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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

This is actually a double post.  I posted in the grandma forum, but did not get a response ... 


I am having mixed emotions about this because I am 43 and my 18 year old unmarried daughter just announced she is pregnant.  I am sad, angry, scared and even a little excited at times ... although that feeling is short lived and rare.  I found out a week ago and I am scared to death to tell my parents.  How do you tell your 63 year old mom she is about to be a great grandma.  It was hard enough 23 years ago when I announced at 39 she was going to be a grandma.  Honestly I do not know how to tell her that the family curse lives on ... my daughter is the 6th generation of second daughter to have a baby at 19.  Weird huh? 


It is hard to be happy and excited when you know the long hard road they have chosen and there is nothing you can really do except support them and try to do your best to help and guide them a long the way.  

Oh my youngest is 7 years old too.... that is part of my depression here.  I have ALWAYS had a baby.  I just wanted a little break between kids and grandkids.  

So here I am looking for advice and encouragement, which I am not really getting from my sisters.  My husband is being great and has his moments of shock and disbelief, but is definitely handling this better than I am.  I am planning to wait until after the holidays to tell my parents, but I know what their reaction will be.  Not good.  

I should probably add because we do not have much money.  My husband makes enough to pay the bills and stuff, but we dont do a lot extra becaues we dont have a lot extra.  So my son and oldest daughter are forever going to them asking for this or that ... new cell phones, clothes, money etc ... and I know they are thinking this is just going to be another baby we cant afford to have.  But the one who is pregnant has never asked them for anything.  Ever.  She is perfectly content with what she has.  And I should also just point out that they are not asking for NEEDS, they are asking for wants.  They all have cell phones and clothes... they just want more.  

by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 9:14 AM
Replies (21-30):
hau_siyoka
by Doll Baby on Dec. 9, 2013 at 8:45 PM

At least  you were told sweetie...I got a pic saying I would be a great grandmother!!! It's 2000! New way of tell of folks lol 

ravenseeyore
by Gee on Dec. 10, 2013 at 1:11 AM
1 mom liked this

First, let me say Congratulations !!  My daughter was 18 when she called to tell me she was pregnant, she was excited and nervous about how I would react.  She had called her older sister first and that call had not gone well.  My dh tells me that he felt I handled it pretty well, I told her that I was happy for her and we would help her as much as we could.   When I got up the next morning I asked dh if K had called and said she was pregnant.  At first I wasn't sure if it had been a dream or that she had really called. I was pretty well doped up at the time and still in a lot of pain.  I had several fibroid tumors on my uterus and the day after she called I was at the surgery center at  5am for a hysterectomy.

My daughter and her boyfriend had been together almost 2 years, when she got pregnant. That didn't last, they split up by the time their son was 5, he is now 12.  She has been with her current boyfriend about 5 years and they have 2 together.  A girl that will be 3 in Mar and a boy that just turned 1 in Sept.  When you see these 2 you have to wonder if they are twins.  There is only a 2 pound difference and maybe 3 inches in height. 

All 3 of my grandkids have been delightful little surprises.  She was on birth control everytime she got pregnant, so it was truly a surprise.  We love all 3 very much and enjoy the time we get to spend with them. By the time your grandchild is born you will be looking forward to it.  As far as your parents go, if your mom starts yelling try not to let her know that it bothers you.  Most 63 year olds that I know are asking why haven't you given me any great-grandkids?

See if you can have your daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents over for dinner after the holidays are over so you can sit down and talk about their plans.  Then you can offer the help you feel you can. 

dalbax2
by Sister on Dec. 10, 2013 at 2:54 AM
No....caring for the baby will NOT be your responsibility unless you allow it. Also, why is it up to you to tell your parents? That is up to your daughter since she is the one who is pregnant, not you.

Quoting tlcmommi4:

My 18 year old daughter (I have 3 daughters 23, 18 and 7 and one son - 16) has been with her boyfriend for 3.5 years and he and his parents are very much in the picture and ready to handle the situation.  They planned to marry after college anyway.  He is 21 and a junior, she is 18 and a freshman.  Obviously, we are in a much better situation than say it was a short term boyfriend or a one night stand.  But it is still hard to swallow none-the-less.  She plans to stay in college,  just not at the one she is currently at.  She is moving home after exams this week and enrolling at a local college here.  We all agree that both kids should stay in school and keep on track.  I am the only soon-to-be grandparent here that doesnt work outside of the home, so caring for the baby will be my responsibility.  

Her boyfriend goes to school 2 hours from home and can not transfer here because his major is not offered, so against his wishes, we are strongly encouraging him to stay put and finish up because he is so close.  But he really, really wants to move back home at the end of the year so he can be here when the baby is born.  We are looking at alternatives (possibly 2 very full days a week up there and commuting).

It is just hard to let go of the dreams you had for your child.  I know they are still possible, but the obsticles are greater now.  

As for my parents, you are right.  Thankfully, they are 1200 miles away and if they start screaming at me, I can just hang up the phone :) 

jjames1990
by Sister on Dec. 10, 2013 at 6:21 AM
I do know how you feel. Six months ago my DD, 23 was working 2 jobs, going tl college. She did finish college thankfully. She however is now living back home with us, not working and is 6 months pregnant. The father has chosen bis career over her and the baby and is in South Africa with now we found out, not expected date of return. She is refusing to ask him for any money, or child support. We respect her decision but it puts more pressure on us of course.

I didnt imagine becoming a grandmother at 42. I have always said that when I became a grandmother, I would be the babysitter, so that my children could continue their careers and not worry about the cost and risk of daycare. So I will stick with that plan but it really puts us in a bind. I will quit my job. I am going to try and start something at home to make money.

I understand the mix of emotions. I have them every day. The excitement and then the fear. With the overwhelming feeling that DD has ruined her life. But the truth is, it is her life. I am choosing to make this my responsibility. So I try to make myself stay positive.

Your DD is a little younger, so I know the fear is different. I do have a positive story for you. DD has a friend. A mom at 16. Her mother was a single mom, they were poor. Very POOR. The 16 year old had the baby. Took advantage of the resources Welfare gave her. Daycare and school opportunities. Four years later, that single, teen mom, can be heard on our local rock station fr 7-midnight, spinning our music. She went to broadcasting school. She has a place of her own, a car and a great job. She did it all on her own. It can be done, a baby doesn't have to mean the end of opportunities.
SeanandNoahsmom
by Manning Fan on Dec. 10, 2013 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this

 Very well said; I agree 100%. Do remember that this child is a blessing for your whole family. Once he is born, most of your anxiety will melt.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Quoting Carmen66:

Well I know the feeling, my daughter was pregnant at 19 and I was 37 at the time and had 2 other kids in the house. All I can tell you is take it day by day, it's gonna be hard but have faith. This child is a blessing for your family, children bring joy and happiness into the world. I know you are scared and excited at the same time, but that's normal. As for you telling your parents whether they agree or not she is your child not theirs, they will be upset but they will get over it once this baby is around. She seems like a good kid, just make sure she understands that this is her responsibility not yours. As a mom and grandmom you are there for her when she needs help, other then that she has to get on top of her being the babys mom and responsible parent for that baby. Where is the father of the baby? is he in her life and is he willing to help at all? Good luck and look at it this way, gods blessings are always best .

 

Dawn
SeanandNoahsmom
by Manning Fan on Dec. 10, 2013 at 12:00 PM

 P.S. original poster- I am sorry we missedyou in the grandparents forum. Since I am not one, I rarely go in there; though that is no excuse. (((hugs)))

terri-553
by Terri on Dec. 10, 2013 at 1:33 PM

Hi,welcome,This will be okay,things always are,I have 8 grands you will be great at this.simple smile

RysGram
by Sister on Dec. 10, 2013 at 8:40 PM
First off, tell the older kids who are always asking for crap to get a job & buy their own stuff! My daughter was 5th generation to get pregnant at 19. She worked through her entire pregnancy until the week before baby was born. She was back at work when he was 4 weeks old. She has never asked us for anything for herself or the baby. She is raising him on her own, because the dad took off when he found out she was pregnant. There is no reason that anyone else has to support this child. If she feels she's old enough to bring a baby into the world, then she can support it. Now, on to the wonderful part of this. There is NOTHING better than being a Grandma :) It is so amazing... My advice is to stand behind your child & do what you can to emotionally support her. As for your parents, they really have no say in this. Your child or grandchild are not their responsibility. Good luck to you all.
my2kidsmom9498
by Sister on Dec. 10, 2013 at 9:50 PM
Hi and welcome.. I wouldn't be thrilled, but not much you can do about it. Be clear on your expectations. She is the parent. She can get love and support but you are not the free babysitter. You are willing to help but this is her responsibility. She can start by calling her own grandmother!
RoseWall
by RoseWall on Dec. 10, 2013 at 10:31 PM

all i  have for you is hugs.

hugs


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