when the septic overflows.
Eeeewwww. Twenty-two years I've lived in this house we built with a septic system. Never had the need for it to be pumped ASAP. Not until today.
I can remember standing on an empty muddy lot holding Chris' hand, holding Andrea in my arms. Marty was explaining the whole layout of the house we were going to build. He could envision this whole thing, and I have a feeling four-year old Chris could, too. Marty also mentioned that we would, of course, need a septic system. I asked him what the heck that was. I'd never heard of it - having grown up with "proper sewers".
For 22 years I've managed just fine with my Scott toilet paper which is see-through thin (while always trying to remember to switch it to a thicker ply when I have a dinner party). I schedule my poop truck to come whenever they recommend I schedule the poop truck to come. I'm very obedient, because who in the world would NOT be compliant or want to take a chance of having that volatile thing back up?
Imagine my surprise this morning when I found a sticky note left from our house guest that I might perhaps want to have the poop truck come. Oh.dear. So I called said poop truck, made an appointment for Friday (today is Tuesday). It was about an hour later, when I was at THWIV when I received a call from my cleaning lady, who was cringing on the other end of the line, explaining that I needed the poop truck NOW.
I raced home to meet Mr. Poop and his truck.
Mr. Poop lumbered out of his huge stinky truck in his overalls that couldn't be buttoned up all the way because his large Santa belly was in the way. He wore a baseball cap that covered the top of his head but let his shoulder-length gray straight hair hang down. He had a mole on the tip of one of his nostrils, a large smile, and he bellowed to me: I hear y'all got a problem!
Me: (standing in the doorway in my new Circa Joan & David pink heels) I sure do, the lid isn't off - do you want me to help shovel?
Mr. Poop: Yeah
Me: Really? OK. (I kicked off my heels and put my muck boots on)
Mr. Poop: Nooooo! Hardy har har, I don't want y'all to help me. Betcha didn't expect me to say "yes", did ya?
Me: Nope. Now I'm warnin' ya, I'm gonna follow you the whole time, cuz I want to learn the whole system this time.
Mr. Poop: Whatever you want, ma'am.
I followed him around just like I followed the electrician and the plumber. I just wanted to see the "water works" under there. I wanted to see it gummed up, and I wanted to see it run clear and free! He said the only other woman who was fascinated with all the workings was a heart surgeon. I told him I was a heart surgeon, too.
When he was done, he told me to run into the house and flush a toilet. So I lumbered up the hill to the house, kicked off the muck boots and flushed. I poked my head out the door. He told me to come look. I re-booted, went down the hill, and saw it was still plugged.
Me: What the heck?
Mr. Poop: Need to unplug this pipe, too. So he worked on unplugging that there old pipe. He told me to go flush again. I repeateded my flush maneuvers. I came back outside and down the hill. Looked a bit better, but needed more work.
Mr. Poop: Ok, now go in and turn on all the faucets, flush all the toilets.
Me: (Half-way up the hill) HEY - you don't really need me to flush and faucet the house, do you? You just like watching me bust a gut trying to run up this hill huffing and puffing!!
Mr. Poop: That's NOT true (laughing), I DO need you to flush and faucet, now hurry on up in there.
I was amazed at how clear that water ran after unplugging all that crap, literally. Septic systems are so gross.
Mr. Poop cleaned up his long vacuüm hose, wrote out my bill and told me he'd be waiting for an invitation to our annual Christmas party. (I make fast friends with everyone I meet.)
P.S. I don't have an annual xmas party, so don't wait for an invitation, K?