I have had the weirdest weekend. I am a 47 year old stay at home mother to 13 and 15 year old sons. I quit working when I had my first born. I know my husband has always been on the fence with my quitting but we were able to make it so I quit. I have always been shocked at how mothers treat each other and judge each other, and this seem to be a hot issue. Well Saturday we were at a Parent social for my sons competitive swimming group. The house we were at was beautiful and way out of our price range (they swim with a group of kids that are from "wealthier" families) One of the mothers there, started in on me right from the beginning. I brought a homemade artichoke dip and she pointed out I was the only one who cooked for the event. Then she ask if I was a Stay at home mom, then pointed to everyone I was the only one in the room. Later it was commented that I might have let myself go because "I don't need to look good everyday". (I need work, but so did she. In fact me and her look similar.) I kept trying to avoid her but she kept seeking me out. Finally she flat out ask me "didn't I think my boys were old enough for me to go back to work"? Well, my husband even remarked that it was a bit awkward, he said she is usually bad about awkward comments. My husband is on the board for the group so they see him more than me. I am usually home being driver to the kids.
This morning we were talking about Americans living too much for the kids (the article about the French kids) and he looks at me and says well we do everything for our kids because you quit work. Our life would have been different if you kept working. I was shocked. Is it because he feels like he wants a bigger house? We do not need the money, of course if we had it we would spend it.
Have I stayed home too long?
Don't know sissy. I would think that decision would be entirely yours and hubby's. There is nothing wrong with being a Stay At Home mom, studies have been done showing improvement in children's social skills, security, etc. I think maybe that woman just wanted to hear herself talk? Look at it this way, she probably has a maid and somebody to do her yardwork. Does that make her of less value?
Quoting bjfreeman1:Don't know sissy. I would think that decision would be entirely yours and hubby's. There is nothing wrong with being a Stay At Home mom, studies have been done showing improvement in children's social skills, security, etc. I think maybe that woman just wanted to hear herself talk? Look at it this way, she probably has a maid and somebody to do her yardwork. Does that make her of less value?
She has always been the Mom that commented on how great my boys were. She loves my oldest. I have admired her kids also they are very driven and great kids. Our kids get along great and so I thought she would be the Mom I was going to enjoy being able to socialize with on Saturday. Maybe that is why it bothered me so much.
I guess I am just wondering if staying home while the kids are in Middle school and high school is crazy. I think my husband is afraid it will be harder to find a job once past 50. I seem busier than ever with the kids and hubbys stuff.
I don't think so but that's my opinion. If the money wasn't needed to make ends meet then I feel you did the right thing in staying home and being there for your children and your husband. I'm sure he enjoyed having a meal on the table every night (which might not have happened if you were working). Don't bash yourself over this. You and dh agreed to this from the beginning, now that the kids are older (especially if they are driving on their own) and don't need you as much, maybe consider going back to work. That's something you and dh need to discuss.
Personally, I think that staying home for teens/tweens is MUCH more important than staying home for babies and toddlers. The stakes are so much higher, the mistakes so much more long reaching - and you can't use daycare!
Now, with that said, you can't live your life FOR your kids. You need to have other interests, a relationship with your husband separate from your kids, and things you do for YOU. Staying home is also not a reason to let yourself go - you have more time than they do - spend some of it on YOU. Your life is - or soon will be - starting to shift as your kids spend less time with the family and more time with their friends, their extracurricular activities and so on, which is a natural progression.
I've been a sahm since I was pregnant with my 3rd (I have 4) - and my kids are 17, 18, 21, and 30. But during that time I led 3 girl scout troops, did adult leadership with them, training with them, was on the board for the homeowners association, work out almost daily, sew, go to lunch with friends. Since I was a bit older when I had my first, I already had a career when I got pregnant, and worked when my first two were little. Even though my time is basically my own, every single day I shower, fix my hair, put on my makeup and dress nicely.
I also spend time with my husband, away from the kids. Find things you and your husband like to do - and DO them. Have a date once a week, even if it's having coffee when the kids are playing soccer. Arrange their schedules so they are both in activities at the same time. Take advantage of sleepovers lol. If you and your husband don't work on your relationship together - you won't HAVE one when the kids leave home.
As for the bigger house. My husband works with a lot of people who made a lot of money before they had kids. Many of them have showplace houses. Yeah, ok. We "could" have done that, but we chose to spend our money elsewhere (travel, tuition for the kids college, and so on). But - we did remodel our house, which shut my husband up about moving. And it was/is nicely decorated, with both of us doing the decorating/work (one of the things we do together).
Are finances a problem - or does he just get jealous when he sees a big, showy house? What is it about the house he really liked? How did HE feel when that woman started in on you? I personally have considered gettig a job, but my problem is, I don't want to give up my freedom to travel to see my kids (two are out of the area now, and the last will be going off to college in a year). So I've now considered using my skills (training, specifically on software) to do volunteer work. Something to "care" about doing, that I can do well, and get "praise" for. Also with my husbands long, erratic hours, I want to be able to spend the time WITH him, doing things we enjoy, when he's not working. So right now, I take care of everything having to do with the kids and house, the cars, the dog, and everything else - so when he IS home, we can run off and do thng we WANT to do.
Wow.............. just wow!!!!!!!!!! No you have not! I wish I could be a SAHM!! That is what l have always wanted to be :-) Dont pay attention to anything that woman said to you........... Shge was RUDE and out of line! ((HUGS))
Ugh sounds like a dreadfully awkward situation. Sorry it had you feeling crumby after. As women I think we are programed to think we should be striving for perfection with our kids, careers, looks, homes, relationships, the who deal. If you are not then you are just not working hard enough, is the message we get way too much of. Shoot, who knows what was on her mind when she make that comment about not working & you can let your looks slide. Wow, that something she should have back pedaled on or explained if it came off wrong. Really rude. Totally your decision weather or not to go to work or not. Whatever is the best for you and your family is my opinion on that.
More thoughts on this. I was thinking about this woman who made those dumb remarks. If I had people over & someone went home feeling crappy about stuff I'd said I'd want to attempt to make it right with an apology. My bet is she has no clue, so you probably won't be getting an apology. Second she's a lousy hostess, this isn't any way to treat guests. Hopefully you can limit your dealings w/ this broad & still have the kids enjoy each other. By the way I like artichoke dip.
Adorable Boy-Girl Moment, or Too Close for Comfort?
Newbie/Just introducing myself
- Sunflower7556
on Feb. 13, 2012 at 8:20 AM