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Elderly parents who need care- UPDATE

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So I thought we had come up with a good solution.  BIL and his wife have a 3 bedroom house that is clean, safe, and in a decent neighborhood.  BIL works part time, so he is nearly always home.  Also, neither he nor his wife make a whole lot of money, so they could use some extra.  MIL and FIL could move in with them (no children, and no plans for children), MIL and FIL could pay them rent and someone would be with them most of the time.  MIL and FIL's extra money could pay for a caretaker to come by to help and for a housekeeper to come in once a week or so to help take the load off SIL.  MIL's brother could still help out with getting them to doctor appointments and that, until a more permanent solution could be found.  Sounds good?

Well, no.  FIL does not want to live with his SS- he "annoys" him.  So they have blanket ruled out the only people who have availability.  I am beyond frustrated.  You have nothing, you can't take care of yourself, but you are going to say, "no, not him"?  FIL doesn't seem to understand that his daughter wants to go home to see her husband once in awhile.

This is kinda long, sorry.  My in-laws are in Florida, we are in Virginia.  They are at the point where they need round the clock care.  FIL is early althzeimers, both are diabetic, and they can't take care of themselves.  They can't/shouldn't prepare their own meals, both have mobility issues, MIL has severe diverticulitis and is incontinent as a result.  Neither can completely take care of their own hygene and teh other day when FIL tried to do his own medicine he ended up in the ER from an insulin overdose.

Where they live, they have most of their extended family- really, all except us.  One of MIL's brothers lives about 1-1/2 hours way but he has been staying with them most of the time taking care of them.  His health is declining.  FIL's oldest daughter has come from Texas to help them, her husband is a transient pipeline worker.  FIL's other daughter lives locally to them, but she steals from them, tries to manipulate her dad into paying her bills or giving her money, so they don't want her around.  One of MIL's other brothers, the youngest, cares for their other brother, a mentally and physically  handicaped man in his 60s.     Finally, BIL, my wife's brother, lives locally, works part time, but has to be bullied into helping with his mom at all or even sitting with her.  He has been trained as a CNA, so he knows how to do some basic things. 

The family that is there that is helping (older brother, oldest daughter), are exhausted and so busy with everyday  care that they have been unable to do any real research into any services they may be elligible for to assist in their care.

My wife and I are looking at what we can do.  She has decided that we either need to move there, or move them up here.  All of their doctors are there.  I am pretty sure that they are both on state insurance, so they would have no coverage here.  Neither of us can quit our jobs to be full time caregivers, and they need full time care.  She is talking about a Granny-Pod or converting our detached garage, but I can't get her to see that them living in a shed in our back yard or in our garage will not give them the level of supervision and care that they need. 

We are both older.  My job skills are military based and pretty specific to my job here.  I would have a hard time finding anything making what I make anywhere down where they are, and there is no telling if she could find anything.  Plus, if we moved down there and still had to work full time, how would that be much of an improvement?

I guess I am just venting.  I don't know what to do.  On top of that, my mom is here, and while she is older and starting to need more care, she is still pretty much independent.  We have three elementary age kids.

by on Jul. 17, 2017 at 7:49 AM
Replies (41-41):
by Sister on Jul. 21, 2017 at 10:15 AM
My mom & stepdad moved five hours away when they retired, knowing that when they get to the point that they need help, they would need to come back here. I absolutely love the granny pods I have seen videos of & would buy one in a heartbeat. My parents will always want their independence so I think it's a great solution, combined with visiting nurses type services. As far as insurance, if they qualify for state insurance where they are, I would think they should qualify in your state.
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