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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

single mom with a child who seems to need me all the time

Posted by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 7:52 PM
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HI i have a child who is 7 years old and he seems to need me in everything he does. He struggles in school when things get tough he starts to say i cant do it or just wont do things.  The teacher is a great help and i love her. She has struggled with my son all year. Her qoutes are he is alot to handle in 8 hours your days must be long with him. Im a older mom and i get called grandma at times. Im used to it by now. I work a full time job and im single. So i seem to be with him all the time and not enough hours in the day.  Somedays he calls my name so much i  cant believe it.  He has no children to play with and he acts out in school sometime with tantrums mosty when things get tough.  I took him to a theripst they just started to see us but the theripst is so busy i cant get back in for atleast a month. My son gets mad easliy today he took everything out of his desk at school just because he couldnt find something and it distracts the other children. He gets time out at home and things taken away. There are seveal issues here.  I have spoiled him too soon with games and electronics so now i have limited them. I do all things for him, and sometimes i just dont know how to stop it.  I have to remind him to do something several times sometimes 4 times. So i wanted to know if any of you have these type of issues? What would you do to aid in this situation?  If you advise is to let him do things on his own how do i incorperate this if he is making several comments and begs for help or just wanders away from things.  Thanks 

by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 7:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gonecrazi
by Lucky :) on Dec. 6, 2012 at 8:33 PM
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 Sounds a little like adhd, have you had him tested. If not ask your therapist about it. My 10 y/o has adhd and this could be him when he is off his meds. 

Ellen

divamom467
by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 8:40 PM

I have wondered if he is Ahad or attention defiicit.  i took him this week to a councelor he is just in the beginning stages. My son struggles with decisions at times and getting worked up somedays are long. I love him very much the councler i took him too is over booked his only apointments are at 700 pm so i had to book in advance and this is a monty away he wants to talk to me privatily and then play with my son at the next visits and get records from the school what is your opoion in this situration? The testing  i found  out is about 600 dallors or more does this sound right? 

sunflowers12
by Silver sister on Dec. 6, 2012 at 8:41 PM
Well, you may need to get a bit tougher if your going to have a normal parent child relationship.. what you have discribed its sounds like there are a combo of things going on here... One has he been tested for adhd?? If not I would take him to make sure... That can help you understand a bit better what's going on in that way... Also his sleep/ diet and perhaps some out door activities or some type of physical activity may help with stress for both of you... It also sounds like he knows you a bit if a push over.. we all can be just get a bit tough with the groundings and put your foot down.. he is seven they will push to see how far you will allow them to go so just keep it in mind.. lastly he is still very young and he will need you a lot, but he should no and understand how to act with out you hovering...
tomatoqueen
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 5:31 AM

He knows he has you as a push over. It sounds like he needs a firm structure. I know that can be hard as a single mom...I have been one for 15 years with 2 sons with diagnosed adhd and health issues. In addition, I have a life threatening disorder. Kids pick up quickly that if they act like they can't do something and complain enough, we will give in. What I learned is that I had to break down things into component parts. I had to give my sons one very specific thing to do at a time. You might want to sit down with him, develop a chore chart...would not call it a chore chart, but maybe a family activity chart. You can resort to stars or stickers and for how ever many you decide, give him a reward. Make sure the rewards are small, but something he would like. I used to award an extra story at bedtime, a treat after school, 30 minutes of video game time, etc. Since he gives up when things get tough, make sure that the items on the list are things he can achieve so that he builds confidence. As far as testing, if you have insurance, they might cover the testing. Before I put out $600 for testing, I would talk to the school about academic testing at school. That would also include a visit with a psychologist. If the diagnostician suggests further testing, then, and only then, would I go forward with more expensive testing. I took my older son to a therapist because he was making messes...hard to describe. The jerk told me that I should consider putting him in the local Methodist home so that I could get a break...did not happen. My son is now 23 and happily married and waiting on a scholarship determination for a major university. It sounds like he could also benefit from a big brother's organization where another person, usually college age kid, could take him out for some one on one time. 

tomatoqueen
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 5:35 AM

One more thing...he did not get this way overnight. It is going to take a very concentrated effort on your part at behavior modification for this to change. He knows that if he whines long enough, you will do things for him. You have to modify your behavior as well as his.  Is there a scout group in your area. That is a great activity for young boys who don't have other outlets. They get to get together with other boys, learn discipline and skills and expend some of that energy. 

dana63
by Momma of 40ish on Dec. 7, 2012 at 5:44 AM
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 Hi! I am 49 with a 6 year old and trust me I am the oldest mom in her 1st grade class so I can relate. I know mine gets bored and some days I forget that I am a older mom and she is the only child at home. So she gets bored and when she gets bored she acts out. She is good at school so I dont worry about that..

My suggestion is to have him tested to make sure he dont have ADD/ADHD and if not then maybe set the rules at school and home. Let him know his behavior is not acceotable any more and as you stated you taken things away then allow him to earn it back. I have good behavior stickers and when she is good she gets one. We also have one day during the weekend where she and I do movie day and she gets to pick 3 movies to watch while I do homework. I hope this helps.. Hugs and welcome!!

LFosterfarm
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 8:34 AM
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 I would say before you start making any hard core decisions, do some minor adjustments around the house.  trust me, adhd or not, taking away things they love will get their attention.  he likes his electronics, if you tell him to do something and he doesn't then eventually you do it, he doesn't learn, I get adhd kids have to be told several times, and usually only thing at a time, but if you tell him and remind him several times, because he doens't want to stop playing his video game, take that away from him.  it really is a matter of getting creative.  and you have to remember, bad attention is better than no attention at all, so when you're not paying attention to him, he's going to get it one way or the other.  sorry momma, we are always here.

 

coolmommy2x
by Silver sister on Dec. 7, 2012 at 8:49 AM
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I agree with all of thhe above. Before paying $600 for tesing, work with the school. Use the student support counselor and psychologist. Come up with an action plan for structure and consequences. Let DS know these are the rules and if he breaks them, he pays the consequences. Thhe school can also help with an evaluation (I believe thhe Connor Scales are most common) and then you can review with your pedi. If the therapist is that booked, I suggest finding another one who has more time for you.

Stop doing everything for him. I know it's hard...I need to be better with that too...but if you keep doing everything, he will always be dependent on you and not be able to help himself.
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divamom467
by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 9:08 PM

Thanks a lot girls let me tell you of his days. He is struggling with things in school . I pick him up after school is let out. I talk with the teacher. The teacher puts him on a chart for good behavior if he recieves 3 to 4 stars it is a good day and he can have something at home like electronics. The last 2 days have been hard, he is whiining at school and sometimes wont try. The teacher told me she thinks it is hard for him, but she wants the whinning to stop. He is strugglinf with writing. I took him home yesterday and we worked all the night on writing and showing him how to make up a story, it was good and very cute. Today when he went to school he had to be placed outside the classroom to be able to write a story. when he is placed away from the children he does better. The teacher is trying and me too but when the going gets tough he stops. I watched him try to write and it is like he goes blank. So in this im going to do more writting excercises at home and make him feel confident in his writting skills. He was smiles at his story he wrote.  He is good in math but struggles with doing  hard things. He just refuses to do things and it is like you cant make him do it. He will start drawing in class this is his favoerit thing to do when he is stressed, or bored. so for 2 days now we have not watched tv  sticking to the plans of school if he does good he gets treats but bad not earned smily faces is concequences for no tv and no electronics. He does get whinny at times when this happens or he will repeat questions to me over and over again in bordem. When he was in 1st grade things was so bad you couldnt place him with a group of chldren he aways was placed by himself. This year he did some progresss he is placed with other children but the other children see him in moods at times that make for consequencse that other children dont behave like, in this it ends up at times that he is singled out. What do you girls think of this?

Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:39 PM
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Quoting divamom467:

Thanks a lot girls let me tell you of his days. He is struggling with things in school . I pick him up after school is let out. I talk with the teacher. The teacher puts him on a chart for good behavior if he recieves 3 to 4 stars it is a good day and he can have something at home like electronics. The last 2 days have been hard, he is whiining at school and sometimes wont try. The teacher told me she thinks it is hard for him, but she wants the whinning to stop. He is strugglinf with writing. I took him home yesterday and we worked all the night on writing and showing him how to make up a story, it was good and very cute. Today when he went to school he had to be placed outside the classroom to be able to write a story. when he is placed away from the children he does better. The teacher is trying and me too but when the going gets tough he stops. I watched him try to write and it is like he goes blank. So in this im going to do more writting excercises at home and make him feel confident in his writting skills. He was smiles at his story he wrote.  He is good in math but struggles with doing  hard things. He just refuses to do things and it is like you cant make him do it. He will start drawing in class this is his favoerit thing to do when he is stressed, or bored. so for 2 days now we have not watched tv  sticking to the plans of school if he does good he gets treats but bad not earned smily faces is concequences for no tv and no electronics. He does get whinny at times when this happens or he will repeat questions to me over and over again in bordem. When he was in 1st grade things was so bad you couldnt place him with a group of chldren he aways was placed by himself. This year he did some progresss he is placed with other children but the other children see him in moods at times that make for consequencse that other children dont behave like, in this it ends up at times that he is singled out. What do you girls think of this?

 I have a much cheaper idea for you: Go online, go to a website or google, find out and get a symptom checklist. This is NOT to diagnose your own child, but it gives you an idea. Does the checklist have any bearing on what your child does? Also, keep in mind, where is the child's other parent? Not to invade your privacy, but whether you're divorced, single, widowed, W/E; the other parent CAN pose issues in your own child's head and heart. It's not your fault or anyone else's, but I've been the Mom of an absent parent, with ADHD, now 24, bipolar. Keep us posted! Good luck to you!

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