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How to deal with mom when you dont really like her

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So I do love my mom, she is getting older, 67. We lived apart for many years and 2 yrs ago I asked her to move closer (and her husband). Since then I have gotten to know her as a person and although i do love and care about her I am not sure how to deal with things.

Basically and to sum up, she is emotionally damaged which has made her have very low if any self esteem, she is extremely negative in general, she over over analyzes everything to death, she is paranoid, she thinks everyone including the grocery store employees, librarians, doctors, neighbors etc dislike her or are out to get her in some way.

I have tried to talk honestly to her but that always backfires or does no good, I have tried to email her little inspirational quotes, I try to just listen and be supportive or without seeming like its on purpose try to turn the conversation into a positive to help her see a different point of view on whatever the subject of the hour is. I dont really spend as much time with her as in the past, we dont go to each others homes often (even though she lives 5 min away and I have kids).

Anyway what do you do if you have someone in your life you love, like your aging parent, but dont like? I feel sorry for her and just wish she could be happy and positive about life, she has so much to be happy about but cant see it through the fog of negativity.


Thanks for "listening"


by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 6:26 PM
Replies (11-20):
Bleacheddecay
by Gold Sister -lp on Feb. 16, 2013 at 10:35 PM

All you can do is try to get her to see a doctor for depression or whatever, go on meds, and get counseling.

Or, get her declared incompetent and take control of her care. I am convinced that if I did that, my mom would be better off but I just can't make myself do it.

She might fight either one of those.

My mother is impossible. I love her but she is toxic and horrible now. She wasn't always that way but she has been for over 20 years now. I try to hold out hope that she will get better. I try to set strong limits on how and when I'm going to see her. I have had to create emotional distance from her or fall into a pit of despair. I did so for my husband and kids.

*HUGS*

Good luck in however you decide to go.

looneymom424
by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 10:37 PM

Actually gave my mom the boot she was always downing me she favors my sibling sisters and not me and my brother.  After she got sick with Alzhemeirs I visit occasionally but not often just cant forgive her.  It is your choice to be around her or not.  Just because they are family doesnt mean they have to be in your life.  Mine didnt care about my kids either though

mightymo
by Bronze sister on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:50 PM


i understand what You are dealing with,my mother was the same if  not worse,i was always there for her but it wasn't me she wanted,i tried getting her help,eventually i realized it was her that had to help herself,her admitting it was the problem,she never got help,so she never got better,all you can do is be there when she needs you,and take care of yourself

MentorMom1
by Silver sister on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:40 AM

I know people in the same situation. It's just so hard to get parents on meds, even parents with evident bipolar disorder who do crazy stuff that endangers their grandchildren.

It stinks to realize your mother doesn't have your best interests at heart. Or possibly never did. Or can't. And they'll deny it with their dying breath. As a kid I wasn't allowed to have my own voice, my own opinion. Anything I thought was wrong. And I never battled it, I just stuffed it.  Never spoke back. My mom acted like a drill sergeant. talking at us, not to us. Whatever she said, and my dad said, was all that mattered. They were God. I moved out at 18 and went to college. Then I moved across the country and got as far from them as I could.

The first thing she said to me when I had my first child was, "I am never, ever going to babysit for my grandchildren." My whole marriage, my dad would tell me that he can't stand men who play with their kids. My husband played with his kids. Both of them made me feel just terrific.

Her granddaughter, my niece, had been neglected and abused her whole life and was placed twice in foster care. She aged out of the system the last time. She was an only child. My mom knew the situation was horrible, but didn't report it or tell anyone. Neither parent was able to nurture her - drugs, alcohol, who knows. Her mom never wanted her, and told her so all the time. She became wild. I wanted to talk to my mom over the phone about how it all happened. I would have taken the child if I had known no one wanted her. But that would have been airing dirty laundry. My mom said, just as know-it-all as ever, "Oh, she has her GED now. She'll be just fine. Just think positive." I insisted that a GED doesn't make up for being unwanted your whole life. And once again, I was screamed at. Barked at. Told that I had to stop caring so much, not be involved.

So I stopped caring. And I'm not involved. With my mother. I grieved for two years. Then I stopped. We exchange greeting cards. She sent one for my birthday. It's a
singing monkey.

Quoting Bleacheddecay:

All you can do is try to get her to see a doctor for depression or whatever, go on meds, and get counseling.

Or, get her declared incompetent and take control of her care. I am convinced that if I did that, my mom would be better off but I just can't make myself do it.

She might fight either one of those.

My mother is impossible. I love her but she is toxic and horrible now. She wasn't always that way but she has been for over 20 years now. I try to hold out hope that she will get better. I try to set strong limits on how and when I'm going to see her. I have had to create emotional distance from her or fall into a pit of despair. I did so for my husband and kids.

*HUGS*

Good luck in however you decide to go.


 

RoseWall
by RoseWall on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:58 AM
3 moms liked this

i hear ya. really i do.

I am really listening to you.

i understand.

i am living with this same exact thing. after it is all said and done. i have simply accepted that she chooses how she is. and that it is not my job to change her or her life. that is up to her. i spend much of my time telling myself. that i love myself i love myself i love myself. really there is nothing else to do. i choose happiness for myself. i hope you do to.

hugs.

RoseWall
by RoseWall on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:01 AM

i was going to read the other replies. but. no. i think i will come back later and read it in small portions. sadly i suspect many of us are dealing with this too.

hugs. many many hugs

monkeymindedmom
by New sister on Feb. 18, 2013 at 3:13 AM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry that you have to grapple with this because it really sucks and is super painful. 

If you are certain that you want to keep her in your life, try budgeting time for her. For example, you could allow 5-10 minutes for each phone call and three hours for each visit. If you know that your time with her is finite, it will be easier.

Since she is aging, please don't act hastily. You don't want to live with regret. I say this having been there. My mom was a piece of work. I made a conscious decision to rise above it all and to do my best to be there for her. It was so difficult. But now she is gone and I have peace...

And it might be helpful to keep in mind that she is living a tortured life. Consider all of the fear, anger and misery she has rattling around in her head all day. 

Has she been to the doctor? Perhaps she has some mental health issues going on. You may want to call her primary doc and talk about what is going on with her.

And in all of this, make allowances for yourself. Maybe you don't have the relationship you want with her, nor can you give her the relationship you think she deserves. That doesn't mean that you are selfish, unkind or negligent. It means you are human.

jmlmomma
by Momma's new BFF on Feb. 18, 2013 at 8:03 AM

good opinions already given, so I'll just say "HUGS" This is not a cut and dry situation... HUGS again.

Chele18504
by Sister on Feb. 18, 2013 at 8:37 AM

I can relate to this so much.  My mom and I are two very different people.  She is in her seventies and we haven't talked much throughout the years.  She is very negative, always looks for flaws in people and think she is the intelligent one in the room at all times.  I had no sisters but two brothers and she always talked about them, went to their homes and sent cards, but I got nothing.  When I was younger this bothered me, but now I have just resigned the fact that we don't get along.  I love her and am very greatful for the advice  and wisdom she gave me while she raised me, but it seems she never believed what she told me.  It's sad cause I always  want that "mother daughter relationship" but I know it will never happen.  Best of luck to you.

RubyQ
by Gold sister on Feb. 18, 2013 at 9:00 AM

For whatever reason, your mother is more comfortable operating from a 'victim' position. Some people never break out this, either because they are characteristically inclined that way, or because they have truly been one for a long time, or a combination of both. Either way, it's more secure than finding and creating their own joy.

  The way to deal with it is: as little as possible. That doesn't mean don't go see her. It just means don't take it too personally. Yes, it is taking away from a more positive relationship with her , for you and others, but in the end it's her choice--even if she doesn't realize that is the ultimate one she is making by nursing a victim personality. If she did realize it, she probably wouldn't change, either; simply because it is an ingrained pattern of relating herself to the world.

 Also, did the paranoia exist before she moved closer to you? Growing paranoia can also suggest onset of dementia or alzheimers. 

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