Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Elderly parents who need care- UPDATE

Posted by on Jul. 17, 2017 at 7:49 AM
  • 41 Replies
  • 593 Total Views
3 moms liked this

So I thought we had come up with a good solution.  BIL and his wife have a 3 bedroom house that is clean, safe, and in a decent neighborhood.  BIL works part time, so he is nearly always home.  Also, neither he nor his wife make a whole lot of money, so they could use some extra.  MIL and FIL could move in with them (no children, and no plans for children), MIL and FIL could pay them rent and someone would be with them most of the time.  MIL and FIL's extra money could pay for a caretaker to come by to help and for a housekeeper to come in once a week or so to help take the load off SIL.  MIL's brother could still help out with getting them to doctor appointments and that, until a more permanent solution could be found.  Sounds good?

Well, no.  FIL does not want to live with his SS- he "annoys" him.  So they have blanket ruled out the only people who have availability.  I am beyond frustrated.  You have nothing, you can't take care of yourself, but you are going to say, "no, not him"?  FIL doesn't seem to understand that his daughter wants to go home to see her husband once in awhile.


This is kinda long, sorry.  My in-laws are in Florida, we are in Virginia.  They are at the point where they need round the clock care.  FIL is early althzeimers, both are diabetic, and they can't take care of themselves.  They can't/shouldn't prepare their own meals, both have mobility issues, MIL has severe diverticulitis and is incontinent as a result.  Neither can completely take care of their own hygene and teh other day when FIL tried to do his own medicine he ended up in the ER from an insulin overdose.

Where they live, they have most of their extended family- really, all except us.  One of MIL's brothers lives about 1-1/2 hours way but he has been staying with them most of the time taking care of them.  His health is declining.  FIL's oldest daughter has come from Texas to help them, her husband is a transient pipeline worker.  FIL's other daughter lives locally to them, but she steals from them, tries to manipulate her dad into paying her bills or giving her money, so they don't want her around.  One of MIL's other brothers, the youngest, cares for their other brother, a mentally and physically  handicaped man in his 60s.     Finally, BIL, my wife's brother, lives locally, works part time, but has to be bullied into helping with his mom at all or even sitting with her.  He has been trained as a CNA, so he knows how to do some basic things. 

The family that is there that is helping (older brother, oldest daughter), are exhausted and so busy with everyday  care that they have been unable to do any real research into any services they may be elligible for to assist in their care.

My wife and I are looking at what we can do.  She has decided that we either need to move there, or move them up here.  All of their doctors are there.  I am pretty sure that they are both on state insurance, so they would have no coverage here.  Neither of us can quit our jobs to be full time caregivers, and they need full time care.  She is talking about a Granny-Pod or converting our detached garage, but I can't get her to see that them living in a shed in our back yard or in our garage will not give them the level of supervision and care that they need. 

We are both older.  My job skills are military based and pretty specific to my job here.  I would have a hard time finding anything making what I make anywhere down where they are, and there is no telling if she could find anything.  Plus, if we moved down there and still had to work full time, how would that be much of an improvement?

I guess I am just venting.  I don't know what to do.  On top of that, my mom is here, and while she is older and starting to need more care, she is still pretty much independent.  We have three elementary age kids.

by on Jul. 17, 2017 at 7:49 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Jul. 17, 2017 at 8:18 AM
Sometimes moving someone in that condition, away from their environment can make it worse.
Contact adult protective services in the area.
They can help with some care in the home.
HUGS
STVUstudent
by Sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 9:17 AM

That's what I am telling my wife, that taking them out of their environment will not be the best for them... and there is no way we can provide them with the levelof care they need.  Hopefully, when we visit next month we will be able to help get some services in place.  I don't think they would be willing to move anyway, but I am not willing to uproot our kids, throw away my job and the kids insurance  and therapies and everything else.

Quoting virginiamama71: Sometimes moving someone in that condition, away from their environment can make it worse. Contact adult protective services in the area. They can help with some care in the home. HUGS


chicken13
by Bronze sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this

Contact the local adult services....they will be able to guide you and have ALL the research already done.

TommieToo
by Sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 9:23 AM
2 moms liked this

How about moving them into an Assisted Living facility.  From your description, it seems no one in the family is able to give them the attention they need at this time in their lives.

my4kids274
by Bronze sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 9:30 AM
1 mom liked this

When my MIL got to the point of not being able to properly care for herself my husband and his brothers decided that she would be better off in a nursing home. 

My husband at first was really pushing to get her to move down to Maryland with us and to move in with us.  I was against it and gave my reason's why.  We had 4 children living at home at that time.  One of them being a toddler.  Her care would fall fully on me because my husband works very long hours.  I could go on and on. 

After going back and forth between us I finally told him to take me and we would talk with the doctors about what would be best for her.  Her doctor immediately told my husband that she needed to be in a facility that could medically care for her properly.  The whole idea of her living with us was a situtation that he could not and would not reccommend.  After that my husband stopped pushing the idea and she went to a nursing home.  She honestly was much happier and much more stable. 

I myself know what I can handle and I could not have handled it.  My point being that talk with her doctor to see what the next best option is. 

I will keep you in my prayers.  I wish you the best. 

STVUstudent
by Sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 10:46 AM

Thanks.  MIL has been in and out of hospitals and rehab centers for the last year or so, and has been near death (to the point where they called in hospice) once.  She was doing very well at the rehab center, but once her time there ran out and they discharged her, she went right back down again and she wound up back in the hospital.  They both need care, and their combined income is about $3000 a month... Right now, we are just trying to find whatever options we can.

I know that we would not be able to give them the level of care they need and still work and take care of our own kids, nor could we afford to drop down to one income right now.  My wife knows this in her head but her heart won't let her hear it.  We are looking into FMLA right now, which would help some, I think, in getting her extra time off without risking her job.

Quoting my4kids274:

When my MIL got to the point of not being able to properly care for herself my husband and his brothers decided that she would be better off in a nursing home. 

My husband at first was really pushing to get her to move down to Maryland with us and to move in with us.  I was against it and gave my reason's why.  We had 4 children living at home at that time.  One of them being a toddler.  Her care would fall fully on me because my husband works very long hours.  I could go on and on. 

After going back and forth between us I finally told him to take me and we would talk with the doctors about what would be best for her.  Her doctor immediately told my husband that she needed to be in a facility that could medically care for her properly.  The whole idea of her living with us was a situtation that he could not and would not reccommend.  After that my husband stopped pushing the idea and she went to a nursing home.  She honestly was much happier and much more stable. 

I myself know what I can handle and I could not have handled it.  My point being that talk with her doctor to see what the next best option is. 

I will keep you in my prayers.  I wish you the best. 


AndrewsMomPDX
by Christine on Jul. 17, 2017 at 11:04 AM
2 moms liked this
It sounds like they need to be in a facility or have a paid companion in their home. I hope you can call a facility and ask a social worker or their doctors and get the ball rolling. I can only imagine how worrisome this is for you and your wife. Keep us updated about what you find out.
Manth
by Manth on Jul. 17, 2017 at 11:16 AM
1 mom liked this

Elder care is so necessary.  Sometimes you DO have to start looking at paid carers or institutional care, families can't safely do it all. This was the situation we had with FIL - while MIL wanted him at home, the reality was that he couldn't be safely cared for at home with his medical issues.  It sounds like this is the situation with your wife's parents. 

STVUstudent
by Sister on Jul. 17, 2017 at 12:01 PM
1 mom liked this

yes, exactly.  Right now, the primary caregivers are MIL's elderly brother and one of FIL's daughters.  They both went downhill so quickly, after years of neglecting their health.  they need a home.

Quoting Manth:

Elder care is so necessary.  Sometimes you DO have to start looking at paid carers or institutional care, families can't safely do it all. This was the situation we had with FIL - while MIL wanted him at home, the reality was that he couldn't be safely cared for at home with his medical issues.  It sounds like this is the situation with your wife's parents. 


RaeMarie
by RaeMarie on Jul. 17, 2017 at 12:46 PM

I feel for ya. We moved in with my dad 3 yrs ago because he was slowly becoming unable to care for himself and he is a very brittle diabetic. Now he is full time in a wheel chair and unable to to most everything. Fortunately he receives a pretty large check from the VA every month in addition to social security and 2 pensions. Because of that we can afford for me not to work and just be a SAHM and caregiver. My husband is making better money now since we moved as well. We have a pg 16 yr old, a 9 (type 1 diabetic), and an 8. Soon we will have the baby to care for too. 

Have you looked into getting paid by ssi to be their caregiver? We will be doing that down the road but we have some other things working, like me getting paid from the VA for it. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)