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Guilty Conscience - UPDATE

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 9:24 AM
  • 10 Replies

First, thank you all for your input, I really appreciate all of the comments and well wishes from yesterday in a difficult situation.

I did sit hubby down last night and told him I saw the email where he redirected his ex-gf to his work email address.  As I expected, he was very defensive and jumped into a rant about this is why he doesn't feel like he can have any friends, because I don't trust him, that he should just delete his whole FB account, etc.  That's pretty typical when he's confronted, he tends to go to the opposite extreme and make me "talk him down" from the ledge.  I didn't bite this time, and explained to him how seeing the email providing his work address instead just added to my unease at the relationship.  He said it didn't matter anyway, because they had one last exchange that "ended it all" as he put it (I did not see this email exchange, so I don't know exactly what that means).  When I asked him WHY he would give her his work email, he said he felt like he needed to "clear the air" with her, that there might be more to say.  I asked WHAT there could possibly be left to say, and he couldn't answer, except a meager attempt to tell me he was going to tell her he couldn't talk to her anymore.  I told him he had already told her that through FB, and he didn't have anything else to offer.

One of the remaining issues is that he believes since they had a falling out and are no longer in contact, that's the end of it.  My problem is that had they NOT had that last exchange, they might still be emailing each other through his work email.  It was not his choice to end the friendship, that happened as a result of something that was said.  The way he left it open to further communication through a separate email address, they could very well still be talking, although he offered to provide me with his password to that email account as well.  The point is, I don't like that I even have to worry about whether I should check his work email, and I won't do it.  I want to trust him, but this has put a serious roadblock on that.

I am very frustrated that he seems to think the end result fixed the problem, when I keep trying to make him realize that HE should have been the one to fix it once and for all by cutting off communication altogether.  He believes it's all the same thing, they're not talking, so he did fix it.  It's so hard to explain.. he didn't make the choice to end it.  It ended as a result of a falling out that happened after he was supposed to have ended it.  I am having a hard time articulating exactly what I am trying to get across.. he didn't end it, he moved the conversation to another venue, and then by CHANCE, something was said that pushed them away from each other.

I don't feel good about any of this.  I don't feel good about peeking in his email when he was away, and I don't feel good about what I saw.  It leaves too many doors open.  He never said the words "I can't talk to you anymore".  He said "I can't talk to you through FB anymore".

This will blow over, we will get through this.  I just don't know how long it will take for me not to have this situation in the back of my mind whenever I need to have 100% trust in him.  I don't know if that's possible right now.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 9:24 AM
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by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 9:34 AM

I know exactly where you are coming rom because the same thing has happened here, and I hate to say that I still check DH's email and the history on the computer when I'm at work and he is home. What I don't understand is why he was trying to hide the fact that he talked to her by trying to communicate though his work email. That alone shows he was trying to be sneaky about it, KWIM? DOesn't he understand that?? My DH does the same thing when confronted as yours does, so it's hard to get anywhere and to try to actualy get to the root of the situation. Good luck to you in finding trust with him again.  Trust is easily lost yet hard to regain.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 9:59 AM

Men don't always think in the emotional the way we women do.  They tend to see it as a black and white, "its done, so there" situation where we see the shades of grey and want them to understand WHY we reacted how we did.   With my hubby, I sat him down after a couple days and said told him I knew he didn't understand why I had been so unhappy about it, but I felt hurt and betrayed by this...  I had been cheated on before and even though I knew that had not been his intent, I didn't want to feel like I had to compete with someone who was 21, thin and blonde.  He did get it after awhile, but it took him thinking about it for a day or two to "get" how it must have felt to me.    I know you feel guilty, but to be fair, he was trying to hide something from you, so don't lose sleep over it.  

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:19 PM

Thanks for the update.  I'm sending you a pm.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:50 PM

 I hope things get better for you guys

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 7:06 PM

SOO frustrated.  I sent a long reply to an email he sent this morning saying that he was so sorry, that he misses me, that he knows he was wrong and doesn't know how he could hurt me.. my reply really laid it out for him - exactly why I was hurt, how the appearance made it seem sneaky, why the work email sent up HUGE distress signals.. not a single reply.  All day.  So I call him after work on the way home, and immediately he goes into defensive mode again.  There was nothing happening.  I'm just a jealous person.  He should never even accept ANY female friends.  On and on.  So basically, I feel like he was just telling me he was sorry because that's what I want to hear.  I don't feel in my heart that he thinks he did anything wrong.  This behavior is apparently acceptable to him.  There is something about her that he can't give up even if it means losing his marriage.  At least that's what it feels like right now.

I honestly have no idea where I'll go from here.  I do know that I have lost a lot of trust in him.  I also know that it hurts as much as if they had actually had an affair.  I found myself MANY times today pulling up her profile, looking through the pictures, and comparing myself to her.  Analyzing the pictures to see if I could catch a glimpse of her being super happy with her husband so that I could put my suspicion to rest.  Trying to talk myself into believing I really am blowing everything out of proportion and I should just let it go.  But my gut feeling keeps pointing me back to that email "keep in touch, just not through FB".

This does not give me much faith in how he will deal with the next crisis.  If we make it to another crisis, I should say.  I'm so angry and hurt I just want to walk out the door as soon as he gets home and stay the night at a hotel to cool down.  Do I really want to stay with someone who thinks this is ok, and who is more concerned with his ex-girlfriend not losing touch than with his wife who feels completely betrayed?

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 7:53 PM

OMG ~ Betrayal is so hard to get over.  After a year, I have finally got my trust back for my husband.  He had an emotional affair with a co-worker.  He asked her to the movies, took her to lunch, even had her watch our two children!  They conversed about things that he should've came to me ~ his wife ~ to about.  Not her.  

Wow.... your husband has a lot of proving to do.  He's defensive because he got caught.  That's something I thank my husband for.  He was straight up and told me what was going on.  Sure, it stung, and it hurt.  But it was nice having it come from the horses mouth than to find out he was being sneaky about it.  


by on Jun. 12, 2010 at 10:00 AM

I'm so sorry. I hope things are going better for you.


I'm experiencing a similar situation right now with my husband. It's so hard.

by on Jun. 15, 2010 at 5:19 PM

I'm so sorry :(  My hubby did the best thing he could, he cut all ties with her and opened each account for random viewing (which I don't want to have to do, but the urge is very hard to fight).. I fully trust that he is telling the truth, but unfortunately, the little seed is always there.. in every lost hour at the grocery store when he doesn't realize how long he's gone, in every cash withdrawal with nothing to show for it, in every window where cell phone doesn't get answered.. it's there.  And it will be there for awhile.  I'm sorry you're also experiencing the same thing.. was it also over a social media site, or was this someone in person?

by on Jun. 19, 2010 at 9:44 AM

I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier, I lost this thread. I'm still trying to figure my way around this site.

It's a customer of his. Several weeks ago, he was sitting there playing with his phone and I asked him what he was doing. He said he was deleting things. I got curious, because he doesn't usually delete. I looked at his phone and then his phone bill, and he'd left about 3 of 8 text messages they'd been sending back & forth. Of course I wondered why he deleted part of them, and started then checking. I looked online and found a picture of her, she didn't look fat, which he had said she was.

Then a couple weeks ago, he was talking about texting people, rattled off a bunch of names, deleted all the texts in his phone. When I looked at the bill, there were a few to other random people, and 13 between them. He never mentioned her name and she was the only one that there were more than 2-3 from.

I've confronted him, he says there is nothing, they're just friends. Since I confronted him, there has been one phone call from him to her, and that's it. He said he hasn't been deleting texts, but the day before I confronted him, I looked in his phone and on his bill, and there was one text sent from him to her (on the bill) that was deleted from the phone. All the other texts were there.

I'm trying to believe him, but I'm just not quite there yet.

Our discussion left me feeling still a little unconfident, because I still feel like he was dishonest with me and leaving things out.

I don't think he's had any sort of physical relationship with her, but I can't stop wondering why he's deleted texts from her, when he doesn't from other customers/friends.


by on Jun. 19, 2010 at 9:44 AM

It really, really sucks.

and I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but when I start "talking" about it, I just can't shut up.


Editing to add:

I asked him why he never texted me when he was bored, or whatever and so now he's started to. But every time I get a text from him, I have a moment when I think, "was he thinking about texting her?"

I want, so badly, to have confidence in him, but it's hard when he has just discounted my feelings so much and told me that basically I'm being silly. I need him to understand that I wasn't crazy for thinking it was a questionable situation, and to honestly explain to me what was going on.

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