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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Torn. UPDATE........

Posted by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:51 PM
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 My ex has a 34yo cousin who is currently on life support after a series of strokes have left him brain dead. They are taking him off life support today. I asked my ex not to let my boys (ages 16 & 19) be in the room because, as someone who has worked in the medical field, I know how traumatic this can be when you have to watch a loved one die after support is removed. My ex feels they are old enough to decide themselves. My ex isnt the one who will deal with the aftermath if this affects them as I believe it will.

What would you do?

***I know death is a part of life. However, I have seen many families deal with the guilt they feel when a loved one dies after life support is removed. They always wonder if they could have prevented the death by keeping them on support. I know my boys arent making that choice but being there can still produce those feelings.

 

***************They came home tonight. The life support was removed and the doctors said it may take a couple of days. It turns out the strokes were due to the drugs he was taking and the results of the strokes is irreversible. Another young person lost to drugs. Sad. Please pray for him and his parents. He is an only child.

by on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Jan. 12, 2014 at 12:55 PM

 Had there been discussion about this leading to the possibility of him being removed with them? I don't know your children and do not feel like I could give a solid view on how they might handle it. Some children can handle this perfectly...and it gives them closure. Others do not do nearly as well. Were they close to this person?

sahlady
by It's a jen.thing :) on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:01 PM
2 moms liked this

I have a 16 and 19 yr old and for my kids I would give them the choice.  I am pretty sure that both would want to say good bye to their loved one prior to the machines being shut off, and would be surprised if either wanted to be in the room.  But for my kids I feel comfortable enough that they know themselves well enough to make that choice.  I would probably feel comfortable enough to allow my 13 yr old to make the choice.

Do your kids know themselves well enough to make the choice?

Would your kids say what dad wants to hear regardless of their own feelings?

Do your kids feel the need to prove anything or do they feel comfortable enough to say what they feel?


DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by ASS QUEEN on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:02 PM

My ex called me last night and told me. My boys have known him their whole lives, but not close. My ex wouldnt tell me exactly what caused this young man to have a series of strokes but he eluded to the fact the boy has a history of drug use. I asked the boys how they felt and they said they were upset. I told them they didnt have to be in the room. They just said ok.

ChellBell2013
by Beach Lover on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:02 PM

Hugs

LadyAmaranth
by Amaranth on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:04 PM
1 mom liked this

I watched a loved one die, I would not want my kids to see that either. Death is a part of life but it doesn't have to be shoved in faces either.

I think I'd let the 19 year old choose but keep my 16 year old out of the room. At 19 he's technically an adult so can choose for himself and should.

We're they even close to the cousin?

DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by ASS QUEEN on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:04 PM

 I dont know that they would say no if their dad wanted them to be in the room, so I gave them the choice. I told them they didnt have to be in the room, that they could say good bye BEFORE the machines are turned off.

Quoting sahlady:

I have a 16 and 19 yr old and for my kids I would give them the choice.  I am pretty sure that both would want to say good bye to their loved one prior to the machines being shut off, and would be surprised if either wanted to be in the room.  But for my kids I feel comfortable enough that they know themselves well enough to make that choice.  I would probably feel comfortable enough to allow my 13 yr old to make the choice.

Do your kids know themselves well enough to make the choice?

Would your kids say what dad wants to hear regardless of their own feelings?

Do your kids feel the need to prove anything or do they feel comfortable enough to say what they feel?


 

sahlady
by It's a jen.thing :) on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:07 PM

sounds perfect to me.

Quoting DAHLONEGAMOMMY:

 I dont know that they would say no if their dad wanted them to be in the room, so I gave them the choice. I told them they didnt have to be in the room, that they could say good bye BEFORE the machines are turned off.

Quoting sahlady:

I have a 16 and 19 yr old and for my kids I would give them the choice.  I am pretty sure that both would want to say good bye to their loved one prior to the machines being shut off, and would be surprised if either wanted to be in the room.  But for my kids I feel comfortable enough that they know themselves well enough to make that choice.  I would probably feel comfortable enough to allow my 13 yr old to make the choice.

Do your kids know themselves well enough to make the choice?

Would your kids say what dad wants to hear regardless of their own feelings?

Do your kids feel the need to prove anything or do they feel comfortable enough to say what they feel?




DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by ASS QUEEN on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:07 PM

 They were around him at family functions but not close. He had a drug problem and my ex and I actually agreed to a limited exposure to the boy. 

Quoting LadyAmaranth:

I watched a loved one die, I would not want my kids to see that either. Death is a part of life but it doesn't have to be shoved in faces either.

I think I'd let the 19 year old choose but keep my 16 year old out of the room. At 19 he's technically an adult so can choose for himself and should.

We're they even close to the cousin?

 

Tootsiegirl44
by New sister on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:13 PM

I could understand them wanting to say goodbye to him, but don't see why it would be necessary to stay in the room once life support was removed. When my sister passed away, her boys kissed her goodbye and told her they loved her, but then they left the room. I agree with you, it is a very difficult thing to watch. I hope whatever they decide, that they are able to deal with it well afterwards. Best wishes.









Moms_Angels1960
by Husker Babe on Jan. 12, 2014 at 1:19 PM

I guess at that age I would let them know what happens when they are pulled off and give them the choice it sounds like they might be old enough to handle it but then I don't know your kids either some can handle it some can't.

My daughter was 11 when her grandpa died a couple on months ago I did not think it was best that she watch him  do that and made that choice for her, but she was only 11 and I didn't think she'd handle it well.

Only you and your boys can decide what they can and can not handle.

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