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Giving advice and not taking it.

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:26 AM
  • 11 Replies

Okay so a friend of mine has been TTC for a few years now. She wasn't tracking her ovulation so I helped her in showing on the calendar that she can count from the day she started her period and all that jazz (I know some of you have done this so no need to explain how to track your O!). After a few months in doing that she was successful and is now pregnant with her first child!

So the last few months I held her hand and walked her though the process of TTC (except the conceive part...) and didn't get a thank you from her at all.

Then she is of course getting symptoms and is freaking out. For example her uterus is stretching and she is of course feeling slight cramping and stretching. I told her it was perfectly normal and not to worry unless the cramping became worse and she was bleeding. When I gave her this advise she just let out a sigh and rolled her eyes. When she did that I felt like and idiot! Then she proceeded to talk to another friend on the phone who has no children and has not been pregnant about what she should do! At this point I just left because if she is trying to take advise from someone that doesn't know what she is talking about vs. the one that has been there before. I have no idea what is going on in her mind.

Am I getting upset for no reason? Or should I blame it on the Prego hormones? Should I confront her on it and possibly upset her?

Any advise would be appreciated.


by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:26 AM
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by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 11:31 AM

 Some people need to hear the same thing from a hundred different people before they will believe it.  I understand you are upset, but I would just brush it off as her being one of those people.  She will eventually realize your advice was good!

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 1:59 PM

This is probably true! I have given her advise before and I ended up being correct. However, she did refer me today as a "know it all" but if she is having a problem of course I will put in my two cents. I am not the only one that is trying to help. I am at this point going to stop giving her advise because of her attitude towards it when I am just trying to help.

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:07 PM
Sounds like she wants a semathitic ear. Also you two sound like close friends. That's something i would do to my sis, lol.
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by Ivy on Apr. 19, 2012 at 2:24 PM
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 If she called you a "know it all" maybe it's time you should take a step back and let her figure some things out on her own.  Let her ask you before you offer advice, maybe?

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:19 PM

It sounds like you have a lot of knowledge and want to share it, which is a good thing. It also sounds like your friend isn't receptive to receiving your wealth of knowledge, which is her perogative. If you would like her to stay your friend, I agree that you need to read her signals and let her come to you before offering any more advice.

Sometimes when we complain, we just want someone to listen and commiserate and agree how awful it is. We don't always want someone to say  "oh, don't worry, it's just because of x, y and z" - even if it really IS because of x, y and z. Anyway, it's awesome that you want to be helpful...but it doesn't sound like that's what your friend wants you to be right now.

by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:39 PM

I agree with this. I sometimes offer my advice too freely. I am just doing it to be helpful. However, my sister has on more then 1 occasion told me to keep it to myself. lol 

It is almost always better to not say anything unless asked.

Quoting Pukalani79:

 If she called you a "know it all" maybe it's time you should take a step back and let her figure some things out on her own.  Let her ask you before you offer advice, maybe?

by on Apr. 19, 2012 at 3:57 PM

Thanks for your advise!

She did yesterday ask what it was on Facebook because she was online reading horror stories and got worried. When she asked what she should do I called her up told her what was going on and asked her that the cramps got more severe with bleeding then to go to the hospital. She was like "oh okay I am okay now" then it felt like she pushed me off the phone.

I do think she is mad at me for some reason. Who knows really. But, if she does ask for advise I will just not offer it. She does have a mother in law whom is a nurse that she can always refer to.

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 12:51 AM

Your title makes me think of my mom. She loves for someone to give her advice but never ever does she take it. She also loves to dole out her opinion! 

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 6:24 AM

First off - you seem upset because she didn't thank you for ttc advice.  Honestly - if you only help people to get're just setting yourself up to be hurt.  You need to let that go - you helped her...she got pregnant....great....end of story.

Next - did she ASK you for advice on the cramping....or was she just (as all pregnant women do) complaining about it?  Did she ASK you what you would do if you were cramping...or if she should see her doctor? 
Lastly - why does it matter if she felt the need to talk to another friend   about the cramping...even though she had talked to you? Why does it matter if the other friend has any children - maybe the other friend has known TONS of pregnant women...maybe she is just a trusted friend....maybe the pregnant friend just needed to complain to someone else.  She's PREGNANT - pregnant women are hormonal (you've been should know that)....they need reassurance - especially if it is their first pregnancy....and they'll get reassurance and comfort from anywhere they can. 

by on Apr. 20, 2012 at 6:32 AM

Two possibilities IMO:
She just wants assurance from different sources
She's finally pregnant and wants to keep all attention on that fact at all times

Either way, don't confront her.  Next time she asks for advice or calls worrying about something, drop by with a nifty pregnancy book and don't stay long.  Give the generic advice of "If you're worried call your OB." or refer her to the book to avoid giving her explanations and then being made to feel stupid.

No matter the motivation, if you feel stupid about it or are getting upset, it's time to take a step back.  Instead of fretting with her, or trying to explain away every pinch and pull she feels, turn it around to something positive.  Take her window shopping, browse baby names, throw around ideas for a baby shower, etc.

I wouldn't confront her AT ALL if you want to keep the friendship.  Give positive attention and back off the "bad" times unless she presents you with something that is a REAL concern.

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