I know that we all have in-law issues.
I am looking for ways to tolerate my inlaws. They are far more important to my DH that I seem to be. When we go on holidays, we have to leave a key so that they can get in to our house. I feel raped everytime.
They are allowed to speak to me however they feel and I am to be accepting and tolerant at all times. Not even calling them on their ingorance when they are 10 and 12 or 45 and 50. I have had it and yet I can't say or do anything for fear of upsetting DH, to the point that he won't talk to me or have anything to do with me if I tell him how I really feel. He will even move to his room in the basement for a couple weeks, until I apologize to him and be all sappy nice to the *^$#$%%^^(*$W# inlaws.
Any ideas out there? Seperating doesn't work because of DH reaction. Disappearing doesn't work because of DH reaction.
Help.
Since writing the original post I have realized that most of you assumed that I was talking about his mother. Nope, it's his 2 sisters. His mother and brother and other sister he has NOTHING to do with.
I have also realized that you are all right, either "put and shut up" or "leave".
I have made my decision, I will put up and shut up, where he is concerned, you still might hear about it occasionally. Sorry about that.
I firmly believe that as far as his family goes, it is only a matter of time before they stab him in the back and he has nothing to do with them either. I will just have to put up with things until then.
Of course, because I know myself so well, I know I will try to convince him that they are not that bad, whether I really believe it or not. And, knowing him so well, he will become even more obstinant about not having anything to do with them, and will show outright contempt where they are concerned. But I would rather have it directed at them than at me.
So, forgive me ahead of time when I come on here and vent, knowing that I won't do anything anyway.
Quoting Madammeke:
Find an ally in the other camp, invite his mother over every single day, pamper him and let her see it, after awhile even she must see that he is doing you wrong and will want to correct it. How long will that take.....long.
He knows that you have no choices and want to stay married he has you by the 'balls' and you allow it.
You have two options;
1. take it and make the best of it or
2. GET THE HELL OUT, there is nothing he an offer you that makes up for being misrable.
Quoting mustbeGRACE:
Seems as though you will have to divorce him if you want to live a different kind of life. I would want a different kind of relationship. If you stay with him, it will probably be more of the same. Life is short, do you want this for the rest of your life?
You said you tried marriage counselling and it's you who have to change. It sounds like his family is more important. Is this the only problem the 2 of you have or is this the one that sticks out the most. Do you have children? are they grown adults or youngsters?
Think all and hard, "reflect"
Quoting cjcharlie1959:
Quoting mustbeGRACE:
Seems as though you will have to divorce him if you want to live a different kind of life. I would want a different kind of relationship. If you stay with him, it will probably be more of the same. Life is short, do you want this for the rest of your life?
You said you tried marriage counselling and it's you who have to change. It sounds like his family is more important. Is this the only problem the 2 of you have or is this the one that sticks out the most. Do you have children? are they grown adults or youngsters?
Think all and hard, "reflect"
I have a volatile temper, which I have learned to reign in over the years, with the result of a slow simmer and never saying what I should. Then all of a sudden, at the most inopportune time, I will blow up.
This is my 2nd marriage and I have a 13 yr old who come on access visitation weekends, 14 yr old who lives with us and a 16 and 18 yr old who don't come here anymore at all. It is his 1st marriage and he has an adult son that he has relatively no contact with (other than once every couple years or so).
There are probably other issues, but yes, this is the one that sticks out the most. I know that if this issue were resolved, another would take it's place. This is why I say I must change, I don't want any issues, so I am trying to learn to deal with "my issues" differently.
Does that make sense?
Don't be hard on yourself we ALL sometimes swallow things from family or inlaws without being able to change it. You just had your fill when you posted your original post.
Quoting 1984Grad:
Since writing the original post I have realized that most of you assumed that I was talking about his mother. Nope, it's his 2 sisters. His mother and brother and other sister he has NOTHING to do with.
I have also realized that you are all right, either "put and shut up" or "leave".
I have made my decision, I will put up and shut up, where he is concerned, you still might hear about it occasionally. Sorry about that.
I firmly believe that as far as his family goes, it is only a matter of time before they stab him in the back and he has nothing to do with them either. I will just have to put up with things until then.
Of course, because I know myself so well, I know I will try to convince him that they are not that bad, whether I really believe it or not. And, knowing him so well, he will become even more obstinant about not having anything to do with them, and will show outright contempt where they are concerned. But I would rather have it directed at them than at me.
So, forgive me ahead of time when I come on here and vent, knowing that I won't do anything anyway.
Quoting Madammeke:
Find an ally in the other camp, invite his mother over every single day, pamper him and let her see it, after awhile even she must see that he is doing you wrong and will want to correct it. How long will that take.....long.
He knows that you have no choices and want to stay married he has you by the 'balls' and you allow it.
You have two options;
1. take it and make the best of it or
2. GET THE HELL OUT, there is nothing he an offer you that makes up for being misrable.
You have to decide if this is an acceptable way to live the rest of your life. All his behaviors point to emotional abuse, and he's not going to get anything but worse as time goes on.
If I were you, I would leave. Divorce him and lead a normal, healthy, life.
Happy Birthday Nsanti!
- 1984Grad
on Jul. 3, 2012 at 11:57 AM