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Please if you have a minute would you read my long post about adoption I could use some input (PIOG)

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:08 PM
  • 8 Replies

I am in need of some advice. My 6yr old DD is adopted she is my Bio-niece (my sisters birth child ) I have had her since she was 6wks old her adoption was final when she was 3. My son was almost 4 when Hailey came to live with us he knows my sister is Hailey's bio mother. I have told Hailey about her adoption and that she did not come out of my belly but my sisters who we still see from time to time that is as much as she knows right now. I do not think she has put it together that coming out of someones belly makes you a mother in other words I do not think she knows my sister is her "Bio"mother even though she does know she came from her belly . Anyway my son who is now 10 told Hailey "Mom does not like you " just typical brother stuff but Hailey started to cry I said of course I love you Hailey you are my DD I said ignore your brother. When I told Hailey she was my DD My son said but she is adopted. UGH IDK what to do I sat my son down and explained that Hailey is just as much my DD as my other DD. My ? is how and when do i start to give Hailey more info. Like her siblings are really her "cousins" or that she has 3 half brothers 2that she met briefly and 1 she has not (the 2 she met she does not know they are her bros) and that her bio father my sister still lives with and Hailey also sees him not knowing who he really is. I do not want to let her down I want to always be as honest as I can with her she is going to be 7 in April. Is there anybody who has any advice ? thank you for reading this. I really could use any input ...

Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:08 PM
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Replies (1-8):
jtchil
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:17 PM

I think you are off to a great start, with her knowing she came out of your sister's belly - I have had a couple of friends in similiar situations, but no personal experience, so take my opinion as that :)

First coming out of her belly in no way makes your sister a mother.  You are her mother and always will be because you are the one who takes care of her, your sister is her aunt and nothing more imo.

Second thing, I have always believed with any tough issues to tell kids the truth, but not until they ask - when she starts asking or talking about it I think that is your signal that she is ready for more info

Hope this helps - I think you are doing a great job

kmstockwell
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:21 PM

This!

Quoting jtchil:

I think you are off to a great start, with her knowing she came out of your sister's belly - I have had a couple of friends in similiar situations, but no personal experience, so take my opinion as that :)

First coming out of her belly in no way makes your sister a mother.  You are her mother and always will be because you are the one who takes care of her, your sister is her aunt and nothing more imo.

Second thing, I have always believed with any tough issues to tell kids the truth, but not until they ask - when she starts asking or talking about it I think that is your signal that she is ready for more info

Hope this helps - I think you are doing a great job


Peregrine
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:30 PM

All she needs to know right now is what a family is.  She needs to understand that you are her mommy and that you love her.  Telling her that you love her just like you do your bio kids will only point out to her that there is a difference.  She's to young to understand anything beyond you are her mommy.  You've already laid the ground work to explain it later on.  What concerns me most is your DS saying "but she's adopted" like that somehow makes her different.  You're borrowing trouble by giving her too much information to early.  Telling her that her brothers and sisters are her biological cousins, again points out she's different.  Why can't she just stay your daughter?  Why does she have to be anyone other that?


wentworth99
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:39 PM

She is my DD and she knows all the other kids as her sibs the fact that she is adopted very rarely comes up as a matter of fact I do not think my younger kids even know. My DS kind of let that comment slip out I NEVER refer to her as anything but my DD she will always be mine. My concern is eventually she will want to know everything .When do I tell her ? how old should she be? If I weight to long will she be angry with me and her dad?

Quoting Peregrine:

All she needs to know right now is what a family is.  She needs to understand that you are her mommy and that you love her.  Telling her that you love her just like you do your bio kids will only point out to her that there is a difference.  She's to young to understand anything beyond you are her mommy.  You've already laid the ground work to explain it later on.  What concerns me most is your DS saying "but she's adopted" like that somehow makes her different.  You're borrowing trouble by giving her too much information to early.  Telling her that her brothers and sisters are her biological cousins, again points out she's different.  Why can't she just stay your daughter?  Why does she have to be anyone other that?


Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




Texan1993
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:54 PM

I think your doing a GREAT job! Just keep reasuring her that you do love her as much as your other kids and be there for her for whenever she has any questions. I think its wonderful that you were able to adopt her instead of her going to a foster home.  

momof2_1972
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 11:00 PM

You're doing a great job. I was adopted and have always known. My mom told me I was born from her heart not from her belly and that made me special. My brother and his wife are in the same type situation you are, raising my sis-n-law's neice as their own. They just answer her questions best they can when they come up (she's 7), otherwise it just family life as usual. My other brother and sis-n-law adopted and it was an open adoption. Their daughter knows her birth family and they are a part of ours, she's only 2 so the questions haven't really started.

Don't lie to her, but give her age appropriate answers.

Hope this helped a little. Good luck, honey.

kmstockwell
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 12:01 PM

Since she already knows she was adopted, she will come up with questions on her own.  Let her ask and be sure you know what she's asking (example.. where did I come from?  that could mean how are babies made or that could mean what hospital was i born at?  haha) and tell her the truth.  Give her lots of love and I don't see how she could ever be mad at you for what you are doing. 

singlemomof2nok
by on Jan. 19, 2010 at 1:06 PM

I would wait for her to ask you questions.  And I wouldn't answer any more that what she is asking, because you might ending up telling her more than she is ready to hear.  




 

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