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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Is This Even Legal?!

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 5:06 AM
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Our 23 yr old daughter went to her dad's for dinner last night, planning to spend some quality time with him. Instead - big surprise - he yelled at her for taking out a student loan to pay for school. Apparently despite the fact that she changed her address to my house (since this is where she lives), the college didn't update her records and sent her loan paperwork to his house (which she put as her permanent address when she first enrolled as a freshman, since she was initially living in a dorm, and then later various apartments; she needed a "real" physical address. Her dad opened the student loan paperwork and pitched a fit, even though he hasn't been helping her with tuition, didn't offer this time around, and then in the same freakin' breath  told her she needs to go for a master's degree.  So let's get this straight:  she is somehow supposed to magically come up with tuition and living expenses for 2 more years - but she can't borrow it?! And yet he's demanding she go to grad school?! And  he didn't offer her any other solution or financial assistance  to pay for it!  Add to that the fact that he completely controls money she inherited from HIS dad that was supposed to be for her education, but that her father, as executor of his father's estate, initially set up so she couldn't access it unitl she's 26, and last night he informed her he changed the terms and  she can't have it until she's 31! She figures she'll never get that money; but how can he keep it from her?! He's such a controlling a$$! Is his need to control his daughter  more important than having a good relationship with his adult girl?! His need to control is apparently an addiction; I hoped and prayed he was a better person since getting involved with his new GF, but apparently it's all an act. He was SO good at hiding who he was around HIS family and around people at church while we were married, and since I'm no longer available as his favorite target to manipulate and control, his oldest daughter is next in line - and OMG do I feel guilty? You bet I do!

by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 5:06 AM
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LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:01 AM
1 mom liked this

 At this point she is going to have to know when enough is enough, he keeps moving the inheritance age, blah blah blah, yes I get he's her father, but he sounds toxic!!  I mean what can he really hold over her head, he's basically taken the money away, and at this rate, she'll never see it anyway, so why put up with a grown man manipulating and treating you as if you were two years old again?  she doesn't!!!  You need to help her see that, father or not, and some father's in my opinion were not meant to be fathers, I have one of them!

LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:06 AM

 oops, I was on a roll and forgot, let's start with him opening her mail, that is illigal, parent, guardian or not, she is an adult and he legally can not do that!  I am sure someone in here can answer if him moving shit around is legal or not, I actually think it is, just because he is the executor.  but not a 100% on this one. 

wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:17 AM

I'm not either. Last night she pretty much said she didn't care about the money anymore, let him keep it, control it, w/e, she was done. I just think it's rotten that he'd rather get his control fix than have a relationship with his daughter - and he's essentially lost her with his latest antics. His controlling ways and emotional abuse destroyed our marriage; why can't he see that he needs to change in order to keep that from destroying his relationship with his daughter; why, instead, is he using her as a replacement punching bag since he lost me?! I feel guilty and responsible. I truly thought maybe his new relationship had tempered him some, but guess I was wrong. Still, can he really legally keep his daughter from the money her grandfather(s) left her? And what's the point? Should it sit in a bank or investment account in an undisclosed location for some financial institution to use as unclaimed property in the future?! Please forgive this next statement; it's a result of unresolved anger and resentment, but he's such a jerk, and sorry to use the "H" word, but I hate him and how he treated me and how he's continuing to treat our oldest DD and manipulate the other kids. He has a great relationship with our son because he's convinced him he deserved all the verbal abuse he was subjected to in HS, and he's been promised HIS inheritance to use as a downpayment on a house (another control issue - the grandfather NEVER stipulated that was how the money was to be used! It's a way for his dad to keep him close and keep tabs on him!) As for our youngest, I WANT her to have a great relationship with her dad, but I also fear for her, knowing how he operates...I want her to be happy, not controlled...

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 oops, I was on a roll and forgot, let's start with him opening her mail, that is illigal, parent, guardian or not, she is an adult and he legally can not do that!  I am sure someone in here can answer if him moving shit around is legal or not, I actually think it is, just because he is the executor.  but not a 100% on this one. 


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:23 AM

He IS toxic - SO not how a dad should behave! I've tried to stay out of it, but OMG, why can't he treat her like an adult? Either accept that she needed a student loan (and know she's a responsible ADULT and will pay it off as soon as she graduates and gets a job), or man up and give (NOT LOAN!) her the money and then shut up?! She didn't ask because she knew he wouldn't help and he'd still lecture and make her feel guilty. She did her homework and came up with the solution ON HER OWN. I think that's what galls him the most. He craves control, and this time she didn't consult him. Boo Hoo. He's going to lose her completely, though if he doesn't back off and allow their relationship to mature into adult child - adult parent. He wouldn't even let ME be an adult in the marriage though. I'm afraid for her. She deserves a relationship with her dad - but she also deserves to be respected. I don't know if he can do that though, and it makes me sad.

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 At this point she is going to have to know when enough is enough, he keeps moving the inheritance age, blah blah blah, yes I get he's her father, but he sounds toxic!!  I mean what can he really hold over her head, he's basically taken the money away, and at this rate, she'll never see it anyway, so why put up with a grown man manipulating and treating you as if you were two years old again?  she doesn't!!!  You need to help her see that, father or not, and some father's in my opinion were not meant to be fathers, I have one of them!


LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:24 AM
1 mom liked this

 well the boy controls his own life, and you can't tell me he doesn't see the control and manipulation!  Your daughter is seeing it but doesn't have the ...............backbone? to walk away, idk, but they each will have to put down their own foot and stand up for themselves, and your youngest has to deal with his shit till she's old enough to see better as well.  and sadly untill she's 18 you have to deal with him too.  I think it has so inindated him that every aspect of his life is about the control and manipulation and hard to say really if he even sees it himself!

LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:28 AM

 I'm just going to say it!  she deserves to be in control of her own life, not some jerk who claims to be her father controlling her every move.  she doesn't have to be a part of his life nor him hers.  The fact that he is her father is just that it's a fact, we call them sperm donors!  You know and I know a real FATHER wouldn't not do that to his wife, ex or not, and children!  I really so no reason why she deserves to have a relationship with him??

Quoting wishbearmom:

He IS toxic - SO not how a dad should behave! I've tried to stay out of it, but OMG, why can't he treat her like an adult? Either accept that she needed a student loan (and know she's a responsible ADULT and will pay it off as soon as she graduates and gets a job), or man up and give (NOT LOAN!) her the money and then shut up?! She didn't ask because she knew he wouldn't help and he'd still lecture and make her feel guilty. She did her homework and came up with the solution ON HER OWN. I think that's what galls him the most. He craves control, and this time she didn't consult him. Boo Hoo. He's going to lose her completely, though if he doesn't back off and allow their relationship to mature into adult child - adult parent. He wouldn't even let ME be an adult in the marriage though. I'm afraid for her. She deserves a relationship with her dad - but she also deserves to be respected. I don't know if he can do that though, and it makes me sad.

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 At this point she is going to have to know when enough is enough, he keeps moving the inheritance age, blah blah blah, yes I get he's her father, but he sounds toxic!!  I mean what can he really hold over her head, he's basically taken the money away, and at this rate, she'll never see it anyway, so why put up with a grown man manipulating and treating you as if you were two years old again?  she doesn't!!!  You need to help her see that, father or not, and some father's in my opinion were not meant to be fathers, I have one of them!


 

wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:35 AM

You've made a good point Lyz. I don't know if their dad can even take enough of a step back to see that he's assimilated traits of his own dad or if he can see just how controlling and manipulative he is. ON THE OTHER HAND, why wouldn't he have been at least a little reflective when his wife of 25 years left him because of his controlling and emotionally abusive behavior (which she TRIED to discuss with him, but it fell on deaf ears)?! And OMG - why is he trying to set up his oldest daughter to fail at graduating from college when she's one quarter away but needing to finance that one quarter. Where is there shame in taking out a student loan (especially when her jerk of a father will neither step up and pay for it outright nor release inheritance from grandparents who intended the money FOR their education?!)  Her only other option was to cash in her 401K and take the penalty - and OMG that would have landed her CPA father in the ICU coronary unit! Money doesn't fall out of the sky. In fact, in the 25 years we were married, he pretended we were destitute (he hid all financial information from me by banking online,  leaving bank statements unopened and locking them in his desk drawer, withholding the checkbook and our bank balance from me, giving me a very small allowance for gas and groceries as though I was in grade school..) I wasn't his wife or an equal partner. I was his control fix, and now that he can't control me, he's using our oldest daughter as a substitute, and it's oh so very WRONG!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 well the boy controls his own life, and you can't tell me he doesn't see the control and manipulation!  Your daughter is seeing it but doesn't have the ...............backbone? to walk away, idk, but they each will have to put down their own foot and stand up for themselves, and your youngest has to deal with his shit till she's old enough to see better as well.  and sadly untill she's 18 you have to deal with him too.  I think it has so inindated him that every aspect of his life is about the control and manipulation and hard to say really if he even sees it himself!


LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:41 AM

 then help her see the light!!!  don't bash him or say mean brutal (true) things about him but she is old enough to hear what needs to be said before you loose her to the dark side! lol

Quoting wishbearmom:

You've made a good point Lyz. I don't know if their dad can even take enough of a step back to see that he's assimilated traits of his own dad or if he can see just how controlling and manipulative he is. ON THE OTHER HAND, why wouldn't he have been at least a little reflective when his wife of 25 years left him because of his controlling and emotionally abusive behavior (which she TRIED to discuss with him, but it fell on deaf ears)?! And OMG - why is he trying to set up his oldest daughter to fail at graduating from college when she's one quarter away but needing to finance that one quarter. Where is there shame in taking out a student loan (especially when her jerk of a father will neither step up and pay for it outright nor release inheritance from grandparents who intended the money FOR their education?!)  Her only other option was to cash in her 401K and take the penalty - and OMG that would have landed her CPA father in the ICU coronary unit! Money doesn't fall out of the sky. In fact, in the 25 years we were married, he pretended we were destitute (he hid all financial information from me by banking online,  leaving bank statements unopened and locking them in his desk drawer, withholding the checkbook and our bank balance from me, giving me a very small allowance for gas and groceries as though I was in grade school..) I wasn't his wife or an equal partner. I was his control fix, and now that he can't control me, he's using our oldest daughter as a substitute, and it's oh so very WRONG!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 well the boy controls his own life, and you can't tell me he doesn't see the control and manipulation!  Your daughter is seeing it but doesn't have the ...............backbone? to walk away, idk, but they each will have to put down their own foot and stand up for themselves, and your youngest has to deal with his shit till she's old enough to see better as well.  and sadly untill she's 18 you have to deal with him too.  I think it has so inindated him that every aspect of his life is about the control and manipulation and hard to say really if he even sees it himself!


 

wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:43 AM

But by leaving him, I left him without a target, so he is now using our oldest daughter. I am feeling tremendous guilt and responsibility : (  Oh, and as I mentioned, I HATE this - all of it! It wasn't fair to me, it SO isn't fair to her. She needs her dad - but she doesn't need his manipulative BS!!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 I'm just going to say it!  she deserves to be in control of her own life, not some jerk who claims to be her father controlling her every move.  she doesn't have to be a part of his life nor him hers.  The fact that he is her father is just that it's a fact, we call them sperm donors!  You know and I know a real FATHER wouldn't not do that to his wife, ex or not, and children!  I really so no reason why she deserves to have a relationship with him??

Quoting wishbearmom:

He IS toxic - SO not how a dad should behave! I've tried to stay out of it, but OMG, why can't he treat her like an adult? Either accept that she needed a student loan (and know she's a responsible ADULT and will pay it off as soon as she graduates and gets a job), or man up and give (NOT LOAN!) her the money and then shut up?! She didn't ask because she knew he wouldn't help and he'd still lecture and make her feel guilty. She did her homework and came up with the solution ON HER OWN. I think that's what galls him the most. He craves control, and this time she didn't consult him. Boo Hoo. He's going to lose her completely, though if he doesn't back off and allow their relationship to mature into adult child - adult parent. He wouldn't even let ME be an adult in the marriage though. I'm afraid for her. She deserves a relationship with her dad - but she also deserves to be respected. I don't know if he can do that though, and it makes me sad.

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 At this point she is going to have to know when enough is enough, he keeps moving the inheritance age, blah blah blah, yes I get he's her father, but he sounds toxic!!  I mean what can he really hold over her head, he's basically taken the money away, and at this rate, she'll never see it anyway, so why put up with a grown man manipulating and treating you as if you were two years old again?  she doesn't!!!  You need to help her see that, father or not, and some father's in my opinion were not meant to be fathers, I have one of them!


 


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 6:51 AM

Honestly Lyz, she's smart. I don't need to say anything. If anything, I need to encourage her to see him for who he truly is and still not cut him off or do anything she'll regret. She needs to be strong and tell him she wants a relationship but not on based on manipulation and control. Then if they're estranged, it will be totally on him - and honestly, I don't think that even that a-hole is stupid enough to completely cut ties with his girl over money and control. She just needs to learn from my mistakes and be strong and smart. I was always cowering in the corner. She CAN and needs to gain the upper hand. She's chosen to live with me as an adult, which sticks in his craw (when once she turned 18 and we were still together, she moved OUT, first into a dorm, using her scholarship, then to an apt with a roommate, and then to a college operated apt complex, and finally to a duplex before moving in with me - BECAUSE of her jerk of a dad's controlling ways!!).  He's trying to punish her for never wanting to live with him once she had a choice - but he's apparently never tried to analyze why that is.

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 then help her see the light!!!  don't bash him or say mean brutal (true) things about him but she is old enough to hear what needs to be said before you loose her to the dark side! lol

Quoting wishbearmom:

You've made a good point Lyz. I don't know if their dad can even take enough of a step back to see that he's assimilated traits of his own dad or if he can see just how controlling and manipulative he is. ON THE OTHER HAND, why wouldn't he have been at least a little reflective when his wife of 25 years left him because of his controlling and emotionally abusive behavior (which she TRIED to discuss with him, but it fell on deaf ears)?! And OMG - why is he trying to set up his oldest daughter to fail at graduating from college when she's one quarter away but needing to finance that one quarter. Where is there shame in taking out a student loan (especially when her jerk of a father will neither step up and pay for it outright nor release inheritance from grandparents who intended the money FOR their education?!)  Her only other option was to cash in her 401K and take the penalty - and OMG that would have landed her CPA father in the ICU coronary unit! Money doesn't fall out of the sky. In fact, in the 25 years we were married, he pretended we were destitute (he hid all financial information from me by banking online,  leaving bank statements unopened and locking them in his desk drawer, withholding the checkbook and our bank balance from me, giving me a very small allowance for gas and groceries as though I was in grade school..) I wasn't his wife or an equal partner. I was his control fix, and now that he can't control me, he's using our oldest daughter as a substitute, and it's oh so very WRONG!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 well the boy controls his own life, and you can't tell me he doesn't see the control and manipulation!  Your daughter is seeing it but doesn't have the ...............backbone? to walk away, idk, but they each will have to put down their own foot and stand up for themselves, and your youngest has to deal with his shit till she's old enough to see better as well.  and sadly untill she's 18 you have to deal with him too.  I think it has so inindated him that every aspect of his life is about the control and manipulation and hard to say really if he even sees it himself!


 


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