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I need all the advice I can get with this one! Warning, long...

Posted by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:54 AM
  • 17 Replies

I posted this in another of my groups but haven't heard any responses and I just can't get it off my mind:

My daughter is 12 and has her 1st boyfriend. She's very responsible, a straight A student, very level-headed. Just yesterday she told me her boyfriend had told her he "loved" her and she responded by telling him that she really liked him and was glad they are going out but wasn't ready to say anything like that yet, since they are so young and he is her 1st boyfriend. She also told me that his friend told her that he wants to kiss her and wanted my advice. I gave her my opinion, mainly that it is flu season and she shouldn't even be sharing drinks with people, lol!! No but I told her that my first kiss had been at 13 and that while I don't PREFER her to be kissing boys, she will have to think fully about it and make up her own mind about whether, years down the road, she will be happy or regretful that he was her first kiss. Since I'm not with her for at least 9 hours out of the day, she will ultimately do as she sees fit and I can only lead her to be age-appropriate and smart about every decision.

So, naturally, as soon as she'd gone to bed, I logged onto her Facebook account so I could properly investigate the character and intent of this young man, lol. I've met him only once before at school and he seemed polite and well-mannered and to-date, I've only seen him as a smart and respectful kid. But I don't know much about him, other than that he is being raised by his grand-parents, received Principals Honor Roll at school, and apparently, "LOVES" my 12 year old daughter... So, to the point, in perusing his FB page, I see a comment that he made that gave me some concern. A friend of his wrote as a status "Tell your mom Happy Valentines from me" and he responded by saying "Joke's on you, my mom has AIDS." Now this COULD be a funny-haha by a 12 yr old... or he could be serious.

Being that he is raised by his grand-parents and rarely sees his mother, this COULD be the reason. And if his MOTHER does indeed have AIDS, it is possible that she had it during pregnancy and POSSIBLY he may have been exposed to it or even have it himself. Yes, I know about antiretroviral drugs, etc... I am aware you cannot "catch" HIV by kissing, HOWEVER, as a mother, I feel I absolutely must know if this is a potential concern. I am thinking I will need to somehow meet and politely ask his grandparents about this situation. I'm looking for advice on how to approach this conversation in a most sensitive manner, with the goal of getting a truthful, unreserved answer. I may need additional convincing by seeing a negative HIV test.

I know that all this may appear to some as over shooting, seeing as it is in relation to 12 yr olds, but while I have full confidence in my daughter, I am not blind to the things that some kids do and most are pressured into doing or at least curious about. I feel to not address this and know for certain there is no danger, is a risk I am not willing to take. Obviously, right now, there is no opportunity for anything more than a kiss, nor do I feel my daughter is anywhere NEAR any action that would risk transmission of the virus, I still think that she and I should know if it is a factor. Any advice will be much appreciated!!

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:57 AM

   Yikes.. I am not sure what to tell you, but I'll bump this for you. 

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 8:58 AM

I would ask your daughter if she knows why he lives with his grandparents. Just make it seem like natural curiosity. She will open up more if you let her talk and only ask a few questions. good luck.

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 9:02 AM
Oh my! That's a touchy situation. U can approach your daughter with the findings of the FB...the comment. Maybe she would know more. OR, you could venture on a limb and approach his grandparents. I mean this is your child's well being. And since that is her 'boyfriend' you have a sensible right to certain information that could impact your daughter (medical being one). Like you said, to a 12 year old mind, that may have been a joke...but as adults we know AIDS (or HIV or any STD) is of no laughing matter. Either way you go, I wish you the best!
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by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 9:10 AM
I think it's time to meet the parents (or grandparents in your case). They probably won't want him writing those this on Facebook, regardless of truth.
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by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 9:26 AM

I wouldn't make my kid dump an HIV+ boy, but I'd have lots of safe sex talks. In fact, it's never too soon to have a "don't touch bodily fluids" talk. Who knows what the kid who bled on the swingset at the park or sneezed on the lunch table might have?

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 10:24 AM

Ok, so after talking with her this morning, it turns out that his mom is HIV positive and he came to live with his grandparents when he was 3 because of it.  She hasn't asked him if he has it because she said she hadn't figured out how to without seeming rude.  Being that he was 3 when he came to his gp's because of his mom's illness, that's pretty young and lends to the feeling that she could have been positive when pregnant.  I don't plan on making her DUMP this boy, but I will be pursuing a convo with his grandparents to ascertain his status, so that I know what direction to go with regards to my daughter.  We have already had plenty of talks about keeping our bodies safe and protecting against diseases.  I'm just floored that this could be an issue to deal with with her very first boyfriend.  We live in a tiny town, too, not a big city or somewhere that you might THINK this might be more common.

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 1:25 PM
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I'm glad to hear that your daughter is open with you regarding this and that you're open minded enough and remember what it was like at her age to just make sure she's informed about everything and to be safe. I would talk to the grandparents myself so she does not have to approach him about this topic as it's hard enough for an adult to do I couldn't imagine being 12 and having that conversation. I'm sure since he has seen his mom with this illness he knows how serious it is and if he truly "loves" her he would never do anything to hurt her including transmitting it. It would be good to know if he is positive as there's a chance he was not infected through pregnancy and birth. Good luck to you and keep us posted as to what happens.

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 1:50 PM
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i would make it casual, take them out on a "date" offer to pick him up and drop him off. take em to the movies. but say you'd like to meet his grandparents first. then be nice and ask. say the truth, you saw this comment on his fb page and talked to your daughter. that you're glad their grandson was truthful with your daughter but you have to ask.

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 10:07 PM

I think you should ask her (your daughter) what the situation is with his family in order to see if she knows first. He may have already talked about this type of stuff with her  However I definitely do see the point in you meeting his grandparents since they are basically his parents, but I don't think I'd say anything more than asking very politely where is parents are, but that is something I might would want to wait after meeting them more than once.  It really depends on how y'all 'click' so do speak.

by on Feb. 22, 2012 at 10:48 PM

I would ask your daughter if she knows anything about it because if he is posting it on facebook then he probably told her about it as well. This would be a concern for me as well..

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