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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Our 23 yr old daughter went to her dad's for dinner last night, planning to spend some quality time with him. Instead - big surprise - he yelled at her for taking out a student loan to pay for school. Apparently despite the fact that she changed her address to my house (since this is where she lives), the college didn't update her records and sent her loan paperwork to his house (which she put as her permanent address when she first enrolled as a freshman, since she was initially living in a dorm, and then later various apartments; she needed a "real" physical address. Her dad opened the student loan paperwork and pitched a fit, even though he hasn't been helping her with tuition, didn't offer this time around, and then in the same freakin' breath  told her she needs to go for a master's degree.  So let's get this straight:  she is somehow supposed to magically come up with tuition and living expenses for 2 more years - but she can't borrow it?! And yet he's demanding she go to grad school?! And  he didn't offer her any other solution or financial assistance  to pay for it!  Add to that the fact that he completely controls money she inherited from HIS dad that was supposed to be for her education, but that her father, as executor of his father's estate, initially set up so she couldn't access it unitl she's 26, and last night he informed her he changed the terms and  she can't have it until she's 31! She figures she'll never get that money; but how can he keep it from her?! He's such a controlling a$$! Is his need to control his daughter  more important than having a good relationship with his adult girl?! His need to control is apparently an addiction; I hoped and prayed he was a better person since getting involved with his new GF, but apparently it's all an act. He was SO good at hiding who he was around HIS family and around people at church while we were married, and since I'm no longer available as his favorite target to manipulate and control, his oldest daughter is next in line - and OMG do I feel guilty? You bet I do!

by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 5:06 AM
Replies (21-30):
LFosterfarm
by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 7:45 AM

 don't be sorry for how you feel, that's a lot of ..........well, shit, piled up inside and you need to release it, not sure if you've ever heard of this or would even consider it, but I did some cell memory release work, it did wonders for me!!  hugs to you and you know I'm/we are always here!

Quoting wishbearmom:

I think you're right. He knows to some extent that he's doing it when he's being controlling and  manipulative, but he can see any other way, and refuses to acknowledge that it's not right, because that would necessitate change, and in his mind, what he's doing is working for him, so why on earth would he WANT to change?! Is it okay to still vocalize though that I hate him? Incidences like the one last night with Rachel bring all the 25 years of repressed emotional distress back to the surface. I'm sorry!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 I think with people like your ex, my father, it's just so engrained in them, they simply don't know any other way to be or act!!  just my opinion.  we'll keep her in prayer and you too and hope this all works out!!

Quoting wishbearmom:

Thank you. I want her to be stronger than me, to learn from my mistakes, to truly understand WHY I left. She chose not to live with him (and us, once she had the choice, even before I left). She's smart. I still hope she can have a relationship with her dad without being manipulated by him. Do I know if that's possible? Not really.  She's smart though - way smarter than me - and strong (where I was totally under his thumb from day one). I want to make it all right, but honestly, I think she'll figure it out without my help. But I think she is also right in saying she'll never see that money her grandfather left her. Her dad will hide it from her until his dying day. What a waste of that money, of his emotional energy, and what it will cost him that no dollar amount can make up for!!

Quoting LFosterfarm:

 ok, I'm going to give it to you this way, I think we've had enough conversations now to just lay it on the line for you, I care about you, and your family, it's hard when I see a sister hurting!

I have a very very toxic father, believe it or not, he makes your hubby look like a walk in the park!  we won't even start on my ex!  I would walk away come back walk away come back, but in the long run every time I thought he had "changed", it was truely a falacy!!!!  it was all his manipulation and to this day continues, somehow my little sister got sucked back in and can't seem to get away, so between her stressful work/boss, and our father, when I do talk to her she is stressed out of her mind!  He is even seperated from his now wife, and has her believing that there's still a chance, it's sick and pathetic, I finally released all that crap, and moved on.  haven't spoken to the man in almost a year now, and I"m ok with that.  what I'm trying to tell you, help her see the truth so that in the long run he doesn't kill her inside!!!!  it's hard to live with that day after day.  I know!


 


 

wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 7:49 AM


She's an adult. When I first filed for divorce I asked my attorney to make it part of the divorce that he reveal to the kids the fact that they even had an inheritance from both grandfathers, a fact their dad had kept hidden from them. But...now that they know and they're adults, it's up to them. I still don't see, though, how he can legally change the terms now that his father is dead and all the other heirs except his own kids have had the monies dispersed by him, the executor, to them. How on earth has he managed to change the terms from age 26 (which again was HIS doing, not his father's) to 31?! And how can he throw a hissy about her taking out a student loan for a single quarter of school when A. He never stepped up and offered to help; B. He won't release funds. C. She doesn't have a job, and her only alternative would be to cash in her 401K, which she considered! Colleges aren't free. She has one freaking quarter left to earning her BA. What's his problem?!

Quoting starlight1968:

 call a lawyer!!!


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 7:56 AM

Than-you for the advice. It would be a good idea, and honestly he shouldn't be able to change the terms of the will - terms he convinced his dad to set up, btw, but she'd rather forfeit the money than take her father to court. And she's an adult, so I won't offer unsolicited advice. She knows her rights. She's also a daughter who very much craves a decent relationship with her father that's not based on control. Can I make him release the money? No! Can I make him be a decent father? If I could we'd probably still be together. I had zero control, but I ache for my daughter, because I know how he made me feel, and I wanted better for my kids! If I could have accomplished that in the 25 years I was with him, well...I wouldn't be posting this ... sad! Very sad!!

Quoting valkay:

 Have her get a lawyer.  Even if it costs her a chunk of her money.  At this point she will get nothing .  I do not think he can change the will


BL2010
by Snookims on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:22 AM

Wow...I believe it is illegal for him to open her mail. It's addressed to her! Check with your local post office, though, just to be sure. As for the rest of it, how can he change when she is to receive her inheritance? I would check with a lawyer on that.

rosebud727
by Mac Goddess on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:25 AM

Wow, I really don't get this character. I guess I'm still trying to understand why he's upset about the loan except that it could and possibly come out to whomever she got her student loan through, (is it a Govt. loan?) and then he would be forced to give her the inheritance. It's a wild guess, I'm still blown away by how manipulating he is.

I know she's 23 and an adult, but I also know how young my daughters that are 23 and 19 seem. Some stuff is easy for them as young adults to manage, spiteful, or people with an agenda much more tricky and scary too.


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:27 AM

I can't check with a lawyer if she's an adult; the decision is hers, and I think as of last night she's decided to tell her dad screw you, screw the money...

Quoting BL2010:

Wow...I believe it is illegal for him to open her mail. It's addressed to her! Check with your local post office, though, just to be sure. As for the rest of it, how can he change when she is to receive her inheritance? I would check with a lawyer on that.


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:30 AM

I just think he figured since she doesn't have a job she'd come groveling and she handled it on her own. Seriously, he IS that much of a control freak and a junkie I think that's what pissed him off more than anything : (( It's sad, but I know him. I was married to him for 25 years.

Quoting rosebud727:

Wow, I really don't get this character. I guess I'm still trying to understand why he's upset about the loan except that it could and possibly come out to whomever she got her student loan through, (is it a Govt. loan?) and then he would be forced to give her the inheritance. It's a wild guess, I'm still blown away by how manipulating he is.

I know she's 23 and an adult, but I also know how young my daughters that are 23 and 19 seem. Some stuff is easy for them as young adults to manage, spiteful, or people with an agenda much more tricky and scary too.



BL2010
by Snookims on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:30 AM
1 mom liked this

Smart girl. I hate to say it, but I hope she does.

Quoting wishbearmom:

I can't check with a lawyer if she's an adult; the decision is hers, and I think as of last night she's decided to tell her dad screw you, screw the money...

Quoting BL2010:

Wow...I believe it is illegal for him to open her mail. It's addressed to her! Check with your local post office, though, just to be sure. As for the rest of it, how can he change when she is to receive her inheritance? I would check with a lawyer on that.



rosebud727
by Mac Goddess on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:33 AM

Well, she showed him, huh? Good for her. Btw, how was she after he had his little meltdown?

Quoting wishbearmom:

I just think he figured since she doesn't have a job she'd come groveling and she handled it on her own. Seriously, he IS that much of a control freak and a junkie I think that's what pissed him off more than anything : (( It's sad, but I know him. I was married to him for 25 years.

Quoting rosebud727:

Wow, I really don't get this character. I guess I'm still trying to understand why he's upset about the loan except that it could and possibly come out to whomever she got her student loan through, (is it a Govt. loan?) and then he would be forced to give her the inheritance. It's a wild guess, I'm still blown away by how manipulating he is.

I know she's 23 and an adult, but I also know how young my daughters that are 23 and 19 seem. Some stuff is easy for them as young adults to manage, spiteful, or people with an agenda much more tricky and scary too.




bhow
by Silver sister on Oct. 4, 2012 at 8:58 AM
1 mom liked this

If you can find a good "death and taxes" lawyer to talk to about it I would think there is something that can be done about his changing the terms of a will.  To my understanding what is in the will is final and, if her grandfather wanted her to have it sooner than later then, her father AND whom ever is helping him keep her money from her are breaking the law.  I'm no lawyer but, my husband has been executor twice and we have had to talk with the lawyer quite a bit about crap, we've learned a lot through it. I also had the mess of my dad dieing, dumped in my lap and have learned a lot.

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