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Please: Aging parent advice?!

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 8:32 AM
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Anyone have advice on what to do with aging parents. I haven't had to deal with this till now.  Mine are 81 and in the past year my Dad has really gone down hill. We just found out his bladder is most likely beyond repair and now has a catheter. Anyone is this position with their parents and what does a daughter do to help? My Dad has surgery for the aneurism mid January. Sure wish it would be earlier but Christmas holiday is here so we just pray he will be ok for surgery. He can't have the stint as it's too enlarged (6.2 centimeters like a baseball). I said to the Dr he has a prostate bigger than a baseball and an aneurism the size of a baseball, wow not good! He still has the catheter and don't know what will happen (if anything can be repaired with his bladder). He goes back in a month to have the catheter replaced unless there's a miracle.They may have to remove his bladder at surgery too, but wow... that would be a lot to take out. Wonder if they can remove a prostate? Oh, so sad. He had 3 accidents (bowel wise) and that's never happened so don't know if it's because of having the catheter in his bladder or the stress of it all or what. How does a person deal with that? I told mom about pads and depends but she isn't open to that and my Dad isn't either. Quite a mess on our leather car seat, what does a daughter do when such happens? I feel bad and he couldn't help it but still something needs to be addressed, don't you think? Have you dealt with any of this and how.  I need advice.

by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 8:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
wenuck
by Wendy - Moonshine on Dec. 20, 2014 at 8:51 AM
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I am sorry for what your dad is going through. It's so hard for us to watch our parents age. I feel parents are going to do what they want to do all you can do is try keeping talking to him he might give in. I think for a man its tougher cause a few can be stubborn my dad is. Hugs!!!
wildchild.com
by Janine on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:07 AM
I'm dealing with this with mom right now. Last year she was in the hospital from December to May. She was diagnosed chrones disease & eventually had to have part of her colin out & now has a colostomy. My dad was wonderful at first, but when she came home & he realized she wasn't as independent as he'd like. He grew resentful. So I felt I had to be there for her transitioning. At first I was at her house every other day then twice a week. She needed help bathing & changing her colostomy. She's pretty independent now but because of athritis my dad helps her with the colostomy change. Yes my dad finally came around & realized this what it is so deal with it. If I was you I would look into a home health aide. Your parents maybe too embarrassed to discuss adult diapers with you or catheters. Maybe a thrid party that's not in the situation would be easier for them to deal with. It's a very difficult situation because these are our parents were used to them taking care of us & now it's reversed. I remember my mom crying while I was bathing her it broke my heart. But I just kept reassuring her it's ok & telling her she took care of me for 44 yrs it's time for me to take care of her. (((Hugs))) & good luck.
wildchild.com
by Janine on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:10 AM
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Yes Wendy that's my dad he's a very stubborn man!

Quoting wenuck: I am sorry for what your dad is going through. It's so hard for us to watch our parents age. I feel parents are going to do what they want to do all you can do is try keeping talking to him he might give in. I think for a man its tougher cause a few can be stubborn my dad is. Hugs!!!
atlmom2
by Susie on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:19 AM
So sad. Sometimes you have to be the mean guy like with the depends. It's better than the alternative. My FIL used depends the last 6 or 8 months of his life. If he made it fine. If he didn't then there was no mess. He needs to think about those around him.
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redneck_kids
by Linda on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:36 AM
My 75 year old mil is worse then my 81 year old mom. She has a lot of stuff going on, one of which is bladder problems and she wears depends. My mom is healthy old bird. Went to a house she is selling and she is up on a ladder!!!
Moms_Angels1960
by Husker Babe on Dec. 20, 2014 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Parents can be quite stubborn if it's in your car you have every right to put pads on your seats.

I know when I was dealing wiht my dad the last 15 yrs, I also had to fight my brother on things as he lived with my dad, had he not I think I could of done more for him.

I think all you can do is be there for them, go to as many appointments as you can and know that the time is coming that they won't be here. Be with the all the time or as much as you can.

I do feel for you it is certainly hard. Hugs

ALolies
by Red Room Rebel on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:05 PM

I am sorry you and your parents are going through this. I help with my MIL and sometomes you just have to be stern. I know they are our parents and we have to have respect, but they tend to revert back to being "the child" and we have to treat them as such. Let your dad know that you understand that he can't help it, but it's not fair that you have to clean messes when there are alternatives. BUY them depends for him and insist he wear them. I had to do that when helping with my step dad during his surgeries. I also got pads (like they use at the hospital in the beds) and put under him on the sofa. It is a tough place to be, but just let them know you are only trying to help, but you need their cooperation.

Good luck to your dad in all is medical journies. I hope they get everything taken care of. 

MentorMom1
by Gold sister on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:21 PM

This has to be a hard time for you and your family.

I have come to realize that aging parents, unless they are very unusual, have done exactly as they wanted all their lives and have a very hard time changing. If they used Downy fabric softener for 50 years, they don't want to switch at this point. My MIL only wants a Pop-Tart and coffee for breakfast. She knows it's not nutritious, but that's what she wants and she will have it, by jingo!

However -  If your father must wear Depends, then he must wear them - as crochity and bad-tempered as he may be. If he had a home healthcare nurse, he or she would probably not let your father go around without wearing one.

But it is a matter of pride, I think. You dad is unrealistic in thinking he will have complete control over himself, and hates to admit it. Be empathetic. Address his feelings about it. How he's embarrassed, but also doesn't want to be a bother to people. 

Good luck. I know it's hard.


mrgetinold
by Nana on Dec. 20, 2014 at 6:35 PM

sorry sweetie!!! we are the sandwich generation dealing with kids and aging parents at the same time! my dh and i have been doing this for 19 months now with his folks ( they will both be 78 soon). i know it is hard for your parents to depend on you for this type of care and it isnt easy to see your once sturdy parents age either. is there a home care that comes to the house to do visits to help you? my in laws are stubborn mules too they hide things from us so we have to go over and play P.I..My father in law had the laser thing done to shrink his prostate down ( you didnt say if your dad was cancerous or not) i know its hard for parents to have to use the depends and all. and i know its hard for you to deal with clean up and all! hung in there i hope this month speeds by and you and your folks here great news next month keep us posted

GMMC
by Giselle on Dec. 20, 2014 at 10:19 PM

I would hope you could reach out and have a medical professional assist you with a variety of options and support.

Best of luck... 

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