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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

feeling alone

Posted by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:36 AM
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i thought i had this dealt with but its reared its ugly head again. im tired of feeling like the unpopular paren because others at my childr e ns schoo l activi t ies dont really give me the t i me of day it seems like.as if its a popularity conte s t all over again.  

my s ist e r i n law goes to a concert with 6 other women a n d im lucky to go with one other friend . i rar e ly have an y one call me or do something together. i usto be more outgoing but i am giving up. tired of always reaching out to others and no one reaching out to me or going out of there way for me. 

thank god i got a fulltime job to keep me busy th e n i can tell myself i dont have the time. 


bad

by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Manth
by Manth on Sep. 29, 2013 at 5:13 AM

I've only lived here for 20 years (almost 21 years).  In that time I have made a literal handful of friends (fewer than 5) and not one of them would I call up and suggest we go out for a cuppa.  I'm not a terribly social person and find it excrutiatingly difficult to talk to people I don't know.  

Even when my kids were in school just around the corner from home I rarely spoke to the other parents.  I was the active parent in the classroom and all the kids knew me but the parents wouldn't speak to me.  Part of that was the age gap.  I had my kids in my 30s.  The average age of first-time parents in my area is 15 (no kidding - the teen pregnancy capital of the state).  So they wanted nothing to do with the 'grandmother' bringing the kids to school.  

Most of the time it doesn't bother me.  I have my on-line friends (it's easier to talk to a stranger when they are not sitting in front of me), and some long-time friends from before my marriage and moving across the country to be with Him.  Those friends I mostly catch up with on-line these days, saves a lot of money in long-distance phone calls.  

Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Sep. 29, 2013 at 6:26 AM
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 I don't think you are so unusal. I've lived in my home state all my life and can count on one hand my friends. Even those that I would count aren't people who I get together with regularly.

I think I know how you feel. I'm pretty outgoing myself. I have a LOT of people I talk to, but I don't really have close friends whom I feel that connected. It's why I come here. These ladies here (although most I will never meet) are my friends...my sisters...my sanity.

dana63
by Momma of 40ish on Sep. 29, 2013 at 6:42 AM
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 Never give up! I am 50 years old with a 7 year old and last year I was the lone ranger until I started putting myself out there and found others were my age with kids in my daughters class. We started to hang out and had coffee and now we are on each others list to pick up and the kids do play dates.

Hugs~

rojastarr
by Fang Slayer on Sep. 29, 2013 at 6:53 AM
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OK I am going to be the big baddie here. I think you are amazing however, our happiness, social activity and mental status lay firmly in our own locus of control. Simply said, you have all the control. It is really hard for us to accept that because it gives us no out when we feel bad. I think that if you have that one friend and get to go to concerts....go and rejoice in that one friend. Sometimes it is less stressful to do things in smaller groups. Fully enjoy her and what you are doing? Someplace you want to go? You say you work...lots of great people there...arrange a roadtrip. I pick a great place with great shopping and a nice restaurant....someplace unique. Then ask who at work has the day off and wants to go. These can get big depending on the size of your workplace. It us loud, busy, people may break off into groups to meet back together to eat. Grab a few people you know to see that must see new movie....who can be grim over popcorn and cinema....picks me up every time. When depression starts to kick in the initial reaction is to isolate. Take care of your health, eat well, add a 30 min brisk walk (as good as prozac) get 8 hours sleep and then get busy. You will feel better as driver in your life rather than letting other people decide your fate. I hope you feel better. Remember you are not really alone because you spoke up and I was nosy and peeked in. Of course I seem to have lost all filters and have been giving advice left and right so forgive me. Go out there, spread those beautiful wings and fly but most of all live.
Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Sep. 29, 2013 at 7:02 AM
1 mom liked this

 And THIS is exactly why I love you!!!!!

Quoting rojastarr:

OK I am going to be the big baddie here. I think you are amazing however, our happiness, social activity and mental status lay firmly in our own locus of control. Simply said, you have all the control. It is really hard for us to accept that because it gives us no out when we feel bad. I think that if you have that one friend and get to go to concerts....go and rejoice in that one friend. Sometimes it is less stressful to do things in smaller groups. Fully enjoy her and what you are doing? Someplace you want to go? You say you work...lots of great people there...arrange a roadtrip. I pick a great place with great shopping and a nice restaurant....someplace unique. Then ask who at work has the day off and wants to go. These can get big depending on the size of your workplace. It us loud, busy, people may break off into groups to meet back together to eat. Grab a few people you know to see that must see new movie....who can be grim over popcorn and cinema....picks me up every time. When depression starts to kick in the initial reaction is to isolate. Take care of your health, eat well, add a 30 min brisk walk (as good as prozac) get 8 hours sleep and then get busy. You will feel better as driver in your life rather than letting other people decide your fate. I hope you feel better. Remember you are not really alone because you spoke up and I was nosy and peeked in. Of course I seem to have lost all filters and have been giving advice left and right so forgive me. Go out there, spread those beautiful wings and fly but most of all live.

 

mjgm1966
by Bronze sister on Sep. 29, 2013 at 7:53 AM
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 Hey.  I'm not one to count my friends...however, the good friends that I do have--I can count on one hand.  And better yet--I CAN COUNT ON!  It's not the quantity....it's the quality of the friendships that we carry.  I'm much better with a one on one when socializing.  If you see someone that you think might have the qualities you look for in a friend--put yourself out there.  Take baby steps.  And see where it goes/grows.  Have faith sister!

terri-553
by Terri on Sep. 29, 2013 at 8:02 AM

My nearest/dearest friends,We keep in touch by snail-mail-e-mail -phone calls,I went to a very ,very small school 10 students in most High Classes,And didn;t then/still don;t after 40 years feel the need to have them in my life.I don;t even have contact w/my sisters.It,is okay,I;d rather have my hubby,my kids,grands,and my CM-Groups where I have found new sister-friends as myg/daughter says,and my GirlspuppyPrissi-puppySugarbutterflyhave a nice day

Bleacheddecay
by Gold Sister -lp on Sep. 29, 2013 at 9:17 AM
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I think you can have tons of friends if you are shallow and not really discerning. You know the "friends" who compare, clothes, jewelry, husband's, houses and children? The ones that go out and get wasted a lot?

My friends are few and far between. I sometimes wonder why they don't prioritize me more. But the truth is, I'm very self sufficient and kind of shy. I think they value me in some ways but we are all busy. We are not the shallow, let's get together and scream that we saw each other types.

Over all, I'm pretty happy by myself. There are times I get with one or more of my friends but I don't need to, in order to be happy.

DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by ASS QUEEN on Sep. 29, 2013 at 9:26 AM
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I know how you feel. I have lived in my town for nearly 14 years and I am still an outsider here. I have volunteered in my community and my kids schools. I am a very involved parent and help out where I can. I was a single mom (until last Saturday) but still give as much of my time as I possibly can. Many of the moms here are stay at home moms and don't have to work. We live in a very affluent area and I am not an affluent mom. I manage to keep my kids in the latest fashions and keep them involved in the activities they enjoy but I dont have the time and money to give like some of their friend's parents. I am a very outspoken person and if someone asks me what I think about something, I give them my honest answer. I try very hard not to be a gossiper and when people try to gossip with me, I make it clear I am not interested. This has not made me popular with the back fencers here. For some reason, I have never had many female friends. So, that leaves me with very few friends here. I have learned to be ok with that. I have a nice life and love my family dearly. I have a wonderful husband and great kids. I love my job and the people I work with. I put my value in all of that. I have never needed a lot of people around me to be happy. You simply have to learn to enjoy being with you and if no one else does, at least you will be with company that respects you. 

Mrsg678
by New sister on Sep. 29, 2013 at 10:08 AM
I'm sorry you have to deal with this! I used to have a lot of friends, but was stabbed in the back by my 2 closest friends (1 was in my 1st wedding, the other was with me for my delivery and I with her, along with our hubby's). I won't go into the long, sordid details, but I never spoke to them again and it's been almost 8 years. Still hurts. My other close friend I introduced to another friend of mine that does hair. They became besties and she actually moved to be a couple of blocks away from her. She still does my hair, but I have thought about "moving on" because it hurts! I go and she has pics of her and my friend around and Facebook can be really hard! Because of the pain that my so called friends have given me I find it really hard to make more friends, especially at the age of 45. Establishing trust with any more women seems near impossible to me :( HUGS!
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