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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

Clingy friend....Long

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 9:31 AM
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 Let me start off by saying I am totally sympathetic to people who have a storm of troubles around them.  No one deserves that.  With that being said:

Do you have a friend who is always in a tailspin? I do (she's 44).  She drums up some of her drama and then fails to recognize it.  I'll only discuss what happens with me.

PREFACE: I have 3 ongoing medical issues (migraines, acid re-flux and hip arthritis).  Sometimes they all flare up at the same time.  When I have one or more afflictions happening I just want to be left alone until I feel better. A quick 'how you feeling' phone call is fine but I do not want to hang out or talk about what drama is going on in her life.  Sometimes these symptoms go on for days.  At times it's back to back.  Example: First acid re-flux will start and then from not sleeping at night I get a migraine and then the hip pain starts because I'm on the couch for 2 days.  It could be a week to 10 days where I'm not feeling well.  Everyone else understands this, except her.  The acid re-flux and the hip pain is somewhat new (within the last 2 years) but I've migraines before I even met her.

THE TRIGGER:  During these periods of time when I don't feel well she will barrage me with 'Did I say something wrong', 'Are we OK', 'I feel your pulling away'. She knows I don't feel well....WTH! We've known each other for years and she's still insecure about our friendship (actually, about everything).  After the first 4 dozen times I  blew it off but now I call her out on it.  I will ask her 'why do you think that, what makes you say that, you do know I don't feel well right.'  She knows why but always gives me an 'I don't know answer'.  So time will go by and something will happen that will cause drama and she will bring up how at times we don't talk.  Re-read the paragraph as to why we don't talk at times, but I'm sure you get the point.  And then she gets nasty.  Read below

THE CLING:  She always wants to hang out.  If it were up to her it would be everyday for hours on end.  When we do hang out it's never for 2-4 hours like my other friends, it's always 6+ hours. This used to happen 2-3 times a week! I get exhausted but she doesn't get the hint (even when I put on my nightgown and start yawning).  So I set boundaries.  We don't need to hang out constantly.  

THE AFTERMATH: It's the same conversation.  'We're not as close as we used to be'.  'I understand if you don't like me anymore'.  All of this comes out of left field (in my eyes).  Also, she texts constantly.  I like to talk out a situtation, she'd rather text it.  This is unacceptable to me.  If you want to talk, talk, don't text.  She accuses me of blowing her off, of being mad at her, ignoring her.  None of these are the case.  If I have something else going on she doesn't always need to be a part of it.  Then she'll throw out that this arguement isn't her fault and she doesn't understand why I get so upset that she accuses me of lying about plans or whatever and she doesn't appreciate when I start start flinging words her way and she wants the friendship to end.  Only to come back a few days later with an apology.

THE FUTURE:  I love her dearly.  She is one of my best friends but her insecurity is damn near killing me.  Her past has a lot to do with it, I completely understand that part but at point you have to put the past in the past or else you're never going to put it behind you.  I have suggested counselling for her and she says it's a good idea but never does it.  It's a vicious circle.

I'd love to hear your stories.  Please let me not be alone in this situation!

by on Jan. 15, 2014 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Jan. 15, 2014 at 9:45 AM

 Of course you're not alone! My childhood bff, is an alcoholic. She lives in FL, I'm in AR. So she'll call and go on and on about really nothing. Maybe all you can do is try to distance yourself from her. I really feel for you. Sounds like she is very draining. Hugs!

MethuenMom
by Bronze sister on Jan. 15, 2014 at 9:57 AM
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 I would but she lives next door.  The texting has stopped which was a huge hurdle and I am slowly enforcing my 'hang out' boundaries.  If she comes over I would like a 3-4 hour limit.  I give her that courtesy but I don't think she views it that way.  Of course at times it's completely acceptable to me to hang out longer but as the norm, I'd like to limit it.  Again, I love her dearly but it all boils down to her insecurity.  That drives me nuts!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your friends illness.  That must be very hard on you.  Hugs right back!

ChellBell2013
by Beach Lover on Jan. 15, 2014 at 10:03 AM

def not alone


 Hugs 

BL2010
by Just Me on Jan. 15, 2014 at 10:36 AM

No, you are not alone. I think you need to sit her down, again, and tell her this... I love her dearly.  She is one of my best friends but her insecurity is damn near killing me.  Her past has a lot to do with it, I completely understand that part but at point you have to put the past in the past or else you're never going to put it behind you.  I have suggested counselling for her and she says it's a good idea but never does it.

mom22tumblebugs
by Silver sister on Jan. 15, 2014 at 10:42 AM
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I had one like that... I put distance between us by being really busy all the time. Honestly, I feel better not having to listen to it every day. We hardly talk anymore. And I don't miss it. Sometimes I feel bad, so I call just to check in, but then quickly realize it was better the other way, for my mental health at least. She found someone else to call daily.

AndrewsMomPDX
by Christine on Jan. 15, 2014 at 10:46 AM
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I ended a friendship with someone I had loved like a sister, but it was always about her and some of her behavior was just more than I could handle and not worth the frustration. My dh had many chronic health issues and I know that he began withdrawing from people when pain was overwhelming, so if I were you I would just tell her when you are not available to her and refuse to engage.  Tell her you'll call her when you feel better and then just ignore her. If she respects you, she'll uderstand. Unfortunately my friend did not, so it wasn't worth continuing.

wenuck
by Moonshine on Jan. 15, 2014 at 11:31 AM
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You are not alone! I had a friend who was to clingy! I loved her to death but I had to (not completely) cut the ties but sort of to where we only talk 2xs a month now. And thats exactly what I did we had lunch and we had a long talk and I told her I'm not wanting to stop the friendship but it has to slow down some and if she was not going to accept it then we could not be friends anymore. You know what she understood everything I said and she said she was not willing to let me go completely cause she cherished my friendship with her. And she did we talk like I said 2xs a month and we hang out 3xs a year. And I respect her for that! Thats what I call a friend for me!

MethuenMom
by Bronze sister on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:30 PM

 When I'm going through my medical issues, or plans that don't include her, she starts this insecurity trip.  She has improved with the inappropriate anger towards these situtations but she still asks those annoying 'what did I do wrong' questions.  I'm learning to ignore them.

I've been having acid-reflux issues on and off since Christmas. She knew this on New Years Eve.  She was throwing the party and I was feeling OK but not up to par.  I still had every intention on going.  I cooked a few dishes, brought them over to her house and while everyone drank (except the kids), I had water.  We had 6.5 hours of fun. Even though I was having fun, at 12:20am the kids and I were tired (DH had a buzz going so he had no concept of time..lol) and it was time to go home.  The other couple who were there said that they were tired and leaving as well. I thought everything was fine.  That Friday she calls and starts with the insecurity questions......I difused them quickly.  We had beautiful weather on Sunday and I was feeling a better so DH and I went out to our garage and played some pool. she called me I invited her over to show her, it's not her. This was about 1pm. I was really hoping around 5pm she'd leave.  Her ex brought her daughter home at that time so I was hoping she'd just go home when her daughter showed up. She told him to drop her off over at my house.  At 7:30 we were sitting in the living room and told her I was tired(I believe I used the word done).  She still didn't leave. At 8pm I changed into my nightgown.  She still didn't leaave.  She did not leave until 8:30. Yesterday (I had a migraine) she picked her daughter up at my house because I was watching her after school.  I asked her how she was doing and she replied quickly..fine.  I asked her a few other casual questions and every answer was Yep, nope.  One word answers.  Then she took her daughter and said have a good night and walked out....I think something is festering!

Quoting AndrewsMomPDX:

I ended a friendship with someone I had loved like a sister, but it was always about her and some of her behavior was just more than I could handle and not worth the frustration. My dh had many chronic health issues and I know that he began withdrawing from people when pain was overwhelming, so if I were you I would just tell her when you are not available to her and refuse to engage.  Tell her you'll call her when you feel better and then just ignore her. If she respects you, she'll uderstand. Unfortunately my friend did not, so it wasn't worth continuing.

 

Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:40 PM
1 mom liked this

Certainly not alone. ((hugs))

MethuenMom
by Bronze sister on Jan. 15, 2014 at 12:41 PM

 I honestly think if I told her we could only hang out 2x a month she'd rather end the friendship because that would mean that I didn't like her enough to have the relationship we have now. 

But like you're friend, she uses those same exact phrases 'cherish the friendship'. 

Quoting wenuck:

You are not alone! I had a friend who was to clingy! I loved her to death but I had to (not completely) cut the ties but sort of to where we only talk 2xs a month now. And thats exactly what I did we had lunch and we had a long talk and I told her I'm not wanting to stop the friendship but it has to slow down some and if she was not going to accept it then we could not be friends anymore. You know what she understood everything I said and she said she was not willing to let me go completely cause she cherished my friendship with her. And she did we talk like I said 2xs a month and we hang out 3xs a year. And I respect her for that! Thats what I call a friend for me!

 

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