New :) My College Freshman is Pregnant & not speaking to us...
I need some advice. We found out about 5 weeks ago that my 18 year old, smart and beautiful honors pre-med (freshman) student is pregnant. She was dating a real loser (much older-24) for about 7 mos...saw the light and broke up with him. Since this was her first real relationship and he was super controlling, she never experienced the social aspect of college most of her first year. So during the 2+ months after their breakup, went to some parties, got drunk and slept with someone...and not a "nice" someone. It pains me greatly to say this as she is a good girl and a virgin until the loser.
She is now pregnant by this person she barely knows. Shortly after discovering she was pregnant, she took the loser back. I think she was worried that no one would ever want her with a child and she wants a dad for her baby. When I say loser, it's not an exaggeration. He drinks heavily & uses serious drugs (my daughter does not do drugs), has had 4-5 jobs in the year she has known him and none for more than 2-3 weeks before quitting or getting fired. He has purposely broken expensive things of hers, damaged things in her off-campus dorm apartment, checks her cell and computer (which he uses to watch porn while she's at work or class) and left bruises on her upper arms from grabbing and shaking her. She has an amazing job, a great future, tons of self confidence, poise and beauty (she has modelled). All he has is good looks and a drug problem. She pays for college with student loans and scholarships and her apartment with the same & work. She buys his gas and cigarettes. He eats her food, which she buys with the small allowance ($40/wk) she gets from her loans/work. We pay for her car maintenance (new engine last month) and repairs, and used to buy her a weeks' worth of groceries and fill her tank up once a week as well as toiletries, cleaning supplies etc. That has all stopped since they got back together as we refuse to help feed this loser.
We were obviously mortified when we found out she was pregnant. We told her immediately that while we are disappointed, we would help her, her life was not over, she could stay in school, etc. We thought she'd take a semester off when the baby was born and then live at home and commute/take online classes through her school. Then she got back together with the loser. When my husband delivered her car to her at school with a new engine, he found the loser there sleeping while my daughter was at work...and promptly threw him out.
My daughter was livid and did not speak to us for 3 weeks. Now, she texts when she needs info or a recipe or help with something, but will not see us or come home. She responds to texts once in a while and will stop if loser is even mentioned. I was only allowed to go to one doctor appt with her...now the loser (who is not the father) goes. I am missing out on this experience with my daughter. I want to be there for her. She has constant morning sickness and is still working and taking summer classes while loser lies around doing nothing. She says we need to "stay out of her business and her relationships". She has NO idea what she is in for when this baby comes. She actually has suggested that she might stay in her off-campus dorm apartment (with 3 roommates (2 new in the fall) plus her boyfriend) with the baby when it is born. I'm sure her roommates will love having a baby crying all night when they have to get up for class. And who will watch her baby while she works and goes to class? Her loser boyfriend? Who will pay for maternity clothes, diapers, baby clothes, etc? We are willing to help with all of this if she comes home and loses the loser. We are biding our time til she gets sick of him and realizes that nothing has changed with him and nothing ever will. But what if she doesn't?
in the meantime our hearts are breaking. We don't want her to come home because of what we can "give" her, but because we are her family and will always be here for her and support her and love her. We are missing out on a precious time with her...giving her advice, going to doctor appts, etc. Are we doing the right thing? What else can we do...accept her relationship with the loser and have them over for dinner? Send food for him to eat so he doesn't have to get a job? I can't sleep at night over this and my husband is livid that she is choosing him over us after all we've done for her (and will do for her when she finally dumps him). It's killing both of us.
What is a smart girl like her thinking?? What would you do? What CAN we do?? I need advice ladies...
Thanks In Advance!!
She has just informed us that she is signing a LEASE on an apartment with this loser and will live there with him off-campus when the baby is born. This guy may have gottten a job about a week ago, but he's never held one for longer than 3 weeks! Who is going to watch my grandchild when she is at work or school?? What if he starts using drugs again and she has to kick him out? OMG!!! I am freaking OUT!!!!!