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How to deal with mom when you dont really like her

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So I do love my mom, she is getting older, 67. We lived apart for many years and 2 yrs ago I asked her to move closer (and her husband). Since then I have gotten to know her as a person and although i do love and care about her I am not sure how to deal with things.

Basically and to sum up, she is emotionally damaged which has made her have very low if any self esteem, she is extremely negative in general, she over over analyzes everything to death, she is paranoid, she thinks everyone including the grocery store employees, librarians, doctors, neighbors etc dislike her or are out to get her in some way.

I have tried to talk honestly to her but that always backfires or does no good, I have tried to email her little inspirational quotes, I try to just listen and be supportive or without seeming like its on purpose try to turn the conversation into a positive to help her see a different point of view on whatever the subject of the hour is. I dont really spend as much time with her as in the past, we dont go to each others homes often (even though she lives 5 min away and I have kids).

Anyway what do you do if you have someone in your life you love, like your aging parent, but dont like? I feel sorry for her and just wish she could be happy and positive about life, she has so much to be happy about but cant see it through the fog of negativity.


Thanks for "listening"


by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 6:26 PM
Replies (21-30):
JodyLane555
by Sister on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:30 AM
Thanks to all of you who replied. with kindness. sometimes it helps just to know you are not alone. I will continue to love my mom but just spend less time with her. I dont think though that I will ever stop wishing she could just be happy.
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Bleacheddecay
by Gold Sister -lp on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:38 AM


*HUGS*

Quoting MentorMom1:

I know people in the same situation. It's just so hard to get parents on meds, even parents with evident bipolar disorder who do crazy stuff that endangers their grandchildren.

It stinks to realize your mother doesn't have your best interests at heart. Or possibly never did. Or can't. And they'll deny it with their dying breath. As a kid I wasn't allowed to have my own voice, my own opinion. Anything I thought was wrong. And I never battled it, I just stuffed it.  Never spoke back. My mom acted like a drill sergeant. talking at us, not to us. Whatever she said, and my dad said, was all that mattered. They were God. I moved out at 18 and went to college. Then I moved across the country and got as far from them as I could.

The first thing she said to me when I had my first child was, "I am never, ever going to babysit for my grandchildren." My whole marriage, my dad would tell me that he can't stand men who play with their kids. My husband played with his kids. Both of them made me feel just terrific.

Her granddaughter, my niece, had been neglected and abused her whole life and was placed twice in foster care. She aged out of the system the last time. She was an only child. My mom knew the situation was horrible, but didn't report it or tell anyone. Neither parent was able to nurture her - drugs, alcohol, who knows. Her mom never wanted her, and told her so all the time. She became wild. I wanted to talk to my mom over the phone about how it all happened. I would have taken the child if I had known no one wanted her. But that would have been airing dirty laundry. My mom said, just as know-it-all as ever, "Oh, she has her GED now. She'll be just fine. Just think positive." I insisted that a GED doesn't make up for being unwanted your whole life. And once again, I was screamed at. Barked at. Told that I had to stop caring so much, not be involved.

So I stopped caring. And I'm not involved. With my mother. I grieved for two years. Then I stopped. We exchange greeting cards. She sent one for my birthday. It's a
singing monkey.

Quoting Bleacheddecay:

All you can do is try to get her to see a doctor for depression or whatever, go on meds, and get counseling.

Or, get her declared incompetent and take control of her care. I am convinced that if I did that, my mom would be better off but I just can't make myself do it.

She might fight either one of those.

My mother is impossible. I love her but she is toxic and horrible now. She wasn't always that way but she has been for over 20 years now. I try to hold out hope that she will get better. I try to set strong limits on how and when I'm going to see her. I have had to create emotional distance from her or fall into a pit of despair. I did so for my husband and kids.

*HUGS*

Good luck in however you decide to go.





RoseWall
by RoseWall on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:42 PM

prayers and positive energy your way.

more hugs

Momforhealth
by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 12:00 AM
I would tell her how it makes you feel.
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kali_mom
by Sister on Feb. 22, 2013 at 7:47 PM
I Wish I still had my Mom flaws and all she's been gone 19 year as of this December. With that being said all you can do is set boundaries and let anything you don't want just slide off your back. Maybe help her to locate a group that will fit her and open her up to the possibility of being happy! Hang in there
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cuteoverload
by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 7:56 PM

You may need to limit your contact with her for your own sanity. 

cuteoverload
by on Feb. 23, 2013 at 11:01 AM

 run as fast as you can from her.  Thanks for the post.

Jellybean306
by Sister on Mar. 5, 2013 at 12:02 PM

My mom is in her 70's and still sharp as a tac. Years earlier when my boys were growing up, we had severe conflict.  She was very negative towards my children and the decisions we made for them.....I just had to find a way to forgive her and let it all go.  We have a much different relationship now that the boys are grown and doing well.  She found out that I actually knew what I was doing all those years with them.  Now I'm there for her.  She has a husband that is losing his memory...forget the diagnosis...someone else mentioned it...anywho...It is very difficult for my mom to deal with him.  He is scared, negative, doesn't trust anyone, and the list goes on....I can't be there for him but I can be there for my mom.....At her age I'd try to be there for her even if she were the negative one.  She was my mommy once and took care of me....now It's my turn.


michellejenner
by Bronze sister on Mar. 5, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I cannot help you on this one. My mom was awesome and I loved her so much. She is no longer with us. She has been gone for 4 years. 

Michelle Jenner
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wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Mar. 5, 2013 at 12:34 PM

This! I loved my mom, but she was an alcoholic and unpleasant when she drank. I had to establish the boundaries because I wanted my mom in my life, but I couldn't tolerate her when she was drunk.

Quoting finlyhappy65:

I would say you need to find your boundaries, what you will allow to affect you.  YOu can't "fix" her, you can accept her and define your own relationship with her.  You can love someone and not agree with their behaviour or attitudes - no matter what their age or relationship.

HUGS HUGS HUGS


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