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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...
My mother has been clinically depressed for over 20 years. She has been on disability. She took early retirement which has now been used up. She only hangs out with others who have mental issues. Other than me and my family she probably doesn't know anyone that isn't on disability. Her mind is mostly gone due to the drugs and shock therapy.
 
So the other day she tells me that I should have my kids on disability for ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder. She claims to know people who have small children on disability. Does this really happen? What happened to taking care of yourself and your kids?!? I also found her statement to be both an attack and a put down.

What do you think about this?
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Replies (11-20):
Ellen_mom
by Sister on Apr. 5, 2012 at 3:02 PM

I never considered it for my son when his diagnosis was ADHD, but when he hit puberty and we ended up hospitalizing him and having them tell me he had been misdiagnosed and he has aspergers and pchizo-effective disorder and will probablybe hospitalized again whenever they change his meds or has a big stressful event we considered it.  Instead, we just got a waiver for his mental health benefits through the state which was approved because my health insurance doeasn't include mental health, so he has medicaid for all his mental health stuff.  Somehow, getting a monthly check from disability for my 15 year old bothered me, but having his health care taken care of doesn't. 

I think it depends on what kind of care is needed, if we had to pay someone to watch him after school, maybe we would feel differently, you know? 

MomofSCMJJA
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 3:18 PM

Disability for the sake of the money would be a problem, but there are times when I think it would be appropriate.  If the child is severely ADHD-to the point where medications are not solving the behavior problem-then there are probably going to be extraordinary expenses.  Finding daycare or before/after school care that is willing to work with him would be both difficult and expensive.  The co-pays and co-insurance costs of counseling or therapy can really add up, even worse if you are paying out of pocket.  Ditto for medication expenses (dr visits for meds checks and co-pays).  In some cases the lack of availability of adequate daycare can make it very difficult for both parents to work, causing the family to struggle financially trying to live on one income.  In some cases homeschooling is the best option for the child, whch has its own set of expenses.

VTHaven
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 3:42 PM

 Good point...sealed lip

Quoting Mariagma3:

 

Quoting VTHaven:

 Sorry...but consider the source. You are stating that your mother has mental health issues and perhaps her clarity in understanding is not quite up to snuff. I have a dd with ADHD...and although it's considered a "disability" because it impacts her learning...she is NOT disabled.  BIG difference.

 Vickey- You say consider the source regarding the Mother. She is part of the proof of heredity!

 

MissTLC
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 3:51 PM

(Deep Breath here!)  I would say it depends on the severity of the disorder.  Being that for the most part it can be controlled thru medication and behavioral modification, I'm not sure it could considered a disability.  I just don't about that stuff.  I know that my ds has adhd, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Situational depression.  He takes his meds, they help.  The rest of the plan his whole life has been to teach him how to take care of his behavior.  I always tell him, "the rest of the world doesn't give a shit if you have adhd or anything else.  they want to know that you are dependable and can do the job without getting into trouble or causing drama."  I've told him that if he uses it as an excuse to not do things, he'll never do anything or go anywhere in life. 

When my mil was still alive she made a comment that I found very offensive about my ds.  I never told her how hurt I was.  At the time, I just said, "come on, kid, it's time for a walk!"  She said, "my kids were never this wild."  I never have been one to give my ds meds after school.  I have some very strong beliefs about this too.  I don't do it, because I believe that his needing meds is for the sole purpose to help him in school to get his work done.  He may need to take them as an adult if he wants to compete effectively in the job force.  But when he comes home from school, I figure he's used up all of his "goodness" for the day.  He has a lot of energy to burn off.  So I let him burn it off!  For him, it's healthy to get outside and play.  Then a hot shower before bed, and he sleeps like a baby!

Before medication, people had to figure out how to manage their children and their lives as adults without meds.  There is something to be said for that.  Imo, it can be too easy to discipline or handle our kids with medication instead of going the distance to be a consistant p-a-r-e-n-t.  Even a lot of teachers would rather parents medicate children with add because it's easier to do that  so they can get thru the lesson plans without distraction.  Believe me, I'm not bashing all teachers, they have a tough enuf job and very little pay to do it.  My hat's off to teachers!  But when it comes to my son, and my son only, if he is misbehaving in class.  I want to know about it so that I can be the tough guy, discipline him, and make sure it doesn't happen again.

It's a touchy subject.  Like I said before, I think it depends on the kid and the severity of the disorder.  But putting down a parent for the way a child is wired, it's not okay.  It's a good thing she only said it to you and not your son!  When my mil said what she did, I didn't say a word to her about it.  But I did limit her contact with ds.  i refused to have anyone think I was allowing him to be wild or that something was wrong with him.   I am his safe person, our home is his safe place.  So I wouldn't set him up for others judgments and lack of tact.

Good luck to you.

Toni.

littlelamb303
by Sister on Apr. 5, 2012 at 4:12 PM
1 mom liked this

ADHD kids require a lot of discipline, and some parents cannot handle it.  I have seen teachers tirelessly watch over these kids all day to keep them in line. I am not a huge fan of meds but sometimes they are necessary.  But back to the government money thing.  I do not believe they should receive money for this sorry.  There are people out there that are truly sick, have worked for years and do not qualify for it.  Children are a parents responsiblity.  My own daughter has emotional and issues with depression.  It is up to me to regulate behavior and meds. Parents must take on FULL responsiblity for what they have brought into this world (as I have too) and not expect a handout. SORRY.  I run to doctor's appointments, therapy, etc and it is done through insurance and our money

MissTLC
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 5:45 PM

You said it a lot better than I did.  thanks!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 it was mentioned to me to do this as well for my oldest son, who at the time was diagnosed with ADHD oppostional defiant disorder, mood disorder, I'm sure I'm forgetting something but you get the point, anyways, I never did as we thought well we don't want him to get a lable early on as it will stick with them.  after the age of about 20 he was officially diagnosed with anti social personality disorder, fancy for psycho/socio path.  I don't talk about this lightly incase someone has seen me share this before, it's horrific, but I have learned alot after the initial diagnosis, and sadly I fought tooth and nail to help him get on disability social security, he got it, and now he's constantly asking one family member or another for money as it's just not enough to live on.  he's never been able to hold down a job, but now he thinks he shouldn't have to have a job, he has SS.  this is a severe catch 22 situation.  I don't know if he'll ever LEARN to deal with what he has and live a normal life, but now he is LABLED for life!!!  think about this very seriously and do as much homework/research as possible.  I hope this helps and it's only my point of view from what we've been through.  I can say, be thankful your mom has friends, as my son doesn't have the first clue how to make/have/keep friends!


Come join me in 40ish and Beyond group!
LFosterfarm
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 6:48 PM

 Toni, Toni, Toni, you know I did it just for you!!! hahahaha lol, actually it was/is a nightmare that I just can't seem to escape!

Quoting MissTLC:

You said it a lot better than I did.  thanks!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 it was mentioned to me to do this as well for my oldest son, who at the time was diagnosed with ADHD oppostional defiant disorder, mood disorder, I'm sure I'm forgetting something but you get the point, anyways, I never did as we thought well we don't want him to get a lable early on as it will stick with them.  after the age of about 20 he was officially diagnosed with anti social personality disorder, fancy for psycho/socio path.  I don't talk about this lightly incase someone has seen me share this before, it's horrific, but I have learned alot after the initial diagnosis, and sadly I fought tooth and nail to help him get on disability social security, he got it, and now he's constantly asking one family member or another for money as it's just not enough to live on.  he's never been able to hold down a job, but now he thinks he shouldn't have to have a job, he has SS.  this is a severe catch 22 situation.  I don't know if he'll ever LEARN to deal with what he has and live a normal life, but now he is LABLED for life!!!  think about this very seriously and do as much homework/research as possible.  I hope this helps and it's only my point of view from what we've been through.  I can say, be thankful your mom has friends, as my son doesn't have the first clue how to make/have/keep friends!

 

 

stuswf
by Gold sister on Apr. 5, 2012 at 6:53 PM
Never heard of ADHD ppl getting ssi......about what your mother said, well she's a mom & in her own way she was looking out for you. I feel she was trying to give advice in a positive way, but just wasn't able to say it tactfully.
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Bleacheddecay
by Gold Sister -lp on Apr. 5, 2012 at 9:38 PM

My mother has depression issues. She thinks everyone is like her.

My kids are on meds and have won scholarships to their colleges one for academic, one for athletic success. To say that I should have had them on disability when clearly we are not starving and they have medical care is insane to me but then, she is insane.

There may be legit cases where parents should get help with kids but to think just because you could file for "help" and get some money you should is just wrong, IMO.

lauriebash
by on Apr. 5, 2012 at 9:46 PM
2 moms liked this

 My husband and both of our teen boys have ADHD. They have all been tested and diagnosed. My husband is not on meds, our 2 boys chose to be, especially to help with focus while in school. My husband did not just develop this, but wasn't diagnosed until after our youngest was. He just learned to cope and make it work, When he did try meds, he hated it. Said he couldn't get anything done because he couldn't think fast enough.

 My husband is an amazing man. He owns and runs 2 small businesses. He needs to stay busy, but hardly needs disability! I never would dream of applying for our sons, either. It isn't a disability, just a different way of learning, thinking, and focusing your energy.

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