looking for cafemom friends with friendly advices :)
hi! i'm 32 years old. 4 years married and i have a 3 year old daughter and expecting another baby in 3 weeks. just wanted to check out cafemom and see if i could make online mom friends :) i'm in a (for me) difficult situation right now because my husband is in the hospital due to an infection from his previous surgery. i need advice on how to handle in-laws. this is my first marriage, first real serious family problem. and my husbands brothers and sisters are telling me that i should do this and that. why didn't i do this and why i did that. i'm trying to be stress-free and nervous-free because i don't want my unborn child to feel the real stress and nervousness i'm feeling now. i'm trying to keep cool about the situation my husband is in right now and i think they think that by me keeping my cool means i don't care about a thing going on about their brother. so, they're putting the brunt on me when they should be asking their brother the questions they are asking me. (which i already told them) i'm trying (again the word trying) mybest to keep my cool primarily because of my condition (3 weeks away) and also because i "still" respect them. so i don't know, they keep badgering me with questions and do-this-do-that kind of thing. what do i do with in-laws like them? i am sooo feeling stressed but am fighting it. what do i do to make them stop? i mean, c'mon, i'm 32 years old and my husband is 35 y ears old. i feel like we're being treated like a child. i need someone to talk to.
I would be happy to lend an ear. I have and probably many many people have inlaws that are stressful. Mine are REALLY bad and through the years, (I have been with my husband almost 16 years and he has 3 kids from previous relationships) I have learned that the only way to deal with them is to isolate yourself from them as much as possible. I had to learn this the hard way and it took many times of being hurt and many years to get through my thick skull, but all you can really do is stay away from them. Kids or no kids.
My ex-mother-in-law was the worst for acting the way your in-laws are. From the moment we got married until we divorced she was always trying to tell me how to raise my kids. I finally told her that they were my kids to raise and if I needed any help I would ask. If you ever need somebody to talk to or anything you can always pm me. I have been a member of cafemom for 2 years and it is a great place to make on-line friends.
I encourage you to just say to them that because you love your husband and your children you are trying to take the best care of yourself and your unborn child during this trying time because you know that is what your husband wants you to do. If you fall apart and are all stressed out then who is going to keep your life in order and take care of a baby that is miserable from the stress. Hold strong and maybe try to not talk to them as often if possible.
We just moved when I was 32 weeks pregnant and after I did half the move and all the packing and unpacking and setting up of the apt my MIL sent me an email telling me that she didnt want her son unloading because "He needs his rest" as though moving is my job not his. Needless to say he didnt feel that way but I do understand your point of view.
Hey, i am going to be 32 in the next 2 months, our 4 year marriage (both our first) just passed this weekend, my daughter is 3 and I am expecting our 2nd daughter in about 10 weeks, so feel free to buddy me! As for the in-laws, mine can be quite smothering too but I pretty much tell them this is our family and we come first and whether they like it or not, they now come in second. Remind them that you are pregnant and do not need this added stress and if they would like to contact their brother and offer recommendations, they can feel free and if he chooses to take it then he is a grown man and can do so. Remind them that although you may make suggestions to him, he may not listen.
My husband comes from a very smothering family whereas my family is more of the tough love sort, so it is hard for me to be too nurturing when my husband is a grown man and can make his own decisions and then his family comes along and try to baby him!
shellness : i know i'm not the only one with this kind of situtation with the in-laws. but it's nice to be reminded that you're not alone and that there are other people who have similar situation like mine. i've been keeping my distance since the beginning, but i'll guess the beginning wiil always be hurtful and hard to understand. maybe it'll take me 10 years to get this into my head and master this :)
I'm so sorry. I hope your husband--and you and your little one--are all okay! These questions that they're asking, do they affect THEM in any way, or are they just being busybodies and trying to get involved in your and your husband's lives? It's sometimes difficult to start setting boundaries with people--if you haven't done so before--but once you set the precedent, it gets easier. If my MIL tries to push an issue that I don't agree with, with a smile on my face I'll respond something like, "Thank you for your concern. That's an interesting idea to consider. However, we feel strongly that...."
Earthmom: thank you for your encouragement to hold strong. but being hormonal like this, it's kinda hard to be not emotional. i will try not to talk to them... keyword try :) actutally, i do not want to talk to them after the conversation i had with one of my bro-in-law. i don't want to talk to them ever again! but then again, wouldn't it be unfair for them to not let them know what's happening to their brother? i'm new to the married life. i don't have much really married friends that would have wisdom to help me how to handle this. cafemom seems to alleviate the heaviness i have in my heart right now :)
momaspride: lucky that they're ex-MIL's now. ;) i wish i could be able to tell them to stop bothering me right now bec. i need to focus on my husbands condition first. i'm just so tolerant to these kinds of people bec. i used to work in the front desk of a doctor's office. and i'm trying to keep my cool so i wouldn't put a lot of stress in my pregnancy right now. i will definitely keep my distance far, far away from them
mixedcooke: it sounds like we have the same married situation! 4 years married, 3 year old kid and a little one coming soon... my family is tough love bec. they want me to be strong when i fall. his is a weird one. i wouldn't say they're a smothering one nor tough love, or any love at all! i think they're just being busy-bodies. i spoke to one of my bro-in-law last night (he was the one who called) and i told him, "why don't you visit him right now in the hospital, or call him in his room he has a phone there and tell him what you're telling me right now?" it's like, they're all talk but no walk. i mean, instead of making me a shock absorber of their frustratedness (is that even a word :) ) why don't they just help me out with the situation? have they offered any help? nope! i just wish for this situation to move on....
Here to lend a shoulder. and talk to. You couls just say look we are doing our best. Lay off please. I know you care and all but you know I am prego and stress is not good for my family or our baby.
Any ways thay is what i would say to them or my inlaws. Hope you husband gets better soon. And they lay off some.
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Does DH know you are in cafe mom?
- rina_615
on Mar. 21, 2010 at 11:47 PM