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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Getting frustrated being the only sense is what "I" make...he's so tyrant-like

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I'll call him the boss, but for better cafemom etiquette, his title is husband.  And children's father.  Here's the problem and my dilema.

Today we are having a nightmare already.   It's today, new years day after.  As children go to school after a holiday it's torment.  Here is our torment plus add 1,000 toments.   Our children absolutely hate school, and I feel it's best to homeschool.  Their father isn't so inclined to side with homeschooling.

He says it's not socializing, and I've seen tons of children become better at things by staying home doing their studies, not being caved by over routined chaos from hating schedules and school programs.  Here is my idea.   Home schooling is approved, it's free, it's relaxed and no schedules are necessary except that the children have their homework done and locked into the system (computer) by 12:00 midnight, or it's a fine,   That seems pretty terrific if you ask me!  I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I was young and remember that being home was all I considered fun.  School was a death sentence.  I was scared, fragile, easily hurt, felt tormented getting up, and now I encourage them to do well and with all the backing I give my own children it's as though it was never done.  Like I've just evaporated right in their lives.  Even though I am more than available for homework, studying, meals, rooms are clean and they just hate school but go ...with hearts broke and crying inside.  Their faces and attitudes really show, ....they hate school.

The teachers try to say that they are better learners with structure and then when we see the grades I see otherwise.  (mostly by the male children)   they seem tough to teach . 

What is your view on homeshool and please try to support any side your sincere about because it's helpful to me on either side.

By the way their dad is so unwilling to have them home since he believes it decays the mind and hurts them not nurtures.  I see it the opposite and we differ so it's impossible to support them when he is against my idea, even just one time. Never EVER listens.

Thank you for your sincere insight and if I'm wrong then I'll thank you!  We all learn in surprizing ways.

by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 8:13 AM
Replies (21-30):
firelites
by Anne on Jan. 2, 2013 at 3:45 PM

 welcome to the group

daisybelle1960
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 3:46 PM

 I never felt qualified to home school my children. I was good in a care giving role, but I would have never tackled educating them, other than what a parent normally does, like reading to them and such.

pasteeater
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 12:54 AM
1 mom liked this
It sounds to me you should work out your issues with your husband first. You sound like you hate him. Issues at home affects children every where in their lives. I think home schooling is something that would work best in a home that isn't so full if turmoil. I'm not being mean. Just saying what I think.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
MentorMom1
by Gold sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:12 AM

Wow. You are in a pretty lousy pickle, my dear. Let me say first: I did homeschool my four. Not all the same lengths of time, but I homeschooled for many years. The last homeschool marathon I ran with my two daughters, the youngest of the four, went on for about 11 years! They are all fiercely independent adults now. Three finished college, two have masters degrees. One was an Air Force officer.  

However, if I can stick my neck out, I'd say that homeschooling is not the real issue here. Looking out for your kids' well-being and best interests is your top priority. How many and what ages?

My advice may sound counter-intuitive, but here goes. If you are having marital issues, and I think from your post it's quite evident, they need to be dealt with sincerely. Since your spouse seems to lack empathy for others, including the children ( he seems emotionally abusive, actually, turning the noise up when they need to go to bed, using profanity) your children need to have "buffering" or safe relationships with other caring adults. Homeschooling would not give them enough exposure to the nurturing relationships they truly require for healthy emotional growth. I'm talking about teachers, friends, sports coaches, choir directors, school play directors, scout leaders, youth group and church choir directors, and other adult mentors. It's your job to make your kids feel empowered, not victimized. 

Pease consider that kids need all the supportive people and postitive role models on their team that they can get. For your kids, this means people who see them as unique individuals with something to offer the community. And for children, the school, and perhaps the church, make up largest part of the community. They need caring adults who see their strengths and abilities and can encourage them in a positive way to fulfill their potential.

Your kids may not want to go to school because they feel responsible for your happiness.  Leaving you may make them feel worried and unsettled. They could be quite traumatized by the family situation, if indeed it is so volatile. And many times children and teens are unable to talk about their feelings in such disruptive situations. They repress their emotions big time. If your husband is making life miserable, then your children are burdened. It is now known that "toxic stress" negatively impacts cognitive, emotional and physical health.

The family dysfunction is like an elephant in the living room. Everyone sees it, but no one addresses it in an honest way. Everyone wishes they could control the man causing the problems, but are powerless to do so. He is the one doing the least to make the family a success, but has the most control. And that is hurting all of you. And as long as he isn't getting help, he's what I would call "sick." Sure there are reasons why he is the way he is, but your kids only get one chance to grow up. Their needs come first! They probably could use some counseling, or at least someone to listen to them talk about what's going on in their lives, whether a school counselor or member of the clergy. 

Your kids need to be with other people who treat them with respect and regard for their authentic needs, people who are emotionally safe to be around and are not hurtful. You can make sure your kids have sufficient people like this in their lives. Homeschooling is possible in your situation, but it seems you need to work on you.

It's not a panacea for your problems, either the ones you faced in your youth, or the ones you are facing in your marriage.

Your kids are resilient to a point. But they need encouragement to succeed every day in the world. Boost their confidence to make up - at least a little - for the "downer" dad they have. Don't make excuses why they shouldn't go to school, or wake up, or do anything. Think of ways to make their lives special and fun.

Find a support group for you, mama. Find a group for emotionally abused women, or a counselor from church, or whatever you can. You need to stay strong for your kids.

Your kiddos are watching you tolerate abuse. They are tolerating abuse, and as such are "child witnesses." They are learning that you and they have no control over their lives, and it makes them angry inside.  They are far more likely to have serious issues because of it. So I would not shut them off from functional outside relationships and empowering experiences on a daily basis (not that homeschoolers don't have social and other activities, but the large part of it is usually done at home).

They need you to be there for them in the role of supporter and encourager. That is what I would concentrate on if I were you. All the homeschool work in the world will not make up for a happy smile on your face and a peaceful environment when they walk in the door.

God bless!

MentorMom1
by Gold sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:30 AM
1 mom liked this

P.S. Why do you need to tell your husband that you are "talking" to people on CafeMom? I would protect myself, and not say anything at all. You have a right to have relationships with other women.  It's okay to have supportive friends.

cherylam
by Bronze sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 1:52 PM

I can see both sides... academically they may do better, but what happens when they have finished home study and are ready for college?  They will have to leave home for study, or if they choose not to attend college, jobs.  As far as socialization, most home schoolers I know manage to get the kids together as much as possible.  My qy question is, is there a possibility you are projecting your own remembered anxieties onto your children?  Are they picking up on these remembered fears and reflecting them back?  School itself was horrible for me, so I understand, and my mother refused homeschooling, period.  I quit in the 10th grade, did all the coursework and took the equalivancy exam at 18, and scored high enough to graduate with my high school class, in the top 10, while getting married and having a baby.  I would say, talk to the kids, find out what their exact fears are, and address them, before deciding the only way is homeschooling.

okijet
by Sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:39 PM


Quoting MentorMom1:

P.S. Why do you need to tell your husband that you are "talking" to people on CafeMom? I would protect myself, and not say anything at all. You have a right to have relationships with other women.  It's okay to have supportive friends.

That's the point, he doesn't talk,  he dictates.  Men.  They wouldn't know ;''right'', or ''rights'', because it's all about them and their rights, and they're right... not us, according to them.  

If it's an issue about anything he is in charge no. matter. what.   He wouldn't want to take me to dinner tonight or other nights, simple fact of him (his words,)  "I'm in charge''.  ....(he says about him

SO.... they will go to school and see the same old incorrigible things that we saw, like sitting for hrs on back breaking floors with nothing other than thin carpeting, no support, and in indian style.  I sent a note to school once, and now dada sends his note to them today, ...something will get done this time.  (of course, why would it get done last time.  nobody reading this would ''SEE"  those hidden reasons. 

The REASONS are for the children's sakes.   NOT who said it.   THE Fact that sitting on a floor with thin carpet for hrs is back breaking and abusive to children's spines is the one reason that we are against having schools taking over our lives.   WE aren't always right at everything, but this is large scale---- dictating children like this.

Just 2 months ago they wanted to have her run in gym and get out of breath and when she cannot breathe her heart rate cannot keep up, and she is well built, without extra added weight.   So for her to have to have gone to school to ....NEED a note.   to ....NEED to go to a doctor.  ....NEED to have a foreign plastic medical appliance INTRODUCED in front of her face,.... to have trauma like that and know WHEN SHE'S violated on exacerbates fixable preventable forseeable and easily stopped ..........DUMB STUFF

SO..... so much dumb stuff , isn't it time to just have schools listen to children for once.  NOT NOTES!!


 

okijet
by Sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 4:51 PM


Quoting okijet:

 

Quoting MentorMom1:

P.S. Why do you need to tell your husband that you are "talking" to people on CafeMom? I would protect myself, and not say anything at all. You have a right to have relationships with other women.  It's okay to have supportive friends.

That's the point, he doesn't talk,  he dictates.  Men.  They wouldn't know ;''right'', or ''rights'', because it's all about them and their rights, and they're right... not us, according to them.  

If it's an issue about anything he is in charge no. matter. what.   He wouldn't want to take me to dinner tonight or other nights, simple fact of him (his words,)  "I'm in charge''.  ....(he says about him

SO.... they will go to school and see the same old incorrigible things that we saw, like sitting for hrs on back breaking floors with nothing other than thin carpeting, no support, and in indian style.  I sent a note to school once, and now dada sends his note to them today, ...something will get done this time.  (of course, why would it get done last time.  nobody reading this would ''SEE"  those hidden reasons. 

The REASONS are for the children's sakes.   NOT who said it.   THE Fact that sitting on a floor with thin carpet for hrs is back breaking and abusive to children's spines is the one reason that we are against having schools taking over our lives.   WE aren't always right at everything, but this is large scale---- dictating children like this.

Just 2 months ago they wanted to have her run in gym and get out of breath and when she cannot breathe her heart rate cannot keep up, and she is well built, without extra added weight.   So for her to have to have gone to school to ....NEED a note.   to ....NEED to go to a doctor.  ....NEED to have a foreign plastic medical appliance INTRODUCED in front of her face,.... to have trauma like that and know WHEN SHE'S violated on exacerbates fixable preventable forseeable and easily stopped ..........DUMB STUFF

SO..... so much dumb stuff , isn't it time to just have schools listen to children for once.  NOT NOTES!!


 

and this is why I believe home is best!!      SCHOOLS ARE TOO BIG>   Even the once past practices of 1 room school bldgs (houses) were too chaotic,  IT WASN"T  HOME.
ss

OIO   It reminds me of the SS in the German control.   NO I'm not saying it's the same, it just does refer my '''accidental inside wiring'', to recall such things. 

NOW do I have anyone's attention.?      Of "course" I'm being sarcastic.     Nobody is wired literally, because we're created.   See this is what won't get taught in school.    ALL. BECAUSE.  THEY. WANT. CONTROL.    OR ......they don't agree to something safe and physically building each child's self esteem, and the core of their truth from even where they are created.   

BUT NOT,  .........''we'll put them on the floor for 3 hrs. ''.    SO un-natural, and so uncalled for.

1 more thing. . . when you take a person and mold them into adults against the child's nature it's forcing them to want to rebel.   They are not innately born with this.  It's forced.   Jesus said let the children come unto me, and do not stop them.    We do nothing like that in this country.  We force them on beliefs that aren't family, they aren't close to truth, they ruin their intelligent knowledge of what is true, and it made me see that after prayer was removed, that the SYSTEM was as lame as the SS men doing what they were forced TO DO.... so thank GOD for the ones that changes came from.    Shindler. and others' bravery that got only movies made from .   STILL we have things happening in school with .........notes necessary from parents to guard their own children from .   

If my daughter didn't go there and see this it wouldn't have been to me ,.. he mom,....saying...mom my back hurts.    That is crappy treatment of children.

okijet
by Sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 5:00 PM


Quoting MentorMom1:

Wow. You are in a pretty lousy pickle, my dear. Let me say first: I did homeschool my four. Not all the same lengths of time, but I homeschooled for many years. The last homeschool marathon I ran with my two daughters, the youngest of the four, went on for about 11 years! They are all fiercely independent adults now. Three finished college, two have masters degrees. One was an Air Force officer.  

However, if I can stick my neck out, I'd say that homeschooling is not the real issue here. Looking out for your kids' well-being and best interests is your top priority. How many and what ages?

My advice may sound counter-intuitive, but here goes. If you are having marital issues, and I think from your post it's quite evident, they need to be dealt with sincerely. Since your spouse seems to lack empathy for others, including the children ( he seems emotionally abusive, actually, turning the noise up when they need to go to bed, using profanity) your children need to have "buffering" or safe relationships with other caring adults. Homeschooling would not give them enough exposure to the nurturing relationships they truly require for healthy emotional growth. I'm talking about teachers, friends, sports coaches, choir directors, school play directors, scout leaders, youth group and church choir directors, and other adult mentors. It's your job to make your kids feel empowered, not victimized. 

Pease consider that kids need all the supportive people and postitive role models on their team that they can get. For your kids, this means people who see them as unique individuals with something to offer the community. And for children, the school, and perhaps the church, make up largest part of the community. They need caring adults who see their strengths and abilities and can encourage them in a positive way to fulfill their potential.

Your kids may not want to go to school because they feel responsible for your happiness.  Leaving you may make them feel worried and unsettled. They could be quite traumatized by the family situation, if indeed it is so volatile. And many times children and teens are unable to talk about their feelings in such disruptive situations. They repress their emotions big time. If your husband is making life miserable, then your children are burdened. It is now known that "toxic stress" negatively impacts cognitive, emotional and physical health.

The family dysfunction is like an elephant in the living room. Everyone sees it, but no one addresses it in an honest way. Everyone wishes they could control the man causing the problems, but are powerless to do so. He is the one doing the least to make the family a success, but has the most control. And that is hurting all of you. And as long as he isn't getting help, he's what I would call "sick." Sure there are reasons why he is the way he is, but your kids only get one chance to grow up. Their needs come first! They probably could use some counseling, or at least someone to listen to them talk about what's going on in their lives, whether a school counselor or member of the clergy. 

Your kids need to be with other people who treat them with respect and regard for their authentic needs, people who are emotionally safe to be around and are not hurtful. You can make sure your kids have sufficient people like this in their lives. Homeschooling is possible in your situation, but it seems you need to work on you.

It's not a panacea for your problems, either the ones you faced in your youth, or the ones you are facing in your marriage.

Your kids are resilient to a point. But they need encouragement to succeed every day in the world. Boost their confidence to make up - at least a little - for the "downer" dad they have. Don't make excuses why they shouldn't go to school, or wake up, or do anything. Think of ways to make their lives special and fun.

Find a support group for you, mama. Find a group for emotionally abused women, or a counselor from church, or whatever you can. You need to stay strong for your kids.

Your kiddos are watching you tolerate abuse. They are tolerating abuse, and as such are "child witnesses." They are learning that you and they have no control over their lives, and it makes them angry inside.  They are far more likely to have serious issues because of it. So I would not shut them off from functional outside relationships and empowering experiences on a daily basis (not that homeschoolers don't have social and other activities, but the large part of it is usually done at home).

They need you to be there for them in the role of supporter and encourager. That is what I would concentrate on if I were you. All the homeschool work in the world will not make up for a happy smile on your face and a peaceful environment when they walk in the door.

God bless!

Thanks . we played with her hamsters tonight after she got in the home from school, it's nice. Thanks so much for all those truths and encouraging things you say.   IT's true I also believe it's the smile that we have, and each time I get her off the bus I will say this and that, and smile or just listen, and we bake stuff, or she does things, and tons of things, (but it's pretty tough, i'll say that. )   The world isn't easy...

I stay positive and that's a given.  I only wish that homeschool wasn't a predictorship with him, and such a crutch for the school to take my place.  I took on motherhood literally to keep those choices. 

Volunteering to read in a certain grade or two was available, so I did it.  (Now it's not avail. in this grade, not sure reason why)

I apply general fun, and good building self esteem ideas, and crafts, like making her play dough, which isn't too often, but she and her friends love that.  I'd try more but she love to cut paper and make little books all the time.  SOOOO talented.

Ok. your turn LOL

okijet
by Sister on Jan. 3, 2013 at 5:09 PM

TO MENTOR MOM1:      Also I am aware of this more this year, in that getting involved, the choir, the clubs, the scouts, and that, (we briefly did scouts, but it was costly, and nobody could afford things, other than the immediate bldg group. dates.)   So i didn't push her and she really rebelled me to even mention it was available.  NOW yrs later on and so much more parent aware I connect more relations meaningfully with better ideas than just family dinner out, and bickering being the end result, so I stay out of the picture.. literally.  They go out, I rarely go with him/ children.  It's awful.

Those points you made about the college children of yours, is amiable and super encouraging and copy-able.  For any one.    I tell my children these things, how capable they can be, get work, etc. join groups, etc. and the father is not one to condone or encourage work at all,  He'd rather take in his old friends and work on their problems, and fix them or get negative about that.  wastes of time.

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