How do you know if.......Advice Please!!!!

[mommak78]

I have been married for 6 years to my DH and I am just wondering, how do you know if you and DH are "in love" or if u are married because u have kids and u are comfortable?

We have no romance, we could go days without touching, let alone kissing, we do not have intimacy at all, we go to bed at different times, and  on most days I think we both don't care if we see each other or not. I have tried for 3 years to talk to him and tell him how I feel, we tried going through the "love Dare" book (made it to day6) he won't go to counseling because he says it is too expensive, seems like always finding reasons to not improve. We were "in love" with each other when we dateed in college, broke up and seems like we just are not there. We got married 6 years ago because I was lonely and settled. now we have 3 kids, debt and no relationship. It is so wrong of me to wish for a better relationship but I just miss being loved and I miss attention from him. He used to do anything for me, sendme cards, write me little notes, show me his affection, tell me how much he loved me. Now, I feel like we are just going through the motions of life. I want to be happy and totally in love, How do you do that if your partner is not there with you?

[iloveashton804]

Awww, i'm so sorry that you're feeling that way! I think that most people would say to try to work it out for the kids. It seems to me that you already have. I think that you deserve to be happy because life is short! You should be happy even if that means leaving and starting over, you and the kids! Sorry i'm not much help! Hope that it gets better!!!

[BelleBrinaMom]

That is a tough one...

I know that there are times (especially in the last two years) where I've felt similar things about the relationship with my husband. (Though not as drastic as what you're dealing with).  Have you tried bringing back the romance or a date night or anything?  That's what we do, though rarely do we seem to actually have the time to, yet it always helps us reconnect and get on the same page again.  I'm not an advocate of divorce, but if you have found that you are continually unhappy, and he's truly not into trying to fix things...maybe he is only in the marriage now because of 'obligation' to the kids and a 'comfortable' life with someone who cooks,cleans and does his laundry.  I pray you find the answers you're looking for.  

[pianoteacher96]

The sixth year is a tough one.  The honeymoon is long over, the kids are very much a focus of your life, finances are a disaster, and worst of all, you've lost sight of what drew you to each other in the first place.

I agree with the post above this one: try a date night.  Get a babysitter, go out together somewhere...it doesn't have to be a fancy place. A stroll in a park; go for a drive in the car.  Try to remember what drew you together to begin with.  I'm willing to bet that it was more than your lonliness and the fact that you were settled.

I'm sure that you both still love each other.  You have to rediscover the love.  It will take time and effort on both parts.

Good luck!

[baezmommy1978]

     I can tell you that a happy marriage requires a lot of work! You both have to be willing to work at it. It sounds as if the #1 thing that it is keeping you from being close is the debt. Have you tried debt counseling or something of that sort? Debt will cause a huge divide in your relationship but it is very normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Don't punish yourselves by not allowing yourselves rewards. I.E. weekend trips away together etc little splurges. Think of it this way you could kill yourselves and your relationship for the next ten years paying that debt and then what reward will you have. If you don't work on the marriage chances are it won't be there that long. My advice is to find a marriage retreat and invest in a weekend away. There is also a website for residents of Oklahoma that offers free workshops and retreats. check it out. http://www.okmarriage.org/

 The #2 thing sounds like the lack of alone time. You have to set aside time to "date" that will kindle your spark. You both have to be willing to want to work on your relationship. Most churches will offer family and marital counseling for free. A happy Marriage is not easy but well worth the effort. Don't take that as a happy marriage being happy all the time either. You are going to have good and bad days and arguements and fighting etc that is normal. Did you try the love dare or did he or both? It sounds like you are the one doing all the work or trying to. It has to be an equal effort. Hope that helps

[Gissias]

First of all, you are not alone. I've been there and i know what you are going thru. A friend of mine told me not long ago that she read an article about surviving marriage after 6 years. For some reason year 6 it's he hardest ; for me the first 2 years were awesome after that came debt and the little problems, after my daughter came, around our 5th anniversary things where really touchy, house, more debt, trying to balance everything, marriage, little one, house, career. After me trying to talk and he refusing... one day I pushed so hard than he said he was tired of me trying to put words on his mouth, he knew we were getting apart, sex was OK but for him wasn't everything he wanted a happy wife, no because I wanted to talk  problems were going away  so he said he loved me and he just knew marriage has up and downs maybe I ( or we women) take everything more deeper. After that little talking and getting things out it helped. It wasn't a big of fight but helped. In my case my husband is the quite one he doesn't like to fight but when he does I have to say he makes me thing, he has always said do not put words in my mouth or do not think for me, he said the magic words HAPPY WIFE....still learning after 10 years. Marriage is a lot of work now he have 3 kids and I have to say after my twins were born we decided that I was going to stay home even thou some days I think about those days I say WOW we are much happier and  better, but we admit once when you have kids you have to have a routine and it's really hard to find time for everyone. My point is marriage is hard, we have to work on it everyday, we go thru phases. Do not give up if you still love him of course. 

As for my relationship, we're being married for 10 years and even thou I missed my work and my kids drive me crazy everyday I love my life i have a husband who cares for me and loves me for who I am, who is an excellent dad and that every day when he gets home my three little mokeys run to see him because they know he is the one who throws them up in the air.... all those little things make  me fall in love all over again and even when we go to bed at different time he still waits for my kiss even if he is asleep and he warms my feet up.

If you love him, and he loves you work hard and let him know. 

Good luck

[sherlimaye]

Sounds so familiar, 

I've been through everything you're going through and more with my DH. I totally understand your frustration, bewilderment and pain. Like I said, I been there and I know. 

You mentioned the Love Dare. Does this mean you're a believer? If so, know that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! You are His child and He loves you and wants NOTHING but THE BEST for you, and in the end, He'll love you like no other. 

You and your DH committed yourselves to each other until death do you part and the only acceptable grounds for divorce is adultery or other behavior that puts your life in danger such as domestic abuse. This being said, My DH and I have been together for 13 years and married for 5. I wasn't in love with my DH when we were married but we too had children, plus I was trying to redeem my relationship with God. So I CHOSE, to get married. I was an adult and therefore liable to the consequences of my decision. I may not be IN LOVE with my DH, but I do know that I love him and he loves me so I focus on my personal relationship with God and trust that he knows the desires of my heart and promises to provide ALL my needs. I stand on the promise that He has a Plan and Purpose for my life so If I put all my faith and trust in Him,He will work it out. My God is powerful enough to to exact a miraculous change in my life and relationships. If He could resurrect  His son Jesus Christ from the dead, tell me, what could He do for my relationship or yours?

                                                                                       God bless you, Sheronda

[sherlimaye]

[shymom24]

My husband and I have been married 10 years. We have never been a real touchy feely couple. We dont really kiss or hold hands much. We do hug quite a bit and sex rocks when we do have it.

I think too many times people connect "physical" attraction and "true love" as this huge magical thing.

I would be lost without my husband. He is my best friend on the planet. He pinches every last nerve of mine, but boy I would be lost if he wasnt there. Do I love him? the deepest kinds. We are comfortable with eachother that we dont have to kiss and hold hands and have romance. We are friends.

I think half the reson so many marriage fail is people want what you see in movies. Those people in the movies are not best friends.  They are actors making something out of nothing. I would rather have my best friend than some whirlewind romance to end after the flame dies out.

Hang in there mama. Sounds like you hit the 6 year itch.

could you walk away without feeling any pain? If not your not ready to end things. I would sit down with hubby and ask him if he is happy, what would make him happy and you do the same. Maybe get a notebook and write love notes back and forth. Doesnt have to be long but something. Maybe each have a peice of paper and write all the reasons you love him down and have him do the same. Exhange them and keep them in your purse to look at from time to time. He can keep his in his wallet. Dont get mad if everything you think should be on there isnt. He is a man after all. Little things make a difference. In marriage there are not quick fixes.

[FancyKnots]

I've been married for almost 15 years and I'll tell you all relationships go through what you are describing at times, but this should not be a constant.  If you do not go through stages where you have very affectionate times, then relaxed times (where you are just like good buddies),  then distant times throughout a years then their is a real problem.  You need to talk with him and tell him if he is not willing to work on getting your relationship back on track then it is time to call it quits.  Every time the distant times happen between us I do not let if go on too long.  I tell him how I'm feeling and he usually will open up and we get back on track.  It's not natural to be lovey-dovey all the time, but you need to know that your partner loves you even when you are going through a distant  time in your marriage.

Maybe you two should take a vacation alone without the kids and sort it out.  It may not end up the way you would like, but it's better to know where you stand.

Good luck.  I really feel for you.

[muslimah]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are.

But you really need to figure out if the love, attraction, and enthusiasm is still there or if it is like you said that you are just comfortable and settling.

 Divorce is not always the best option and should be a last resort but you also should not be feeling like you have to settle when there could be much happier life out there for you.