I'm sitting here today wondering how after 44 years I can change who I've become the passive take everyone shit and let them treat me how they wish and become a person who can stand up and become stronger and make my life better with or without my husband and daughter because there has to be something better out there for me this this nagging hatred for life I have going on now.
I realize my my life isn't that bad and many have it a lot worse but emotionally I am a wreak and most of it comes from the verbal and mental abuse I take from my husband and daughter on a daily basis. I can't completely blame them because I have created this by allowing them to treat me as they wish for the last 28 years, well only 14 years for my daughter (she's now 19 but started taking on the traits of my husband about age 5 and progressed as she aged.). Needless to say we don't have the best relationship in the world and she adores her father. It's funny her and I are a lot alike but so are her and her father...like the way she treats me disrespects me and calls me name and doesn't listen to a word I say. All taught to her by the fine example of her loving father (pure sarcasm there).
I am a coward I always think of how my action will affect them and if I think it will make them mad or upset I don't do or say what I would like to. Many times when I'm under attack (verbally) with my husband I have a lot I want to say but know it will only stir the fire larger so I keep my opinions to myself coward and usually do what he wants me to do letting him win. He is a bully a pure bully and I don't know how to deal with him, or the bully he created in his daughter.
I want to change yet I hate change. I have allowed myself to become isolated and very seldom leave my home other than work. I needed to talk to someone today and found I have no one I can turn too to vent to to talk to or to be my friend which by itself is sad sad thought. I have never been an overly social person but over the past years I have stopped doing anything because I didn't want to deal with the yelling and silent treatment I'd get from my husband if I did. I even stopped going out for dinner with family and friends in my birthday because the last year I did it turned I to a huge fight and he ruined my night...(no thanks to today's technology without it it would of been post pomed until I got home)
i dont blame him for it all don't get me wrong I am far from perfect and take fault for many things. The last several years have been even worse because back in 2009 I found myself in such a deep depressions that I screamed myself to sleep every day wishing not to wake up that I found myself having affair with a old friend that always was there for me and I'm not proud of allowing that to happen but honestly if it wasn't for him I don't think I would of every recovered from my depression because my family didn't care about my well being to help me and no one else knew how bad off I was since I live in isolation.
That has not created behavior on his part that was not present before just made his behavior worse and I get the hurt and can't trust issue but it's still the same person he was before the affair just intensified. He always had complete control over everything because if he didn't he'd have his tantrum and I would give in.
Ive thought if leaving but did I mention I hate change and scared to death of being a lone and honestly the financial aspect is a factor of my fear, I make little money and only work part time. I would get a second job and cut back on everything and get rid of the non nesscisary bills but it's all so scary. I've never been a lone. I went from living with daddy taking care of me to Sean taking care of me...it's a scary thought. The other fear which is stronger than any other is I will lose my daughter, she is my everything. I know she will take her daddy's side and I will be cut from her life. She's all I got. My mother died when I was two so my mother daughter relationship rests all on her which isn't fair to her but it is what is and I don't think I can live without having her part of my life. Our relationship is far from perfect and she herself treats me like shit and is toxic to my well being but I need her in my life daily life to give me some sort of sanity. I guess I would rather taker her abuse to have her in my life. I shouldn't have to take it but it's what it is.
i just don't know how to get out of the life I and only I have allowed myself to get into. I sit in this house amongst my husband and daughter but yet still very much alone. Neither take the time to talk or care about me as a human being. We live mostly in separate rooms with little civil communication unless of course you consider yelling and me bowing to there abuse communication. Like I said I have allowed them to treat me like this and have allowed it for so long I don't know how to get out from under it. Usually I can keep the sadness at bay but I feel it building up again and I refuse to go back to the my mistakes I've mad in the past to get beyond it. I want to to be happy, I want to smile, I want to be able to do things around my house without wondering if I do this or that will I get I. Trouble and yelled at again. I found a counselor but the fees I can't afford. I refuse drugs because they just mask the depression you have to meet it it head on to conquer it and so since I won't or can't the drugs won't do me no good it doesn't change the reality of my life or sadness.
Im im sure I will wake up tomorrow feeling better and today was just a sad depressing day but my daily life won't change until I have the courage to do something about it and I have no clue where to start to change my personality or my reactions to their bulling!! Any suggestions for a coward like myself!!!!
on May. 18, 2014 at 11:10 PM