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Advice about a friend

Posted by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:47 PM
  • 3 Replies

First, let me go ahead ane tell you thank you for any and all advice.

I have two really good friends- A and S.  A and myself are 30 years old and have know each other since we were in the 6th grade.  We weren't really good friends until high school, but we were friends.  We met S when we were in the 9th grade and S was in the 11th.  Fast forward a few years now...

Like I said, I'm 30 years old, been married for almost 12 years and I have a wonderful 2 year old son.  My bestie- S- is 31, has been married 6 years and also has a 2 year old.  We are both SAHM.  Our friend A, decided to go to college after high school and got a 4 year degree in History...after almost 10 years!  She did work part time for some of that time but not all.

Currently, she's not working and not going to school.  She lives in a house that her mother pays everything for, raising about 10 cats that gives her an excuse not to go do anything (who will take care of the cats?).  No boyfriend (has never had one).

I've been complaining to the bestie about A for some time now.  A and me live in the same town.  S is out of state, but coming back in August.  Anyhow, today I got an email from A seeking my advice.  She's got a line on a job that she really doesn't want, but it is a job and it is money.  So she's wondering if she should take the job or go back to school?  School for a nursing degree. 

My first thought is "Really?  You're asking me?" and then it's "Why not do both?"  But then I remember that I know A.  She doesn't do well under stress and she's never had too.  S just says that A is just being A...I say that we've held her hand for way too long.  I mean, she's 30 years old living in a house paid for by her mother....did I mention that her mom doesn't live there?  She lives with her boyfriend. 

I love A...I really do, but I'm just at a point where I don't think I'm getting much out of this relationship.  I know once S comes back to town, I'll see A more, because S doesn't give her much of a choice "A, be there in ten minutes be ready or I'm gonna beat on your door till you open it".  I'm not let that.  I feel we are adults and should be able to meet up somewhere for dinner or shopping or whatever, but it doesn't work that way cause she never has money.  And when she was working about a 1.5 year ago (part time- that's 4 hours a day people!)...she was always "too tired" to do anything.

I have cut her out of my life almost completely.  I don't call her.  I don't invite her over.  We chat via Facebook, and sometimes she calls me.  I have stopped inviting her over to my house to dinner, or tring yo meet up with her for dinner.

Am I wrong for wanting to back out of this friendship?  Or for wanting to write her back sayig just what I think...I think you are 30 years old.  There is no reason why your can't have a job and go to school at the same time.  Millions of people do it everyday.  Hundreds of single moms do it!  At least you don't have a kid in the mix.

I'm tired of sugarcoating everything for her.  She spends so much time preparing for a great life that she can't see that life is passing her by.

Thanks for any advice or words of encouragment.

by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:47 PM
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Replies (1-3):
M4LG5
by on May. 24, 2010 at 3:54 PM

My first question is why were you friends with her in the first place? 

Here is my take, there are some people that are not going to live a life that others agree with BUT through your friendship you receive support, laughter, and anything else that is not tied to her her lifestyle, then why let go?  If she doesn't want to go out....don't judge. 

How she lives her life shouldn't change yours.  I have a sister that has made recent choices that I do not agree with.  Though I don't agree with it, I'm still going to be there for her when she needs me.  I have a friend that I don't think she is making good decisions for herself but I'm not going to do differently for her since she is old enough but i will still be there if she wants to talk. 

teri4lance
by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:01 PM

say what you want. either she'll take it to heart or you'll alientate her. either one is a winner.

owensmom34
by on May. 24, 2010 at 4:01 PM

If you really value this friendship then I would accept her faults and all!  If she is bringing you down in a way that you don't feel good about yourself then I wouldn't put up with this type of relationship. 

I know she is living with her mom, but it is a tough economy and maybe something more is going on with her.  If she has depression or some other illness it could be causing her to not move forward.

I don't really know the situation so good luck!  I hope you make the decision that is best for you!

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