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How do I tell her I think he is cheating? Update in Red

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:18 PM
  • 77 Replies

Ok so I have known my bff for about 4 years. SHe is a good mom and wife and goes through alot with her h and kids. She has 3 boys and the middle one suffers from obsessive defiant disorder, Her husband does nothing to help. He treats her and the kids like shit. I think he is an asshole to say it nicely.  Well she found a ton of porn on his phone and she has also seen that he was signed up for dating websites. He says that his frind did it to make him mad , if thay is the case why didnt you deleat it. OF say something when you nociticed it. I would be flipping out on my dh if I saw any of that on his phone. The other thing that he is never home. He works but after work he will come home for dinner and leave. He fights with her all the time. I really do think that he is cheating and I told her that in a way but I dont want to hurt her.  She makes excuses just like he does, and when she confronted him about the speed dating she called and said she felt bad for fllipping out.  How do I help her. She really needs to get out. She has the idea that marriage is forever and it should be but when no one is happy and it is effecting the kids on a mental note it is tiem to do something about it. Thanks.

Thanks ladies, That is what I have been doing just biting my tongue and listening.  He is a real Asshole to say the least. They do get out, every weekend. The kids go to their grandparents and they go out.  I only wish I had a babysitter once a month let alone every weekend.  But I guess she flipped out on him on Friday night and he denied it, she called me Saturday and said she felt bad for flipping on him but he has been acting like a good husband for now. I only wish she had the balls to stand up for herself.  Thanks again for the advice ladies.

Thanks again ladies. I just want to add that I do not bring up how I feel about her dh or the situation. I mostly just try to listen. But when I am not saying anything she says go ahead say it , its not like I havent heard it before or tell me what your thinking you will not hurt my feelings.  So I go to the extent of trying to be as nice as possible and not saying what I really want because I dont want to hurt her and I dont want to say anything to cause our friendship to go south. A couple years ago, he put her down so bad and sent her into depression so bad that she missed over a year of my babies life. I will be there for her no matter what.  Today she had to have dental surgary and guess who took her, me. He had to work and would not take the day off to be there for her.  HE IS A DICK

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mommytoKandO
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Did you tell her how you would react if it was your DH's phone?  In my experience when you tell someone you think their spouse is cheating, they get defensive and angry.  She is in denial and I doubt anything you say will get her to leave her husband.  I'm sure it's hard to see someone you care about in this situation.

Jadegirl1819
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 2:39 PM
12 moms liked this

It sounds like she already knows and is in denial.  I don't think you should say anything until she opens up and wants to discuss it with you.  She will need you when it all falls apart.

e-doolittle
by Kelly on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:48 PM

I agree.  Also with what the prior post said about them getting defensive if you say something. 

Quoting Jadegirl1819:

It sounds like she already knows and is in denial.  I don't think you should say anything until she opens up and wants to discuss it with you.  She will need you when it all falls apart.


Chymerra
by Gold Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:49 PM

I agree. 

Quoting Jadegirl1819:

It sounds like she already knows and is in denial.  I don't think you should say anything until she opens up and wants to discuss it with you.  She will need you when it all falls apart.


conniejo75
by Bronze Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 3:52 PM
8 moms liked this
She has to see it herself or she will turn the blame on you.... its always the "messenger" that gets the brunt of the hurt/anger. Just be there when she opens up... do not bad mouth him no matter how much you want to. Just be a friend
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Toomsie
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 4:09 PM

These are classic cheating signs...and oh my word...the celphone porn excuse!? That must be the latest thing because that is WORD for WORD what my friend's husband told her - and she believed him. FFS men are bloody skelm jackals. (Skelm means sly/dishonest).

You tell her again, but be prepared...this might cost you a friendship. But that's ok, because at least you warned her...what she does with it is her choice.

Brandi0309
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 4:21 PM
2 moms liked this

She may already have her own suspicions and hearing from someone else will probably only upset her more. Instead of outright telling her you think he's cheating, try just takling to her and gently tell her you think she and the kids desere better. She may also already know and not want to face it, completley understandable, what woman would want to believe the man they love and count on is going behind her back you know? Just be there for her and when she wants to talk, she will.

WandBmamma
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 5:52 PM
You don't!!!!!! No matte what you will be the bad guy an it will be your fault!!! Just be there whn she needs someont to talk to!!
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MaverickMama
by Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 5:58 PM
Just be there for her. Let her bring it up in convo first. It sounds like what my ex did to me, porn, dating sites, texting all the time to numbers he wouldnt program in his phone... Been there and its something you have to process on your own. Its hard i know cuz now i have to watch my sis go through something similar to.
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DMMcCloskey
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 12:25 AM
2 moms liked this

From the woman who your friend is.... Just be there when it falls apart. You can voice your concern over the treatment and that you love her and the kids and that you will be there for her if she ever needs a place to turn. If you have the ability to be the place for her to go, a safe place be that for her. Never accuse him though. All these ladies are right... You will get blamed because otherwise I was just that stupid woman that I saw other women be and my girlfriend thought I was that woman. I didn't want to know yet, I wasn't ready. I was a forever girl too! She was there for me when it all fell apart. She was blunt during those years when she grew tired of me complaining about the same old thing. She told me she loved me and was here for me but that if I wasn't going to do anything about it she really felt helpless to help me. My husband left me after 12 years of marriage that were horrible. He left me for a girlfriend of mine. I ended up married to her ex-husband 3 years later. You never know where her life will go so just be there for her and the kids.


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