Assaulting a Mammogram technician/Squeeze your boobs and laugh!
My mom sent this to me in an e-mail:
While conducting some business at the Court House , I overheard a lady,
who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician , say, "Your
Honor, I'm guilty but ... there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those
I did, too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was
met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to
do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this
gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science. Belinda then
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad
so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining
circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a
holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between
those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."
Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so
you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba
and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part
of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or
possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible,
"Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power
came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!'