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40ish and beyond... 40ish and beyond...

New :) My College Freshman is Pregnant & not speaking to us...

Posted by on Jul. 13, 2014 at 2:18 PM
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I need some advice. We found out about 5 weeks ago that my 18 year old, smart and beautiful honors pre-med (freshman) student is pregnant. She was dating a real loser (much older-24) for about 7 mos...saw the light and broke up with him. Since this was her first real relationship and he was super controlling, she never experienced the social aspect of college most of her first year. So during the 2+ months after their breakup,   went to some parties, got drunk and slept with someone...and not a "nice" someone.  It pains me greatly to say this as she is a good girl and a virgin until the loser.

She is now pregnant by this person she barely knows. Shortly after discovering she was pregnant, she took the loser back. I think she was worried that no one would ever want her with a child and she wants a dad for her baby. When I say loser, it's not an exaggeration. He drinks heavily & uses serious drugs (my daughter does not do drugs), has had 4-5 jobs in the year she has known him and none for more than 2-3 weeks before quitting or getting fired. He has purposely broken expensive things of hers, damaged things in her off-campus dorm apartment, checks her cell and computer (which he uses to watch porn while she's at work or class) and left bruises on her upper arms from grabbing and shaking her. She has an amazing job, a great future, tons of self confidence, poise and beauty (she has modelled). All he has is good looks and a drug problem. She pays for college with student loans and scholarships and her apartment with the same & work. She buys his gas and cigarettes. He eats her food, which she buys with the small allowance ($40/wk) she gets from her loans/work. We pay for her car maintenance (new engine last month) and repairs, and used to buy her a weeks' worth of groceries and fill her tank up once a week as well as toiletries, cleaning supplies etc. That has all stopped since they got back together as we refuse to help feed this loser. 

We were obviously mortified when we found out she was pregnant. We told her immediately that while we are disappointed, we would help her, her life was not over, she could stay in school, etc. We thought she'd take a semester off when the baby was born and then live at home and commute/take online classes through her school.  Then she got back together with the loser.  When my husband delivered her car to her at school with a new engine, he found the loser there sleeping while my daughter was at work...and promptly threw him out. 

My daughter was livid and did not speak to us for 3 weeks. Now, she texts when she needs info or a recipe or help with something, but will not see us or come home. She responds to texts once in a while and will stop if loser is even mentioned. I was only allowed to go to one doctor appt with her...now the loser (who is not the father) goes. I am missing out on this experience with my daughter. I want to be there for her. She has constant morning sickness and is still working and taking summer classes while loser lies around doing nothing. She says we need to "stay out of her business and her relationships". She has NO idea what she is in for when this baby comes. She actually has suggested that she might stay in her off-campus dorm apartment (with 3 roommates (2 new in the fall) plus her boyfriend) with the baby when it is born.  I'm sure her roommates will love having a baby crying all night when they have to get up for class. And who will watch her baby while she works and goes to class? Her loser boyfriend? Who will pay for maternity clothes, diapers, baby clothes, etc? We are willing to help with all of this if she comes home and loses the loser. We are biding our time til she gets sick of him and realizes that nothing has changed with him and nothing ever will. But what if she doesn't?

in the meantime our hearts are breaking. We don't want her to come home because of what we can "give" her, but because we are her family and will always be here for her and support her and love her. We are missing out on a precious time with her...giving her advice, going to doctor appts, etc.  Are we doing the right thing? What else can we do...accept her relationship with the loser and have them over for dinner? Send food for him to eat so he doesn't have to get a job?  I can't sleep at night over this and my husband is livid that she is choosing him over us after all we've done for her (and will do for her when she finally dumps him). It's killing both of us.

What is a smart girl like her thinking?? What would you do? What CAN we do??  I need advice ladies...
Thanks In Advance!!

 Heart-broken Mimi-to-be...

******UPDATE:*****7/16/14
 She has just informed us that she is signing a LEASE on an apartment with this loser and will live there with him off-campus when the baby is born. This guy may have gottten a job about a week ago, but he's never held one for longer than 3 weeks! Who is going to watch my grandchild when she is at work or school?? What if he starts using drugs again and she has to kick him out? OMG!!! I am freaking OUT!!!!!

by on Jul. 13, 2014 at 2:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Mariagma3
by Wild Midwest Lady on Jul. 13, 2014 at 3:32 PM
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 Hi Tia! I'm sorry to hear of this hurtful situation. Even though you don't like this guy, try not calling him names to her and him. That will help alot. Try just telling her that you will be there for your grandchild. Good luck! Hugs! Keep us posted, pls!

Flockof5
by New sister on Jul. 13, 2014 at 3:53 PM
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Thanks, Maria...we don't call him names to her at all, but we have expressed our great displeasure that she would take him back when literally NONE of the reasons she dumped him have changed. We tell her at least once a week that we love her and want what's best for her and the baby. I keep asking her to come home and get all the things that I keep getting for her (favorite foods, morning sickness stuff, etc). It just stinks :( 
BTW, I am not TIA (sorry!) TIA is Thanks In Advance :) 

Quoting Mariagma3:

 Hi Tia! I'm sorry to hear of this hurtful situation. Even though you don't like this guy, try not calling him names to her and him. That will help alot. Try just telling her that you will be there for your grandchild. Good luck! Hugs! Keep us posted, pls!


DanaG70
by Rock Chalk on Jul. 13, 2014 at 3:59 PM
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The ONLY thing you can do is to just leave it alone. I know it will hurt, but the only way she's going to learn what a loser he is, is to let her find out on her own. 

I was the same way when I got pregnant with my first. The more my parents pushed, the more I went toward him. My oldest was 6 months old before I got rid of him.

Good luck, just let her know that you will always be there for her, and don't mention the loser's name again.

LadyAmaranth
by Amaranth on Jul. 13, 2014 at 4:17 PM
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Welcome!

I'm gonna have to agree with Dana. 

Your daughter is in a situation that has her freaking out and overly defensive. Best thing is to let it be. She knows in her core that you're her true rock eventually she'll see truth and dump him and straighten things.

Until then....let her learn life lessons. Good or bad she'll be better off in the long run for them.

wenuck
by Moonshine on Jul. 13, 2014 at 5:48 PM
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Welcome to the group!! I am so sorry for what you are going through! But the ladies took the words right out of my mouth!! Yes its going to be hard but we are here for you anytime you need to just talk,vent and cry!! Hugs!!!!
Moms_Angels1960
by Husker Babe on Jul. 13, 2014 at 5:53 PM
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Welcome to the group and I agree with everyone else. Try not to say anything neagtive towards him and  try to be supportive  all you can. I know it hurts been down that road the more you say about him the more they go towards them. Hugs

Maida265
by Spanking the Monkey on Jul. 13, 2014 at 6:27 PM
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 I'm so sorry. You sound so defeated and broken up by all of this. I am sorry...it sounds like you are doing the right thing, but I'm sure it doesn't feel it. I don't have any magical advice but wanted you to know I've read this...and wanted to give you some ginormous hugs. This is a very difficult situation, but I fear if you place too many rules or stipulations on things, you may never get to see that grandbaby. I'm sure she will wake up at some point and wonder what she was thinking but I do hope it's not at the expense of her future or her baby's.


Walking next to you each step of the way. ((hugs))

mom_dl6
by Miss Mary Belle on Jul. 13, 2014 at 6:31 PM
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GREAT ADVICE from the Sisters. Good Luck and keep us posted hugs

   


GMMC
by Angie's Shadow ;) on Jul. 13, 2014 at 6:40 PM
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Hi there and Welcome...

I am at a loss of words for you. I don't know what one would do...

It sounds like a lot to take on and I am really sorry. My daughter who is only 14 for now...would take this type of route if she ever ended up in a situation like your daughter because she is so stubborn and bull headed just like me I am afraid to say.

I hope she comes back to you and honestly...I think she will once she realizes how enormous this situation of hers really is. It might be best just to stay on the side, keep the communication open so she feels that when she does really need the both of you...she can come back to you.

Then again...if she really thinks she can do it all on her own with this young man...then let them go and give it a try. I don't think either of them really understand the severity of this situation.

Anytime you need to talk it out with a group of ladies...we are always here.

Best to you,

PS....I think it is so funny how everyone keeps calling you TIA...hahahahaha!

Giselle, 

Flockof5
by New sister on Jul. 13, 2014 at 7:59 PM

Thank you ladies SO MUCH for being so helpful and supportive!! I think I am going to love being a cafemom!!

you rock

UPDATE:
I am trying so hard to not be critical of him, but I've already blown it JUST TONITE! Ugh.
She texted to say that 3 of her friends messaged her to ask her if she is pregnant. I asked who she told besides her boyfriend and she says nobody. We are the only other people who know. Obviously WE didn't tell anyone (especially her friends) so I told her that obviously when she got in a fight with him a couple weeks ago & he left for 3 days, he must have told someone. So she calls me a psycho :(   I am always wrong, always the enemy. He can do no wrong.
I guess I shouldn't have suggested the obvious. I absolutely hate this.
My biggest fear is that she will run off and marry him. His mother, whom I've met and who also thinks her son is a loser and has alternately cuts off contact with him & then gives him tons of money when he gets in a bind, loves my daughter. His mother is dysfunctional, addicted to pills, and would LOVE nothing more than to have my 18 year old as her daughter in law, taking her son off her hands. She probably knows about the baby and is pushing them in that direction, promising to buy baby stuff, etc. If they get married, I don't know how I will deal with it. She has 7 more years of school

 

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