I recently read an interview from OMNI Magazine with the late Swiss psychologist Alice Miller (1923--2010).
This lady is amazing. She went against Freudian theory, which promotes a self-centered and destructive view of children, and instead focused on the reality of the abusive events in children's lives. She says adults need to talk about the original pain they experienced in order to heal. Miller is the author of many books on the treatment of children, including For Their Own Good, about the childhood of Adolf Hitler and how he came to destroy millions with heinous crimes against humanity.
Miller states that "good therapy" helps the patient evolve from the "silent child" to the "talking child." She said the therapist is really an advocate for when you experienced your pain for the first time. "Therapy exists to help you find the wordsto tell your mother and father how you felt at that time when they hurt you, or how you felt when you could not talk - even that."
OMN asks, "What do you meanby advocate?: Miller responds: "One who sides with the child. Always. The therapist must not say the parents were disturbed but well-meaning, because he is then siding with the grown-ups. If the child thinks that the parents who behaved so strangely and humiliated him were well-meaning, he cannot feel his pain, and he sympathizes instead with his parents. It is a crime to beat a child because the beating is a damage, and you can never change this reality.
"A battered child feels humiliated, confused, isolated; and he is made to feel guilty because he is told he is bad. We are afraid to say that child abuse is a crime because we want to protect the parent from his guilt. But we really fail to help them when we support their blindness, because in this way we also betray the child in the parent. "
DISCUSS!! What do you think about Miller's views? Have you been able to realize and talk about the pain you experienced in childhood? Does it make a difference in your parenting now?
Check out my recent blog post at http://www.familyfieldguide.com/. The mom who left her one-month-old baby on the roof of her car got caught. Most messed up parents don't.
I will check out her theory... Thanks!
"A battered child feels humiliated, confused, isolated; and he is made to feel guilty because he is told he is bad. We are afraid to say that child abuse is a crime because we want to protect the parent from his guilt. But we really fail to help them when we support their blindness, because in this way we also betray the child in the parent. "
I wish someone wuld have mentioned this to me when I was a child in counseling, but then that was decades ago. No one made me feel good about myself, even in therapy, & to this day, my self-esteem has been shattered (been unable to fix it). Personally, I feel it's too late for me to fix stuff that happened decades ago...just too much water under this bridge.
Great read btw, I hope that therapists will not only read but incorporate Miller's thought into helping both children & adults recover from abuse, & the sooner the better for all concerned.
Quoting IheartTea:
"A battered child feels humiliated, confused, isolated; and he is made to feel guilty because he is told he is bad. We are afraid to say that child abuse is a crime because we want to protect the parent from his guilt. But we really fail to help them when we support their blindness, because in this way we also betray the child in the parent. "
I wish someone wuld have mentioned this to me when I was a child in counseling, but then that was decades ago. No one made me feel good about myself, even in therapy, & to this day, my self-esteem has been shattered (been unable to fix it). Personally, I feel it's too late for me to fix stuff that happened decades ago...just too much water under this bridge.
Great read btw, I hope that therapists will not only read but incorporate Miller's thought into helping both children & adults recover from abuse, & the sooner the better for all concerned.
I am so sorry you feel that it is too late to fix stuff.. I know that can't be true.. I am here for you if you need anyone to talk to..
Come join 40ish and beyond for a Healthier you in 2012 www.cafemom.com/group/7446
I think this is dangerous territory. Only because some children are so intelligent that they can be highly manipulative. I think this kind of blanket therapy may not be appropriate for ALL children. I truly think that therapy should be versatile and based on the needs of the child and parents. Certainly, abused children need specialized therapy. But again, a good therapist will know what type will benefit the child.
I'm not dead yet so there is time to fix my issues. I had a short chat with my mom the other day and it enlightened me to a few things.
You are never to old to learn!!!
Quoting dana63:I am so sorry you feel that it is too late to fix stuff.. I know that can't be true.. I am here for you if you need anyone to talk to..
Thanks Dana. I've been through therapy on & off since I was a kid. It's just that sometimes things get broken & there's no way to repair it. Think of a glass vase....once it's shattered, it's toast, unless you start over. I have tried, but over the passed few years, the therapists I have seen want to use drugs to treat me without really testing me to see what's going on. I suspect I have Aspergers which would explain my odd behaviors, the child abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, etc. IDK how one can fix something as broken as a shattered glass vase like I am.
Yes *some* children can indeed manipulate, but so can parents or other adults! I know, I had 2 of them who were some of the most manipulative people I've ever known. Not only did they work me over emotionally & intellectually-still paying for the brainwashing, but others around them as well. Fooled a lot of people, & I am just finding out how destructive their behavior has been.
Quoting MissTLC:I think this is dangerous territory. Only because some children are so intelligent that they can be highly manipulative. I think this kind of blanket therapy may not be appropriate for ALL children. I truly think that therapy should be versatile and based on the needs of the child and parents. Certainly, abused children need specialized therapy. But again, a good therapist will know what type will benefit the child.
Quoting IheartTea:
Yes *some* children can indeed manipulate, but so can parents or other adults! I know, I had 2 of them who were some of the most manipulative people I've ever known. Not only did they work me over emotionally & intellectually-still paying for the brainwashing, but others around them as well. Fooled a lot of people, & I am just finding out how destructive their behavior has been.
Quoting MissTLC:
I think this is dangerous territory. Only because some children are so intelligent that they can be highly manipulative. I think this kind of blanket therapy may not be appropriate for ALL children. I truly think that therapy should be versatile and based on the needs of the child and parents. Certainly, abused children need specialized therapy. But again, a good therapist will know what type will benefit the child.
i hope you get the resolution you need.
There is no resolution. My parents have never admitted to any wrong doing or apologized, & mom is now dead...dad isn't far behind her. I am left with sucky memories of a time which should have been my best years of fun & love. Instead my memories are of things that a lot of people only experience in nightmares.
Quoting MissTLC:i hope you get the resolution you need.
Happy Birthday Kiemyah
- MentorMom1
on Jun. 6, 2012 at 2:42 PM