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Help Please...I'm so confused!!!

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2008 at 7:33 AM
  • 3 Replies

Hi...I'm new to this sort of thing so I'm just going to vent!!! I was so desperate for answers and advice that I came across cafe moms hoping for some peace of mind!!! I have a 20 year old daughter whom I love very much!!! We have had a pretty good relationship through the years. She's bright, talented and has mad mistakes like every child...BUT lately she has her head up her butt!!! She has a chance at a scholarship to a college and all she had to do was complete her required classes over the past two years. She has been all over the map with her grades and we have had to pay for her to take classes a second time and now even a third!!! This last semester she failed all of her classes but one and even just recently her summer class as well...she just quit going to school and lied about it to us. We thought she was going everyday and we asked her how everything was and she assured us everything is great!!! To make the situation worse she is involved with a boy who has a serious drinking problem!!! Part of the reason she failed her classes!!! When we asked her why she did this again...she said she was afraid to fail and really wasn't sure. Well she thought she had lost her scholarship...but by the grace of God she was given another chance to succeed...all she has to do is retake 5 classes starting Monday at a 6 week accelerated level. I have no doubt she can do it if she stays focused...That's where the boy comes in!!! He upsets her allot because when he's drunk he's not there for her and is verbally mean to her. We have had many long talks about this and she has decided to go to a counselor. She wants us to accept this relationship and be happy for her?!?! She's out of her mind!!! What parents wants there child in an abusive and codependent relationship?!?! So here's the dilemma we have to pay for all the classes and books again which is very expensive and we have had to do this 3 time in the last two years with the promise...Mom and Dad this is the last I promise!!! We feel if we are going to bail her out again that she needs to not have contact with this boy until she passes her classes...we would be happy if she would just be never see him again!!! She doesn't agree with this at all and says she should be able to see and talk to who ever she wants because she's 20!!! If I freaking hear that one more time I'm going to explode!!! So basically Mom and Dad pay for all this so i can get my scholarship and you have no say so in what I do! We have always been supportive of every relationship she has had except this one...Our intuition as parents about this boy makes our hearts drop and skin crawl!!! If any one has any advice or clarity on this matter I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this!!!
Thanks so much,
Mamahenn

by on Jul. 12, 2008 at 7:33 AM
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Replies (1-3):
DOVE5397
by on Aug. 14, 2008 at 5:48 AM

THE MORE YOU PUSH FOR HER NOT TO SEE THE BOY, THE MORE SHE WILL PUSH TO SEE HIM. AND THE MORE SHE WILL START PUSHING YOU OUT OF HER LIFE.. I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T WANT THAT.. HAVE HER TO CHORES OR SOMETHING TO EARN THE MONEY THAT YOU ARE FRONTING HER.

I AM NOT YELLING MY FRIENDS, I AM ONE THAT PREFERS TO USE CAPS.
DOVE

MOMS OF GROWN CHILDREN

You can always find this group with the following URL:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/MOMSOFGROWNCHILDREN

justjoyce777
by on Aug. 26, 2008 at 2:14 PM

My heart is with you.  I agree with Dove...the more you push her to stay away from the guy, the more that she will turn to him and possibly reject you. Living with Adult children can be pretty tricky. Our role has changed in their lives. I have found myself doing LOTS of intercessory praying for my two. I love them dearly. My son had many $$ in scholarships but it was at a certain college. He went and started the program, something he always wanted to do, then decided it really wasn't for him. So he quit. It's hard to see him do that, but he has to live with his choice. He is 19 and still maturing and learning about life. Some of the things I see him doing breaks my heart...and other things make me so proud. I have to remind myself that when I was young I made mistakes, too. Sometimes I just had to learn the hard way....and I think I remembered better from that. My daughter has taken some hard knocks from some of the choices she has made. When she was making the choices....my heart was breaking. I know some of it wasn't easy for her and yes, I was disappointed in some of the decisions she made, yet, I see her beginning to mature and learn from them and she is doing her best. I am so proud of the positive things she is doing. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that they are their own person after 18 and they will both disappoint us and make us proud. The important thing is that we are always there for them with the love and support they have always known. They really don't want our advice unless they ask us for it (even though it's soooo hard not to just offer it up for free anyway! ^,^)

Megansmom902
by on Sep. 25, 2008 at 9:52 PM

Dear, mamahenn        I feel for you , I have a 19 yr old daughter that lives in Va and I live in Fla. She is a great daughter, she is attending community college and doing well! The issue I have with her about 3 yrs ago, she told me she has a girlfriend that is also her lover, you could not ask for a greater daughter, I don't understand this because she has always been interested in boys up till then. As Kat.Kat said there is nothing you can do to change her, she has to want to change. I have accepted this relationship and that is all I can do, there is nothing I can do to change her mind! It is really though knowing the right thing to do, but all I can say is just be there for her, to a certain extent,let her know you love her no matter what, but she really needs to take a good look at this so called boyfriend! Tell her, she may not listen, that as long as you stay with a abusive man, her life will always be hell! I have been through this most of my life and still living with one that is verbally abusive. I think women have low self-esteem, is why they  except men that abuse them and think they can do no better! I don't think by no means she loves him, they also make you beleive they can do no better! Maybe you could find a book or tell her to please go online and research this. She probally need counseling, maybe if you are in the position to get some for her and if she will go would be so helpful! I am not trying to act like I am some kind of counselor, I do watch doctor Phil alot and I learn alot from him! If you would like to e-mail me personally, stumpy_lee2000@yahoo.com Best of luck! BY the way I had a son that put me through many situations, sad to say he died 2yrs ago at age 26.    

     Sandra Massey

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