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My teen daughter doesnt listen,what do i do?

Posted by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:28 AM
  • 10 Replies

My 14 year old daughter Khadijah, doesnt want to ever listen to a word i have to say. I'll ask her to do simple things, but she does not seem to listen.I've tried going to a family therapist with her, but he says "i just have to try to hang out with her". I'm trying so hard, and i really dont know why she doing this.What should I do??

by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Olga-RN
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 2:39 AM

Have you read an article about teen brain in NatGeo magazine? It's fasinating to me. Basically, although size wise teen brains are close to adult, wiring (connections) within the brain takes up to 25 yrs old to mature. It's natures way to ensure survival (more time for information to be taking in and remembered). Teenagers are tough to understand (I have a 13 yr old), hang in there. You are caring and suppotive parent. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

NearSeattleMom
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 3:37 AM

welcome to cafemomWhat's example of how she does not listen?  I find if you make eye contact with a kid, you can make sure they hear.  Give consequences for not doing what you expect.

Good luck!

hollydaze1974
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 6:37 AM
The new Reader's Digest also has an HUGE article on the teenage brain that helps parents get a better grip on what you are dealing with .
SlightlyPerfect
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 8:19 AM
1 mom liked this

I know exactly what article you're talking about. What I found most interesting was that the neuro-linguistic pathways are not developed until around age 25, so communication can be quite difficult until that time.

Teens can seemingly arbitrarily rebel (like social conditioning), but there are always reasons behind their behavior; it's just that these reasons, due to their brain development, are often reasons they can't articulate yet. Why not ask her what's up, OP? It could be that your daughter is trying to get through things, and she can't sort it out because she doesn't have the language yet. You could help her with that identification process.

I know, for me, that it helped to remember that, while parents should validate their children's emotions, they shouldn't allow their children to assume emotions are tools of cognition. They're not... not by a long shot, but teens often use them that way. (In fact, many adults do, too. And our kids learn by modeling us. So that's something else to consider, OP. What have you and your SO been modeling lately in the household? What about other adult family members?)

Self-esteem, responsibility, and rational thought are essential to cultivating communication skills, but what also comes into play is teaching your children how to name emotions. A lot of times, they can't get to rational thought if they're stuck trying to navigate emotions (and their causes) they can't identify.

Quoting Olga-RN:

Have you read an article about teen brain in NatGeo magazine? It's fasinating to me. Basically, although size wise teen brains are close to adult, wiring (connections) within the brain takes up to 25 yrs old to mature. It's natures way to ensure survival (more time for information to be taking in and remembered). Teenagers are tough to understand (I have a 13 yr old), hang in there. You are caring and suppotive parent. Your daughter is lucky to have you.


slightlyperfect

mumsy2three
by Shauna on Nov. 26, 2011 at 8:57 AM


Quoting NearSeattleMom:

welcome to cafemomWhat's example of how she does not listen?  I find if you make eye contact with a kid, you can make sure they hear.  Give consequences for not doing what you expect.

Good luck!

This. If I feel like my kids are hearing me but not listening to what is being said I will have them repeat what I've said back to me.

our3
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:25 AM

She's 14, thats the problem. Teen girls either become a moms best friend or worst enemy. Good luck. Have you asked her what her opinion is or why she does what she does? Keep an open mind, let her speak whats on hers. Then work together to decide consiquences for actions. Good luck,.

etsmom
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:39 AM

I would start taking away privileges. I would tell her that there is a respect issue happening and until she starts showing you respect she can go without her phone or whatever.  It get's under kids skin if they can't talk to their friends whenever they want to.  Another thing that you can do is spend some serious mom daughter time with her.  That one on one bonding time might help her feel connected to you again.  GL!!

Ashiopeia
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 9:45 AM
This isn't a teenage problem. I have kids 4, 7, 8 and they have selective hearing too. I'll be talking and they turn and walk away, while I'm still talking! All kids are in their own world. I've found mine listen best if I talk when we are already doing something together. Which is usually dinner. (helps they have their mouths full and they can't easily talk back :) )
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michele82908
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:22 AM
I have a twelve year old daughter. I've been going through this for over a year. She talks back, screams at me and dh, slams doors, rhrows things, and says she wants to go to "daddys". I'm sick of it too. If u need someone to talk to send me a message. I know exactly what u r going through.
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ps123
by on Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:43 AM

my daughter turned 12 in october and she recently started talking back to me!this is the way i see it:she wants to talk back and not listen to me,i take away her privileges:computer,cellphone,wii,ds.i bought it i own it and she can't hang out with her friends she can sit in her room and watch tv or do her homework and that usually straigtens her out within in a few days but i make her work  to earn it back

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