Dealing with a stepdaughter after marriage has broken up.

[livelovelaugh71]

Good Morning all....

This past May I moved out of my house that I has with my husband and moved in with another man. When i moved out i took with me my 3 children and left behind my husbands daughter which is my stepdaughter.

I am now feeling guilty because when i talk to my ex he states that she is taking it really hard and not sure what to do about it. Please not that when we were all living together she didn't care for me or my older boys, she always was getting mad at them, yelling at them, etc.

I feel that she is acting this way because his father has now lost his job, were about to lose his home, and just can't seem to get his act together.

I on the other hand have made advances in my life, my children feel better were we are.

MY question is ..... how would you handle this situation? Do i communicate with the stepdaughter, how do i explain to my ex that i am sorry for what happen but he had over 12 years to change and couldn't/wouldn't do it.

I am all confused about what to think or even do.

Please help me and give me your advice.

[ohmommamia]

Wow...that's a tough one.  I would say unless you are planning to continue to be a part of her life, I wouldn't make contact.  It is much harder on a child to have someone in and out of their lives.  If you want to continue to be a part of her life and plan to continue then it would be fine.  Just really think about waht your plans are long term.  Good luck to you, that is a tough situation to be in.

[DoulaAngie]

Open a line of communicaton with her. Take her to lunch and just see how she is doing. Don't tell her you are feeling guility about the situation. She then might try to use that to her advantage and start  a whole load of other problems. Let her know that she can text anytime. Possibly support her by going to her school functions and sport activitied when you have the time.

[RolandsMom12]

I agree with Doula.  Don't just abandon her.  Obviously, she cares about you.  I have a stepdaughter and she and I have a strained relationship but that doesn't mean that we don't love each other.  As a parent in her life, you owe it to her to at least help give her some closure to the situation and possibly build on a friendship.  Don't bash her dad to her either.  That's just not cool.

[Mommytwo6angels]

You were with ur step daughter while u and hubby were together I understand when you say that she was always getting mad at her brothers and yelling at them but that is just bro sis act. My two older sons forever get mad at my 2 lil ones and try yelling at them and it's part of the growing up. Do I say it's ok no because every time my kids do it they hear my mouth but it does not mean that they love em any less. Keep the comunication with her. She is going to think ok u were my mom while married to dad and now because you split I mean nothing to you. It's not her fault. You went into this knowing he had a daughter so there for she became a part of your life. Just my opinion. Good Luck

[runningwithdogs]

Here is a completely different answer.....what is your comfort level?

I had a similar situation a few years ago, when I divorced my husband. His son and I didn't get along at all, he was physcially and verbally abusive to me and my kids (the son, not the hubby) and no matter what I did, it was going to be a major battle with him. But when I moved out, and started over, SS wanted to move in with me. I said no. Reason being, I was not going to put myself in the position of taking care of an abusive child.  I did sit down with him and tell him that he needs to get his life straightened out and figure out what he wanted to do.  I did not take the time to explain to him why our marriage broke up for two reasons 1. his dad would tell him whatever fairy tale he could 2. no matter what I said he wasn't going to believe me anyway.

I agree with talking with her, but if you are not comfortable with talking to her, then don't.  Not a popular stance, but look at how far you have come, how much your kids have changed and think about the possable damage it may do.

[jjcolleur]

I would say that this is definitely a tough situation.  But you must not abandon the child.  She has been in your life and you in hers for 12 years.  Regardless of how or why your marriage ended, you have shaped part of who she will become.  You may not see it now, but 12 years is a long time to be in someone's life and have an influence.  And for children, it takes no time at all to make an influence.  Her fighting with your children is just the bro sis thing that was mentioned earlier.  Your relationship to her means a lot to her whether she can tell you or not.  And if she meant a lot to you, it would be hard for you to walk away too.  Your ex-husband not being able to change is a whole other bag of goodies that doesn't need to be discussed with her.  When you are with her, you need to talk to her about her and your relationship...and your kids.  If you can't say anything nice about her dad, your ex, don't say anything at all.  You don't want to change her mind about her dad or make her feel different feelings toward her dad.  You should definitely speak up and spend time with her.  You shoudl invite her over to play with your children, her brothers and sisters.  She will need to have a relationship with them.  Beyond the adults relationship, the children have a relationship that we could never comprehend.  They relate to each other on such a different level.  Everyone is giving great advice on here.  Good luck with whatever you decide.

--Juneau