Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Mom of 2 needs marriage advice....

Posted by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:33 PM
  • 24 Replies
  • 562 Total Views

I'm new here b/c I need some objective feedback about my situation. My husband and I have been married 18 years this month. We have a 7 and 10 year old.  While My husband is a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug abuser (3 1/2 years now), the strain that his past issues have put on our relationship have been tough to overcome. We've been through 4 episodes of alcoholism and 2 of prescription drug abuse until I finally gave him an ultimatum in 2009.  We spent the first 8 years of our marriage drinking and partying. In 1993, we had our first child....he went crazy--not into parenthood  and I took care of our daughter and eventually our son until he got sober 3 years ago. He's not a bad guy and in the words of my neighbor "it's not like he beats you" but at the same time, we have a shell of a marriage. Haven't had sex in almost two years (he suffers from depression and is still on withdrawal drugs from his last prescription pill addiction) and have NO intimacy whatsoever. It's like having a roomate/brother around. He has finally learned to engage with our kids, which I appreciate, but I feel like there are so many fundamental issues in our marriage that I don't even know where to start. I've gone to counseling, but if I mention divorce, he flips out and says that we will NEVER break up the family (denial). To make matters worse, his company is struggling and has been for a while and he's not making any changes to make the situation better. I'm now the breadwinner.  I feel like I deserve to be happy and am tired of always being the one who has to step up and handle things, but am really worried about my kids. I know that divorce can be tough on them and they're too young to explain our circumstances. I'm not a supermodel, but I get attention from men when I go out with my friends on occassion. I feel like I'm trapped in the movie, "Bridges of Madison County"--knowing there's probably something better out there for me but not wanting to rock the boat and/or be selfish at the same time. I can tell that he's really trying at home to make me happy, but I'm paralized when it comes to communicating with him lately....again, don't know where to start. Not sure if marriage counseling can fix this mess, esp. when we never had the most romantic relationship in the first place.  There's so much more to this story, but that's the overall gyst of it.....what to do???? I have gone to some counseling on my own which has been helpful.

by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:51 PM

 I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is good luck to you both.

PinkDragonFly
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:57 PM

sorry I too wish I had some adivce. 

BUT welcome to the group! 

Sharon

Revenge(ABC TV) and More, come join me CLICK

http://www.cafemom.com/group/118222


wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:07 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm probably not the best person to dispense advice, since I divorced my husband of 25 years. He wasn't into substance abuse, but he was controlling and emotionally abusive, and there was never any emotional intimacy because of his controlling nature. I kept trying for the sake of the kids, but when my oldest hit their teens and I saw them pulling away from their father, I knew that I hadn't done them any favors by staying with their control-freak father. They were feeling the same pain that I was. I would always suggest counseling if you feel there's any chance of saving the marriage and the desire to do so. But kids are resilient, and if you're in pain, they definitely will feel it, no matter how young they are. I hope things work out for you, and I'm glad your spouse is at least on the sober track now, whether it's for the sake of your marriage, or simply so he can be a strong and positive presence in the lives of your children.

LynnGelpke5
by Sister on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to the group! In a situation like this, it is very hard to give advice. My marriage was a little different so I'll tell you what I experienced. I am 40 and was married for 20 years, I have 5 children. My husband was ok, never hit me, smoked weed on occassion, never drank but mentally he was hard. He wasn't a happy person, and to be honest, I don't think he knows how to be. I went and did everything on my own. I'm a people person and he hate's to socialize. We went everyday through the motions, we had sex but no romance or intimacy. Finally, communication broke down and I was in such a state of depression. After soul searching and talking to God, I realized God didn't put me here to be unhappy. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make but it was the best decision for me. I felt selfish and didn't want to let my children down. I met a wonderful man and we've been together for over a year. My son who is 19, went to my bf and thanked him for making his mom so happy. My other son is 17 and he told me, Mom, you were not happy for years and you are now! I realized staying for the kids wasn't the best in my situation because they saw my unhappiness even though I thought I was hiding it. Search your heart and talk to God, have a support group in place (theres great ladies here) I wish you all the best! Remember, you deserve to be happy!!! Always here for you my friend :)

BL2010
by BL on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:26 PM

Hi and welcome to the group.

Let me ask you this... Are you still in love with him? If so, then you both need to get some counseling, individually and also as a couple. Then you both need to go to a marriage counselor. But only if you BOTH want this marriage to survive.

Is your husband taking/seeing anyone for the depression? If not, he really needs to.

Congratulations to him being clean for over 3 years!

headinthesand
by Sister on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this


Wow! Your story sounds so familiar. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your openess and honestly. I am a Christian and have prayed about this for a while. Sadly, my husband isn't, so that makes it hard. Thank you again!

headinthesand
by Sister on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:49 PM

 I haven't been in love with him for a long time. I love him as the father of my kids. My feelings are very neutral these days. He is being treated for depression. He's on lexipro and Subonxene (for his drug withdrawals--feels to me like he just traded one addiction for another...). While I think he does love me, I think his dependency on me is the bigger issue. I'm the one that always gets him through his rough patches...and so I don't think he has the confidence to go it alone, as an adult or a parent.

BL2010
by BL on Apr. 4, 2013 at 1:58 PM

Well, he does need the medication for depression. Is he seeing a couselor to help with the depression?

I hate to ask this but if you are 100% not in love with him any longer, then why stay with him?

Quoting headinthesand:

 I haven't been in love with him for a long time. I love him as the father of my kids. My feelings are very neutral these days. He is being treated for depression. He's on lexipro and Subonxene (for his drug withdrawals--feels to me like he just traded one addiction for another...). While I think he does love me, I think his dependency on me is the bigger issue. I'm the one that always gets him through his rough patches...and so I don't think he has the confidence to go it alone, as an adult or a parent.


jlsjjsmom
by Sister on Apr. 4, 2013 at 2:05 PM

Hi and welcome to the group. You mentioned you've had counselling. Has he had counselling for his depression? I've been married almost 30 years and while there have been no substance abuse issues - all marriages go through tough times. The fun and 'starry eyes' of the early years pass. You discover each others' faults. Everyone has days when they wonder 'what if I had chosen another path/man/etc.' It's obviously hard to give advice when you don't know the people involved. Just taking your post at initial value, however, I will give you my advice (and you may not like it but that's the beauty of these message boards - you can listen to what you want to hear and ignore the rest). I think you should stop wondering about what/who else is out there and stop making sure guys are checking you out and focus on your marriage. It sounds like your dh is trying very hard. We are all sinners but people can change. He's sober, he's reconnected with the kids and he may want to reconnect with you but you may be somewhat emotionally unavailable. It sounds like he'd be open to marriage counselling as it sounds like he wants to keep the marriage together. If the lack of romance bothers you that's definitely something you should bring up in the sessions. I'd do everything you can to see if that relationship can be salvaged before throwing in the towel. Don't get me wrong - I think in certain circumstances divorce is the only answer. I just think people should do everything they can to honor the vows they took and fulfill the covenant they made to each other and to God before giving up. Keep us posted.

mypitusadoll
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 2:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I am sorry for the difficult time you are going through in your marriage and I am glad you are asking for help. There is always hope, so hang in there. I think that marriage counseling is a good idea for you and your husband, so don't give up on that. Focus on the Family has licensed counselors that would love to speak with you about your situation. Just call 1-855-771-4357, it is a free service. I am affiliated with this organization and I know they will be happy to help. Also, I want to recommend these books: "Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough" by Justin and Trisha Davis and "Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship" by Dr. Gary Chapman. I will be praying for you and your family. I am sending you a PM. Sending a hug your way.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN