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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

When you hate your son's girlfriend

Posted by on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:13 PM
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My son is 17. I know hate is a strong word and I really don't want to use that word, but right now it is what I am feeling about his girlfriend.  The real feeling should be extreme concern.  She is also 17, almost 18.  She was adopted, but her adoptive parents kicked her out. Than another family not even related took her in, took her to Hawaii, bought her an iphone and generally spoiled her. She was also kicked out of there. Now she is in a group home. I don't know the details of why she was kicked out because she also lies and thinks it is always someone else's fault so I don't know what to believe. She gets in trouble quite a bit in the group home as well.  She is very, very bold.  She will argue with anyone and everyone including myself.  She has tried to "friend" us and we have tried as much as we could, but have just reached the end of our tolerance.

She calls and texts my son NONSTOP. Even while we were on vacation, at a funeral, wherever we are. She is extremely obsessive. We sent our son away for a weekend to a retreat where he did not have access to a computer or phone and she went crazy. She called me at least a dozen times, my husband, my other son and my daughter because she said she really, really needed to get ahold of our son. He pays for his phone and he is going away to college in a few days so I can only do so much. She is basically the "stalker" type and very possessive as well as obsessive not to mention downright crazy.

The bottom line is. I don't want to ruin our relationship with our son, but he is so hooked on this girl that it is interfering with our relationship. We've had many, many talks and he even admits she is crazy and has a lot of issues, but yet won't break up with her. Should we learn to accept her because we love our son? What does "accepting" her look like? I don't want to lose our son, but of course he'd drop us like an old rag for her anyday. Once they are both 18 they can of course do what they want, but as long as he is a minor I just can't promote the relationship. What do you think?

by on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:18 PM

 Sounds to me like she's holding onto your son because at least he shows her unconditional love. Don't know what kind of advice to give. Good luck! Sorry I wasn't of more help!

sahlady
by It's a jen.thing :) on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:22 PM
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"he wont break up" but admits she is crazy.... maybe she is threatening him or threatening to hurt herself.  This sounds like a fatal attraction!  I would honestly seek help for him.

My step brother chose girls like that when he was young and got the shit kicked out of him by one. 

Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:43 PM
1 mom liked this

 Geez...like Maria I'm not sure what advice or help I can give you, but I can say this. My dd was in 6 foster homes including 2 residential's before joining our family at the age of 7. She is now 17 and can be difficult at times, a bit over the top and obsessive and definitely someone who could outstay her welcome someplace and be a little "in your face." With that said...she's also loyal, kind hearted, sweet, loving, and tries to please (just doesn't know how to do that.) Aside from the lying or story making piece, which I can honestly say my dd doesn't do any more than others...it sounds like this girl could be my own dd.

I don't know how long you have known this girl...and perhaps sitting down and talking to her to set up some family ground rules. These kiddo's don't find acceptance very often and it sounds like your son may accept her for who she is and this is why she is so clingy. She may also not have a real good idea of what it means to be in a stable family. I say you just have a little heart to heart with her. If things don't improve...then I don't know how you should proceed other than talking to your son to express your feelings.

bergencounty
by Silver Sister - lp on Aug. 23, 2013 at 5:52 PM

 My son  has dated possessive girl friends ... drove me crazy .... hope your son gets out of that type soon. 

Wonder if she would have been different if she had been raised by her bio parents.

Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Aug. 23, 2013 at 6:01 PM

 I think what scares me is that this child really has no one in her corner, so to speak. From the way it sounds, 2 families gave up on her. I know she's almost 18, but where is her REAL direction in life? It can't or shouldn't be with your son; he's a young kid, too. Once your son goes off to college, she could possibly become a real harassment to you. MAYBE sit down and have a pleasant conversation with her. I also think that her adpotive parents should possibly be notified. I don't understand how she is disposable to them because she's a pain! Plus, illegal! If she's only 17.

First, talk to your son. See where he's at with her. I really feel for all involved here. Good luck and big hugs!

Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Aug. 23, 2013 at 6:03 PM

 

Quoting bergencounty:

 My son  has dated possessive girl friends ... drove me crazy .... hope your son gets out of that type soon. 

Wonder if she would have been different if she had been raised by her bio parents.

Or if she wasn't kicked out like yesterday's trash?

 

ALolies
by Red Room Rebel on Aug. 23, 2013 at 6:10 PM

Maybe when he gets to college they will drift apart. hugz!

patdru
by Sister on Aug. 23, 2013 at 6:10 PM

maybe she has confided in your son and told him why she acts the way she does. you said that you didn't know the whole story, maybe he does & feels bad for her. I think you should sit done w/ then both & have a long talk. Let her know that you are there for her if she needs to talk. Sounds like she has had it rough & just wants to be loved & accepted. Good luck. 

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Sister -lp on Aug. 23, 2013 at 6:47 PM

The last one I was like, "You know you should break up with her. I know you so I know you won't but you should. In the meantime I'm going to pretend I know no of this and try to treat her the same."

She had punished him for looking at porn on his lap top by watching her cut herself and then "O.D. - ing" on some prescription drugs. The so called O.D. didn't result in an E.R. visit so I'm not sure what that was about.

Later she said she "nearly cheated on him" and that is something he won't tolerate.

starlight1968
by 40ish hang out queen on Aug. 23, 2013 at 7:07 PM
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 I agree you need to sit her down and have a heart to heart.  Don't be "agressive" but act more concerned.. hugs

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