Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Sweet as sugar & mean as a vicious lion

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:07 PM
  • 7 Replies
  • 1559 Total Views

My son is an Aspie. He turned 16 yesterday. He has absolutely every opportunity to help himself - two supportive parents who encourage & help him with school work, he sees a therapist weekly, he has a tutor for his weakest subject (geometry), he goes to social skills group weekly, he has an older brother who tries to encourage him, he has a loving extended family, and he has our support for his passion (VEX Robotics). We drive him and school teammates to competitions hours away. Yet, he still seems so angry most of the time.

This is his first year in public school and it is a large high school. We've been proactive in making sure hew has appropriate accommodations etc... This past first semester he did okay until exams and then failed 3 out of 7. We found out he wasn't doing the review packets, turning in assignments,etc...In order to make sure he has a more successful semester, we all decided that we, as his parents, will stay on top of assignments and check them daily. He agreed to this when he was upset over first semester grades. Now he gets angry when we ask to see his work. He curses at us, threatens us, etc... It makes me want to just give up! He just increased his dosage of Wellbutrin in hopes of making him more mellow. Either he didn't take his meds like he said he did or it's not working!

Yesterday he turned 16. We drove 2 hours to take him and a friend to join his school for a robotics competition which lasts all day. Today we had said he could get his phone upgraded. My husband was dressed ready to go to the mall and asked my son to show him his homework before they left. My son went nuts and refused. We said okay, no mall. after an hour or so he says, "okay, I'll show you." His Spanish packet was only partially done. Of course, the teacher doesn't have her assignments posted so we don't know if he is telling the truth that she said they only had to do the first 3 pages or not. We suggested he complete the entire packet - why not, it is probably due tomorrow and what's wrong wiht getting ahead if it's not? He did complete the whole packet but is pouting and refuses to come out of his room. We say "we love you and aren't giving up." He yells back, "I hate you."

 He says things to me like "I wish you were dead."   "I'm going to kill you." I've talked to his therapist psychiatrist about these awful comments. They aren't overly concerned. It's killing my husband and me. The stress is almost intolerable. How can we get him to be more positive and see the opportunities he has? Is this typical teen behavior? (My older son wasn't like this.) Is it the Asperger's? Or is he just a negative and mean person?

by on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:07 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-7):
SamMom912
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 2:27 PM
1 mom liked this

First, HUGS mom.. I can only imagine. My guy is 6.. but I dont think we are sitting that far apart. I too do a lot for my son only to have him not 'appreciate" or "get" the effort.. but again my guy is 6 so I am HOPING he will get it.
You know the lash outs are only words. You know they dont mean anything and of course your son loves you. But, yes, he sounds angry and feeling alone and unsupported. Im not saying you dont support him. Im just saying i think that is how he feels. Teen is tough. He is separating and clinging all at the same time. Aspies are hard. They "feel" their differences. Suffer from alienation and depression.  

Can I suggest that at night (you or hubby)  5-10 minutes when your son is going to bed to just sit with him. Talk about his day. In those moments; when there is no pressure to do homework or anything else... ; just try to connect and reach out. He may surprise you telling you some of his struggles.

Try to tell him stories of when you were his age... fitting in, getting in trouble, separation stuff with your parents. A really helpful book is the Explosive Child. It may help you see another perspective on his lashing out with words.





geesmom1
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 8:09 PM

Thank you, I am going to check Amazon for the book now!

injoynature
by Member on Aug. 9, 2013 at 9:37 AM
1 mom liked this

Yes- it is a combination of both! Yes he is a negative and mean person. So  is mine! I have always said, it is hard to describe ( especially from a mother's point of view) It is like a distempered dog. I think their brains are wired differently. I am a mom of an 18 year old boy, sounds very similar. We just drove 9 hours to enroll him at college only for him to be a complete angry, ungrateful %^&*(.  My husband, other younger son and I are usually tolerant, but this just took us off guard. We agreed to give him $20K a year, a month ago and since then he has decided he is on his own and telling us to shut up, we don't know what we are talking about and why are you here? when he did ask us to attend two months ago? He forgot!  He wants nothing more to do with us, except of course pay for his college, car, gas and phone. He has been exemplary in school, (except for getting kicked out of many classes for arguing with his teachers) He is in the honors dorm. Our feelings are hurt and I wonder why. We know he was born differently. It is very stressful. I want him to sign a promissory note if he is going to be so black and white. We have accepted his concrete thinking and no amount of counseling has helped him. He even went to five church camps this summer. HOW  in the world do these kids survive without a conscience? Why did GOD create these kids? I do think there will be a cure some day. The brain is so complex, but Dear God there has to be a scientist to figure out how to turn off the part of the brain that controls this anger, meanness and pessimism.

injoynature
by Member on Aug. 9, 2013 at 9:45 AM
1 mom liked this

Read the book, Sat with him every night.. tears are flowing right now btw.

He is 18 and is an ungrateful, unfeeling, thinks he's want to do it all on his own, hateful kid.

Unappreciative of all the support, the endless meetings with teachers, admin to make sure he stayed in the classroom. He did not get into this college by himself. We also spent countless hours with applications, fees, driving him all over the country looking for the best school.

We are on our way home after we were greeted with anger, resentment and disgust. If this his anxiety? I don't think so.I think it is ours. We know we need to let him go, but in his words. He NEVER needs us again, except for our money of course.

Life doesn't work that way. Should it? How do you unconditionally love, when it isn't wanted?

 

YCATSB
by New Member on Dec. 24, 2013 at 6:57 PM

Wow. I just joined this group and this is the first post I have read. Its like BAM ! lol  My six year old  Aspie son is EXACTLY like this !!!!!  I am so sorry that we all have to go through this but I am so glad I am not the only one ! My 6 year old says he hates me,  says he wants to kill me,  says he hopes I die .... and then at other times he says he loves me up to God and back.  He can be the sweetest kid and some of the things he does are amazing.  But when he's angry ... he's horrible.  I have thought he is just a mean person but maybe he isn't ... maybe it IS the autism. I am a single Mom and I am scared to death he is going to beat me up or kill me when he becomes a teenager.  I spend lots of time with him. When I'm not at work, I'm with him. I don't go out anymore. I haven't gone out  for a night on the town since he was born.  He stays with my parents when I'm at work and they love him and are very supportive.  He loves school.  He is fine as long as everything is centered on him.  I love him very much but sometimes I yearn for those carefree childless days :(

SamMom912
by Bronze Member on Dec. 25, 2013 at 9:43 AM

I hope you look at your sons comments, behavior as the simple frustration and stress that it is... I call it "leaking" and he is soo frustrated, so hurt, angry, and sad that it "leaks" out of him. 

I think typically the teens (in the above scenarios) are pushing away because they dont know how to separate.. They know they are supposed to (when gojng away to college.. Everyone else i/) but better to reject someone, then to acknowledge that they are fearful and anxious about this overwhelming challenge.... :( 

Why is he angry? Most likely cause he is doing his best, but feeling like no one thinks that? My Dr one time described my son as a battery... Or Ive also heard it described as money...

in the begining of the day, battery (or wallet) isnt always charged, sometimes the day before has taxed us so that the battery is only 1/2 charged at starting time.. Then add in the demands of school, managing the sensory overload from the SPD (that most of our aspies have) then add in some social deficits, some difficulty managing a frustration of perhaps a fine motor skill, add in some inflexibility, some impulsivity (none of which he has mastered that OTHER kids have... That typically gets him in trouble at school. With teachers, or friends, or parents...) well all THAT taxes the battery.. And when that battery gets low enough.. KABOOM, DONE. 

And how sad must it be that when they cant be flexible on something (in their little black and white minds) or they chose poorly (with impulsive problem solving) and they get introuble, when really, they WERE doing their best... But are still "learning." 

I read once that Aspies are 2-5 years socially and emotionally younger then their chronological age... But Im sure we all have moments (i do) that I forget Sam isnt "7" ... That potentially he could be 4 with a task or challenge.. And its tough to remember as a parent, that they ARE doing their best... 

Who doesnt wish for easier less stressful times.. i hear you... :) but as always, with hard work, comes great reward.. HUG.. 

Quoting YCATSB:

Wow. I just joined this group and this is the first post I have read. Its like BAM ! lol  My six year old  Aspie son is EXACTLY like this !!!!!  I am so sorry that we all have to go through this but I am so glad I am not the only one ! My 6 year old says he hates me,  says he wants to kill me,  says he hopes I die .... and then at other times he says he loves me up to God and back.  He can be the sweetest kid and some of the things he does are amazing.  But when he's angry ... he's horrible.  I have thought he is just a mean person but maybe he isn't ... maybe it IS the autism. I am a single Mom and I am scared to death he is going to beat me up or kill me when he becomes a teenager.  I spend lots of time with him. When I'm not at work, I'm with him. I don't go out anymore. I haven't gone out  for a night on the town since he was born.  He stays with my parents when I'm at work and they love him and are very supportive.  He loves school.  He is fine as long as everything is centered on him.  I love him very much but sometimes I yearn for those carefree childless days :(


dawncs
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 1:20 PM

I remember my high school and college years. It can be a real difficult time for a student to transition from private school to public high school becasuse I have been there myself over time. I can guarantee you that you are not the only one feeling stressed right now, and he feels a lot of it too. He feels like he is being torn being a teen but high school can be pretty much a pressure cooker these days in college and career choices even at freshmen year. You need to remind him that there are many career choices out there including working in the robotics field. Robotics needs college at some level to get a really fun job in that field. I have been lucky to find my passions in life with my career and opportunities. However, it is not always talked about in Special Education enough or with the mild ones.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)