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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

I'm stressed, tired and fed up with the BS!

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 10:52 PM
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My 4 y/o son just started pre k this past Thursday and I didn't send any pic of him to his dad. A few reasons and tell me if I'm wrong. He hasn't once said to me, when does he start school, does he need anything? How can I help? Nothing! I told him I have a printed copy of his school schedule for him to pick up. He sarcastically told me to send it to him. I didn't bc if he really cared he would make an effort to pick up his schedule. To make a long story short, I sent pic to his parents and they in turn asked why my bd didn't get any! Now I look like the mean and selfish mom! He actually had very nasty words but I'm trying to get across to him that he needs to make an effort to be a part of his sons life and not the other way around! It's long but he manipulates the situation so that I look like the bad guy! Am I? I hate him so much but I'm trying to have a civil relationship for my
sons sake. Tell me if I'm wrong or what is the right thing to do. I can't take this verbal abuse any more! Help
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 10:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Fayanne
by Fay on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:00 PM
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 I'm not in your shoes, but if your son is only 4, for his sake, suck it up and be the bigger person. Send the schedule in the mail. Send the picture too. You don't need to bend over backwards, but little things like that will make it harder for them to paint you as the bad guy. In the long run that means less stress for you and less stress for your son.

 

wishbearmom
by Ruby sister on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:08 PM
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 Oh sweetie, I so get where you are coming from. I can't say that I have any respect for my ex, but for our kids' sake I am trying. He doesn't volunteer anything, but I am praying that by example he will eventually. Meanwhile, I have to do right by our kids. ((HUGS!!))

AndrewsMomPDX
by Christine on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:28 PM

You can always keep a large envelope around and stuff things from school in it and send it out once a month or once a term for a couple of more years. Maybe he'll find his big boy pants by then and learn to act like an adult who can do for himself. Hugs! Just remember you aren't doing it for him, you're doing it for your ds.

rojastarr
by Fang Slayer on Sep. 8, 2013 at 4:57 AM
Quoting Fayanne:

 I'm not in your shoes, but if your son is only 4, for his sake, suck it up and be the bigger person. Send the schedule in the mail. Send the picture too. You don't need to bend over backwards, but little things like that will make it harder for them to paint you as the bad guy. In the long run that means less stress for you and less stress for your son.


 




I agree .... While you have a valid reason to be upset...stay neutral for your son. As parents you must appear to be on the same page and keep disagreements away from your son. Good luck and hugs.
mjgm1966
by Bronze sister on Sep. 8, 2013 at 5:00 AM
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 First of all, in my opinion....that was extremely thoughtful of you to send pics to his parents, which they should have been extrememly grateful for! Second of all, they can pass the pics on to him.  Thirdly, he can always go to the school and get his school schedule FROM THEM....I wouldn't worry about it.  Sounds like he is knit picking.  And his parents.  If he wants to be involved....then it's his responsibility...not yours.  Chin up! :)

Marga01
by Sister on Sep. 8, 2013 at 6:06 AM
Thanks everyone, I really needed a boost!
RoseWall
by RoseWall on Sep. 8, 2013 at 7:28 AM
1 mom liked this

hugs

been there done that.

what i did was send stuff for the K-5th.

these days i figure he can make his own efforts.

its all for the kid

so my opinion is yes. send stuff for now.

i think its better to do it all now during these important formative years to give that other parent encouragement to connect with the child.

from grades 6 and the rest.

i think by then all should be pretty much on solid ground as far as involvement goes.

do it for your ds.

hugs

RoseWall
by RoseWall on Sep. 8, 2013 at 7:30 AM
1 mom liked this

thank you for including the grandparents and the other parent.

i know how much it takes. time and energy wise.

I appreciate you!

so thank you!

thank you

Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Sep. 8, 2013 at 7:31 AM
1 mom liked this

 While I understand your thoughts and can sympathize (been there) I also know that in time...this will all come back to bite your ex in the butt. Do what you need to for the sake of you son and without malise for your ex. Trust me when I say...the only one who will suffer in the end is him. I was SO full of hatred for my ex that I really wanted to make him pay. I wanted him to assume his share of the responsibility for his kids. I don't know who I was fooling...because he never did these things when we were together! I know its hard to separate your feelings of entitlement for your son and your dislike for your ex...but you really have to weed it out and decide WHO is going to be hurt by your actions.

I do think mailing the schedule is a small gesture and should be done. In the future...don't ask if he wants this...or even tell him that it's available. If he wants one or is interested he will come to you (or go to the school) himself. Telling him such things leads to you having to ask him if he wants one etc...

I guess what I'm saying is ENJOY your son. Do what you can for him but don't feel obligated to include your ex. If he wants to be involved he will (on his own) if he doesn't, then that will be his cross to bare. I know it bothers you that he's not more involved, but attempting to force the issue will cause you more stress and make your son feel as though all the issues are his fault. You may even be surprised. If your ex knows you've taken a step back...he MAY actually step up! I've seen this happen as well. If you are spoon feeding him information then he has no reason to do anything. Let him assume responsibility. In order for him to know anything...he will have to assert himself or at least ask you for the information.

Good luck dear! 

ZennMomma
by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 8:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I would of told his parents that I already discussed it with him, they don't need to worry.

as for the schedule, I would just email it. 

Save all emails and texts, always.

you don't have to put up with being abused, but if he is just being uncaring or rude, that's just the BS of having an ex you don't like. 

Sorry :/

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