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Overcoming the harm our mothers did....even if it was small!

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 7:13 PM
  • 18 Replies

OK, as I am getting older I am realizing some things about my upbringing and how it is impacting the relationship with my daughter who is 7.     I am by nature a cuddler....but I was told not to wallow my older sister.    I was 10 at the time when told this and  I was what I thought was cuddling. she told me it was unladylike.   Is it really that wrong to cuddle your children, I don't remember being cuddled past 6 or 7.     My mother never rode a bike with me, never colored with me....my older sis did these things.  She only did the bike thing may be a handful of times....she was 14 yrs older than me.  She even played Lego's with me.  I just only remember a very few times my mother actually played something with me....is this the norm?  I was laying on the couch a few times with my daughter between my legs and the back of her head was on my stomach, and in the back of my mind I was wondering if it was OK.  I remember many times laying on my side on she was perched on my hip while watching TV.    I will admit, cuddling my son is easier because he's 2 and I nursed him and still do, I didn't get to nurse my daughter because of a lack of support and the stupidity of the hospital staff and my ob gyn.     Anyway, I need help and advice about this and has anyone else gone through anything similar?

by on May. 26, 2010 at 7:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gabbyem22
by on May. 26, 2010 at 7:16 PM

I don't see an issue with it.  I hope that my daughter enjoys cuddling at that age.  I have a hard time playing with her...my attention span isn't that long.  When we do water colors it normally turns into a tickle fest and us roughhousing on the floor.  I do actively play with her at the park and go down the slide with her.  I do play ALOT more than my mom did with me, but I feel bad that my mind wanders...

mrswillie
by on May. 26, 2010 at 7:19 PM

My parents never hugged or kissed me.  In fact they physically & mentally abused me.  Because of this, I make sure I kiss my kids good night.  I make sure I hug they regularly.  My 14 yo son & I will lay in my bed and watch a movie. We do puzzles together as a family.  My older son, 21, and I always say "I love you " when getting off the phone or leaving each other.  my parents have impacted me but I make sure they don't impact my children. I try to give them everything I missed.

mamaxs4
by on May. 26, 2010 at 8:04 PM

I have had a hard time with the whole "that's not ladylike" thing that goes around in my head and figuring out what is appropriate. I guess in some ways it's hard for her because she grew up being molested by her father. She said that she was never going to abuse her children in anyway and went a little overboard with what is appropriate behavior with children i guess.   But my question is, how do I get that nonsense out of my head that she ingrained in me??

jennshart
by on May. 26, 2010 at 8:11 PM

There's nothing wrong with that.  I have thought about this issue alot recently.  I don't remember my mom or dad ever cuddling me or showing much affection at all, especially in public. I'm pretty sure it was generational.  Whereas, I'm always hugging and kissing my kids and I think they are better because of it!

steelcrazy
by on May. 26, 2010 at 10:18 PM

The only way that I can think of to get it out of your head is to talk to a therapist.

I grew up in a very loving, hugging, kissing house.  I still hug and kiss both of my parents every time we come and go.  We kiss hello and goodbye. lol  It is just common for us.  I still hug and kiss both of my boys all of the time too and we cuddle all of the time, they are 9 and 6.  I think that kids need physical contact to help them feel loved and safe and secure.

MythicMMM
by on May. 26, 2010 at 10:25 PM

I understand this. My mom never hugged us often unless it involved something bad that happened. I try to hug, kiss and cuddle my kids every opportunity I get, just because.

Tricia76
by on May. 26, 2010 at 11:07 PM

 Well I never heard my parents say I love you to each other or show affection so I have a hard time with it with my hubby..he thinks at times I don't love him but I never heard it from my parents..so I don't know if thats why I am like that.

Javagirl1118
by on May. 27, 2010 at 9:35 AM

This is a perfect example of what we learn as children by what we see growing up. We as parents are our children's greatest teachers, but not only by what we say, but more so by what we DO.

My parents were somewhat affectionate, but my mother struggled hard with socila anxiety and depression, so alot of my childhood was spent doing the things that she could not do. When I became a parent and noticed myself exhibiting some of the same behaviors my mother did, I made a concious decision to seek help so I would not be a present yet absent mother to my children as my own mother was to me. I hug and kiss and tell my kids I love them so often that my 6 YO DS answers me with " I KNOW!" every time I say it!

 

Quoting Tricia76:

 Well I never heard my parents say I love you to each other or show affection so I have a hard time with it with my hubby..he thinks at times I don't love him but I never heard it from my parents..so I don't know if thats why I am like that.


I am a cancer survivor, an Autism mommy, a single mom, a writer, and a proud mother of a pageant princess!


I am ~LYSSA~!

singlemomof2nok
by on May. 27, 2010 at 9:52 AM

BUMP!

jeweldog
by on May. 27, 2010 at 10:39 AM

My parents were very affectionate but not in any way inappropriate.  I remember when it was raining one afternoon on a weekend and we were bored, my dad told us to get into the care and the whole family went to the toy store and got coloring books and crayons and than we colored all afternoon together.  Sure my parents made mistakes (but they are human) but they were excellent parents.  I've very thankful and I tell my son I love him at least 10 times a day and cuddle anytime I can or when he wants one... I don't believe you can spoil a child with love.

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