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Our next big step.. or not

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 10:29 PM
  • 8 Replies

I have no biological children, I help raise a step daughter, and have helped to raise my younger four siblings. All of them have lived with me for a short period of time, and my youngest sister wants to move in with me in a year when she is 18. I have always worked with children and told myself that I would be okay about not having a child of my own. I've been with my hubby for going on eight years. I have had a very fullfilling relationship with him, his daughter and my family. But there was a tragedy in the family a few weeks ago, and I'm really bothered that I am chosing to not have a baby. I always thought that it would be selfish for me to have a child when my husband and I don't make a lot of money. I've watched several co-workers with their successful families do just fine and I know they make less than we do. For us, it has ALWAYS been a financial reason to NOT have a baby. We don't think it's fair, blah blah blah. But now I'm thinking that the reasons we think it's unfair is because we have unrealistic expectations. My husband wants to be the young family that travels yearly. He wants all the latest toys, although after eight years we have learned several lessons and are finally in a spot where we make more sound financial decisions. I just don't want to be eighty and regret not having a baby of our own because we couldn't be the cool parents who take them to DIsneyland every year. I never had that and I have nothing but the fondest memories of my childhood! My husbasnd had a hard childhood, so I don't think he knows the inbetween. It took him years to realize he didn't have to be the weekend parent that did all the cool and fun things with his daughter. That they could just have fun hanging out and being together. Ugh.... Is anyone else struggling with this? Or did you? Do you regret the decision to have the baby because of the financial burden. And I don't mean that in a mean way... but some folks just can't afford to have a baby and I think we can... I think we just are having a hard time making that committment. It's so much easier to buy a condo, or a car! Help me out ladies.Thanks!

by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 10:29 PM
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by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 10:34 PM


by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 10:41 PM

It sounds like you're going through a normal mental change.  What worked for you eight years ago isn't working anymore.  And, that's ok. 

My husband doesn't make a lot of money (I'm a sahm), but we make it work.  We've never spent over $40 on any toy for my son, and yet he wants for nothing (although that's probably because he's only 21 months old).  We've never been on a vacation, and we're not bothered by it.  Instead, we find things around here to do as a family like going to a pool or a lake.  Our friends have snowmobiles they let us use in the winter.  We live next to a ski mountain, and my son and husband go snowboarding.

You find ways to make it work for you.  It sounds like it's time to sit down with your husband and discuss your change of heart as far as having children go.  You may be surprised by his reaction, or maybe he feels the same.  But definitely talk.  It's definitely ok to change your mind.

by on Apr. 19, 2010 at 11:01 PM

As far as money is concerned, all children need is nutritious food, suitable clothing and a few simple enjoyments, like books, blocks, and crayons.  They don't need expensive things, just lots of love and nurturing for the body, mind, and spirit.  Having a child is a wonderful thing and you should definitely explore the idea with your husband.

by on Apr. 20, 2010 at 4:07 PM

Yeah, we are talking about it. I think since our kids are so much older, it's also hard to have to start all over... ugh.

by on Apr. 20, 2010 at 4:44 PM

We waited to have our daughter until we were mature enough and had had enough just the two of us time to have a kid before I felt I would be getting too old. But we also wanted to wait till we were more financially successful. We wanted the big house, the vacations, the name brand clothing, the new car, etc. But that hasn't happened. We weren't getting any closer to being well-off. We were still renting and were deeply in debt. However, we knew where there was a will there was a way and we didn't want to wait too long and regret it. So even though my ideal was to have a baby by age 29 and be out of debt and be a high earning 2 income family we decided to go ahead with it. I was 31 (I know, not too long after my goal age) but like I said we were renting and in debt. But with the help of family, buying things from garage sales, resale, thrift stores, clearance sales, regular sales, feecycle, and our city's first time home buyer assistance, we had everything we needed for our daughter plus we bought our first (town)home. My husband is a full-time grad student and doesn't make much money at all while I work full-time. We are still in debt, but working on it. We are planning to take our first family vacation next year "somehow"- I can be creative. As for toys, she gets plenty at daycare AND tons of cool stuff from relatives (like grandma who isn't rolling in dough either) and perfectly cool slightly used things we pick up supplemented by stuff I get great deals on at the store. There will come a time when she wants more than we can reasonably give her...but every kid wants more than they can have. She will not be deprived and we are all happy. I didn't get to go on vacations as a kid, either, or have the cool clothes or expensive toys, but it was okay. You can give your kid the things that you really want to splurge on without splurging on everything. That teaches them to value what they can have and strive to find ways to get what they'd really like. Instead of expecting to have everything and getting greedy and not appreciating what they do have.

Sorry I rambled!

Carrie Zack

Avon Independent Sales Representative

Fundraisers, Single orders, Online or in-home parties

by on Jun. 25, 2010 at 9:09 PM

I think we've decided. We are going to travel.  I've raised enough kids, I'm going to spend the rest of my life finishing up with the 12 year old we have and then living life for me and my hubby! Through childcare, my siblings, my step daughter, I have raised hundreds of kids. I wish I was exagerating. I'm going to chose a different path for myself than my grandma did. She lives her life for us, even though besides my sister we are all grown. I'm going to live my life for me! I'm excited about our choice... this way I can be the best auntie ever and spoil my siblings kids rotton, and hand them back! Yeah! I'm still going to be a mom to my 12 year old step daughter, and mom-like to my siblings... I've done my duty and I'm happy with what I've accomplished and can't wait to see what comes next!

by on Jun. 25, 2010 at 9:55 PM

Good for you!!! You thought about your options, weighed all your choices, and with your husband made a decision that both of you are happy with. There may come a time when you do regret not having a baby but it sounds like your life is so full of love and family that I doubt you will miss much. Good luck to you and your family!

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 2:15 AM

it seems to me that you would be a wonderful mother...having a loving home is way more important than how many trips you can take or what kind of cool things your parents can afford...hope you and hubby can work things out and have a little blessing of your own...hugs!

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