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Okay, do I or don't I?

Posted by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 1:20 AM
  • 12 Replies

My SO is totally against me babysitting a friend-of-a-friend's infant son,  She's nineteen and has this rotation of family and friends watching her ten week old son.  He is delightful and I helped my neighbor who was watching him for hours today since she isn't exactly adept with little ones.  I offered to babysit one to two days per week.  But the reason my SO is trying to talk me out of it is that we had a son that was born four days after this little boy and he passed away 19 days later.  He's afraid it will awaken too much pain and that I'm using this baby as some sort of "surrogate".  He also is afraid that I'm just trying to over tax myself since I already have three children plus two additional that virtually live here (well they live here more than they live with their bloodline families) and now I want a sixth to tend to.  I love holding and tending to the baby.  I thought I might be a basket case, but I love it and indulged in the feel of  him falling asleep on my shoulder. What I'm trying to figure out is if I should babysit at least one day per week for about seven or eight hours and what I might expect as consequences.  I'm worried about offending my SO even though he wouldn't be here on that day anyway, but also, am I really trying to reinvent my son through this baby boy since they would have been the same age?  I guess I just would love some advice.... my brain keeps answering itself in a million different ways.  Thank you.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 1:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
usafwife98
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 1:28 AM

I think only you can determine whether or not you are ready.  Your husband can't determine that nor can anybody else.  I am sorry you lost your son.  I can't even begin to imagine the pain that caused. 

I guess you could offer to help but let her know that if it gets to be too much you will have to stop.  Try not to get too attached to the baby and not project your loss onto this baby boy. 

JenBrooks76
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:09 AM

If I were you I would be hesitant to put yourself in that position. It has only been a few months since your loss occurred. Your body is still recovering and I'm sure your hormones are not in balance yet-so while you may feel like you are coping well at the moment, that can shift pretty quickly the other way. 

I would suggest keeping any babysitting to a minimum to start with if you do decide to go for it. Start with one day a week maybe. Honestly though, I would focus on the kids that are already in your care. 

Good luck! 

IMAMOM2-2KIDS
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:15 AM

 Have you told you SO that you just need a "baby fix"? Maybe watching the baby a few days a week will be good for you.

bgdvil
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:47 AM

im very sorry about your son, as a mother who also lost her son he was 7, you know there is no way to replace your child. Since my son was my youngest i dint want to be around little kids, my girlfriend had a baby, she started asking me to watch him, just a hr here and there, it truly help me heal, what i thought i dint want was to bond with a child i felt like a trader to my son, but it really felt good to be needed. You know what is right for you. good luck

fallnangel3
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:49 AM

 

Quoting usafwife98:

I think only you can determine whether or not you are ready.  Your husband can't determine that nor can anybody else.  I am sorry you lost your son.  I can't even begin to imagine the pain that caused. 

I guess you could offer to help but let her know that if it gets to be too much you will have to stop.  Try not to get too attached to the baby and not project your loss onto this baby boy. 

 

LandisLady
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:07 PM

Thank you everyone for your words of advice.  I am studying my emotions and trying to figure out what I need, plus what I am capable of.  I love having the children around (although I'll admit that the nine year old girls are driving me insane with their "diva-hood"... I'm nauseous with all of the pink, frills and the million naked Barbies and one happy Ken doll).  I just loved holding a baby.  I guess I choked a little when I realized that this baby was the same age as Caleb would have been, but only because I was talking about it to my SO when I was opening my mail and opened Caleb's official death certificate.  Otherwise, it was just fun.  I loved that a baby responded to me so happily and that my neighbor was so in awe of how well I could make him happy and put him to sleep.  She was so overwhelmed.  I guess I wouldn't mind a day a week with a baby for seven hours.  I think I'd be just fine.  Plus, my children were overjoyed to see the baby and hold him as well, so perhaps it will help them with their grieving and healing process.  I'm just so thankful that moms here are honest whether it be what I want to hear or what I don't... I get so exhausted with "caterers".  I'm a realist who also has huge emotions.  I love to hear what people truly think even if it hurts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Zaylah
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 7:06 PM

  I think 1 day a week would be okay if it's helping you but is 7 hours going to be too much? You mentioned your ds's reason for not wanting you to babysit , do you think that he can handle it or will it be too much for him, it may awaken the pain in him.

KylesMom409
by Linnette on Jun. 27, 2010 at 9:08 PM

I think it would be good for you to maybe do it once a week but for a shorter period of time than 7 or 8 hours.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son and I can't even begin to imagine the pain and grief you've had to endure.  But I think it would help you in the long run to be around the baby once a week.

keila_mb
by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 9:19 PM

I think that you are very brave and I cannot immagine the pain and emotions you and your family have gone through.  You sound like a really fantastic mother and I think that you probably have a lot to offer your friend's baby and maybe he has a lot to offer you, too. You are the only one who can say weather or not you are ready to be around another baby that age.

I guess the only question is how does your SO feel about having another baby in the house. I know you said he would not be there during the same time the baby was, but still. Maybe he feels a little weirded out by the whole thing. It sounds like he really loves you and cares about how this is going to make you feel, but also that he maybe has apprehensions himself.

mollysmom212
by on Jun. 28, 2010 at 11:53 PM

not sure this will help but my friends almost two year old son that was just born a few days after my little one and passed right before his second birthday (he had cancer) she lived above my aunt where we stayed during a move..i felt terrible each time my son made a noise feeling it must break her heart and was hesitant about having him around her...she said seeing my son and knowing they were so close and friends actually helped her....i think you are being very honest and maybe  you can just give it a try ....tell the babies mom about everything and ask her for the option to  tell her if it becomes too much for you to handle....

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