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Feeling down :(

Posted by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:41 PM
  • 12 Replies
Guess I feel like I need to just get it out, I'm so unhappy lately and not because my husband is horrible or anything it's just I feel like my life is being wasted, see I am an at home mom to 4 kids and a step son so 5 well 3 of the 5 go to school all day but the twins (21 months old) are here all day and I have to work full time from home it's a typical 7:30-3:30 job that has me glued to the computer, I hate hate hate that I am responsible for holding down my job and caring for two screaming fighting messy little boys it seems like 90% of responsibility is on me and it's hard as hell. Yes hubby works full time so I understand I have to do it and don't get me wrong he's wonderful cause as soon as he gets home he kicks into gear and takes over. Here my thing I'm unhappy cause I never leave the house cause of work and the twins it impossible to get out because of it all and I have 0 friends left due to having so many kids and no time, my family doesn't help us at all I'd love to have a sitter and get out but I can't and hubby trys to let me get out but gets all butt hurt and give me crap for needing to get out. I'm 31 and stuck inside these same walls all day everyday and never a break from kids it's so overwhelming that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sorry I needed to vent thanks for listening
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by on May. 3, 2012 at 12:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chinosruca
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this
Why would he get all butt hurt and give you crap for needing to get out? He's a jackass. Trying to guilt you into staying home is a form of emotional abuse. My husband would never try to stop me. I RARELY do go out, bit the few times I have he GLADLY offers to watch the kids so I can spend time with friends.
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Azzura
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:33 PM
Wow, I'm 31 too and I never leave the house either. I only have 3 kids though. But I live overseas, military spouse, can't use my degree in a foreign country so I am a SAHM and we only have one car anyway which dh takes to work. So I'm stuck in a small village in Germany with a three year old and a 10 month old and it rains all the time here so we rarely get outside. We can't converse with neighbors much bc we don't speak the language so I understand the isolation. I also have no friends and all our family is on the other side of the world. We also don't have tv just DVDs and videos. It's been almost a year I've lived like this. I am an RN and used to work full time in he states and take care of kids when I got home so I understand how hard you work. I always wanted to be a SAHM when my kids were little so I'm not complaining but my particular situation is very isolating. All my free time goes to cleaning or cooking pretty much, and all the days seem the same. If you ever need somebody to talk to I'm always awake in the middle of the night bc we are 6-8 hours ahead of the USA. I hope you feel some relief soon!
KatUvaggio
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this

Get it out anywhere you need to.  Keep writing.  It'll help keep you sane.  You're wrestling with what I call The Beast:  depression.  I've been a stay-at-home with my daughter for almost four years--not because I necessarily wanted to be, but because I had to financially.  Family is on the other side of the country and we have very little in the way of friends/sitters.  Your post could be a carbon copy of my journals.  (And I'm not even caring for twins!!!)  Being overworked, underpaid, and isolated, with not nearly enough (adult) interaction during the day even to make you feel like you're alive, let alone worth something--that's the recipe for The Beast.  Medication and talk therapy aren't options for me (I'm allergic to SSRIs, and how is it possible to get talk therapy when I can't even get out of the house????), so I have to find the energy to help myself. 

So here's the list: 

1) Write journals.  Even a page a day helps tremendously.  More than three pages turns into navel-gazing.  I give myself the freedom to make errors in spelling, grammar, etc.  Otherwise it just turns into another way to criticize myself.

2)  GET OUTSIDE.  Even for five minutes.  Watch the clouds.  Find a flower to look at.  Study an ant as it makes its laborious way along a hot sidewalk. _Anything_ that takes me outside the box of my own head (and house) helps.

3) Self-care.  And I don't mean over-eating or indulging in alcohol (though I still fight the food beast).  I find a way to get a shower, or take a bubble bath, or do something calming for myself that gives me time alone.  I even encourage my husband to find interests by himself outside the house after my daughter is in bed just so I can have the house to myself, even if it's only for an hour.  I still haven't found a way to hammer out meditation time (if I ever find a way, I'll let you know), but meditation is often just a fancy word for giving myself the gift of quiet alone-time.

4) Try something different.  You need a reminder that there's something outside the unfortunately tight spot you're in.  Everything in my life has to be free or very low-cost (since the margin of error in our monthly budget is less than $100), but I checked out my community mini-newspaper and found a surprising amount of stuff that, given even a tiny bit of help from my husband, I can try out.  I built my own rain barrel at a county extension workshop last year, and started a square foot garden.  Just ate my first bowl of this season's strawberries yesterday.  The berries themselves were awesome sprinkled with a little vanilla sugar, but even better was knowing that they were mine.  I did that.  They're beautiful to look at, smell, and taste.  And that feeds me in more ways than food.

5) MOVE.  The combination of stress and sitting at a desk can kill me, quite literally (I'm prone to anaphylaxis).  So I do jumping jacks.  I sprint the stairs in my house.  I stick my kid in her Radio Flyer wagon and drag her around for a ten minute walk.  I even turn up a favorite song and dance like a maniac.  I know the last thing I want to do after chasing my daughter through the house (and wrangle the laundry, the cooking, etc.) is move more, but there's a huge difference between moving for work and moving for my body.  I move because I can, because it feels good, because it makes my body feel like I treasure it.  And when my body's happy, I'm happy.  I recently managed to scrape together enough cash to join a mommy-and-me tae kwon do class, and I can't begin to describe how much better I feel about my life now that I can split a one-inch board in half with just a kick.  :-)  (And talk about stress relief!!!!)

6) And when it comes to the husband...  My husband gets snappish and gives me crap for needing to get out, too.  It's because he feels just as locked-up as I do.  Even if our work loads are utterly unbalanced right now, I can't let the resentment eat me alive--it'll take my marriage with it.  So when I make myself a priority--when I find ways to make myself feel better--he starts feeling better, too.  (Encouraging him to get the heck out of the house helps him mightily, too.  Even video game playing with a friend of his one night a week made a tremendous difference in his attitude.)

So, long post short, you're not alone.  You're not crazy.  You'd have to be crazy NOT to feel the way you do!  Humans are social animals, and being isolated is a sure way to drive us insane.  And care-taking of any kind--whether for a dying parent or a thriving kid--is exhausting in ways that very few people ever understand.  Find a place that you can vent at volume, at length, to get The Beast back under control.  And then, probably more importantly, find even the tiniest ways to bring joy back into your life. You have to save yourself--in doing so, you'll save your family.

rhymia
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:42 PM

I am so sorry. What do you do from home? Can you clear your AM's to do things with the kiddos? Maybe after your SO gets home you can take a laptop (if you have one) to the library to get the rest of your work done? I'm a day care provider and several of my clients tried to do work from home arrangments so they could be with their kids, only to realize they couldn't get anything done. Hope you can work something out!

myfirstborn04
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:47 PM
Your not alone I'm a mother of four boys. I have been a sahm for 8 years. I would like to go back to work doing anything. All my family and friends live on GA. I'm in FL and go out to Dr. App for my kids PR grocery shopping. That'd about it. I find it hard to go to the potty with out a kid invading my space to tattel on the other. I love my kids but man, they are a handful.
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mommieof
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:51 PM
Se he offers to do it every once in a whole but if I'm gone like an hour or two he starts texting constantly wanting to know what time I'll come home and to hurry up, he hates not being with me and it sucks cause I need alone time sometimes.


Quoting chinosruca:

Why would he get all butt hurt and give you crap for needing to get out? He's a jackass. Trying to guilt you into staying home is a form of emotional abuse. My husband would never try to stop me. I RARELY do go out, bit the few times I have he GLADLY offers to watch the kids so I can spend time with friends.

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mommieof
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:53 PM
I'm sorry I bet that's really hard to adjust too, I'd go crazy but sometimes I feel like I'm in a foreign land cause no one visits, heck my mom is 2 minutes away and only comes by for special occasion like b-days and Christmas.


Quoting Azzura:

Wow, I'm 31 too and I never leave the house either. I only have 3 kids though. But I live overseas, military spouse, can't use my degree in a foreign country so I am a SAHM and we only have one car anyway which dh takes to work. So I'm stuck in a small village in Germany with a three year old and a 10 month old and it rains all the time here so we rarely get outside. We can't converse with neighbors much bc we don't speak the language so I understand the isolation. I also have no friends and all our family is on the other side of the world. We also don't have tv just DVDs and videos. It's been almost a year I've lived like this. I am an RN and used to work full time in he states and take care of kids when I got home so I understand how hard you work. I always wanted to be a SAHM when my kids were little so I'm not complaining but my particular situation is very isolating. All my free time goes to cleaning or cooking pretty much, and all the days seem the same. If you ever need somebody to talk to I'm always awake in the middle of the night bc we are 6-8 hours ahead of the USA. I hope you feel some relief soon!

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KatUvaggio
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:55 PM

Careful, Mommieof.  If you can't even be out of the house for an hour or two without him demanding you come home, that sounds mighty controlling to me. 

Quoting mommieof:

Se he offers to do it every once in a whole but if I'm gone like an hour or two he starts texting constantly wanting to know what time I'll come home and to hurry up, he hates not being with me and it sucks cause I need alone time sometimes.


Quoting chinosruca:

Why would he get all butt hurt and give you crap for needing to get out? He's a jackass. Trying to guilt you into staying home is a form of emotional abuse. My husband would never try to stop me. I RARELY do go out, bit the few times I have he GLADLY offers to watch the kids so I can spend time with friends.


mommieof
by on May. 3, 2012 at 1:59 PM
Thank you so much, everything you said makes complete sense. I was gonna see a therapist but I can't get a sitter and hubby works for a small company that doesn't allow for much help it's hard for him to take off work :( we live paycheck to paycheck so I doing nice thing for myself went out the window, I use to tan and get my nails done to just get out, feel pretty and socialize but I can't really afford it. I'm usually a very social outgoing person and not being able to is majing me feel so unhappy, ugly, useless and just feel like what the hell is the point of my life?


Quoting KatUvaggio:

Get it out anywhere you need to.  Keep writing.  It'll help keep you sane.  You're wrestling with what I call The Beast:  depression.  I've been a stay-at-home with my daughter for almost four years--not because I necessarily wanted to be, but because I had to financially.  Family is on the other side of the country and we have very little in the way of friends/sitters.  Your post could be a carbon copy of my journals.  (And I'm not even caring for twins!!!)  Being overworked, underpaid, and isolated, with not nearly enough (adult) interaction during the day even to make you feel like you're alive, let alone worth something--that's the recipe for The Beast.  Medication and talk therapy aren't options for me (I'm allergic to SSRIs, and how is it possible to get talk therapy when I can't even get out of the house????), so I have to find the energy to help myself. 

So here's the list: 

1) Write journals.  Even a page a day helps tremendously.  More than three pages turns into navel-gazing.  I give myself the freedom to make errors in spelling, grammar, etc.  Otherwise it just turns into another way to criticize myself.

2)  GET OUTSIDE.  Even for five minutes.  Watch the clouds.  Find a flower to look at.  Study an ant as it makes its laborious way along a hot sidewalk. _Anything_ that takes me outside the box of my own head (and house) helps.

3) Self-care.  And I don't mean over-eating or indulging in alcohol (though I still fight the food beast).  I find a way to get a shower, or take a bubble bath, or do something calming for myself that gives me time alone.  I even encourage my husband to find interests by himself outside the house after my daughter is in bed just so I can have the house to myself, even if it's only for an hour.  I still haven't found a way to hammer out meditation time (if I ever find a way, I'll let you know), but meditation is often just a fancy word for giving myself the gift of quiet alone-time.

4) Try something different.  You need a reminder that there's something outside the unfortunately tight spot you're in.  Everything in my life has to be free or very low-cost (since the margin of error in our monthly budget is less than $100), but I checked out my community mini-newspaper and found a surprising amount of stuff that, given even a tiny bit of help from my husband, I can try out.  I built my own rain barrel at a county extension workshop last year, and started a square foot garden.  Just ate my first bowl of this season's strawberries yesterday.  The berries themselves were awesome sprinkled with a little vanilla sugar, but even better was knowing that they were mine.  I did that.  They're beautiful to look at, smell, and taste.  And that feeds me in more ways than food.

5) MOVE.  The combination of stress and sitting at a desk can kill me, quite literally (I'm prone to anaphylaxis).  So I do jumping jacks.  I sprint the stairs in my house.  I stick my kid in her Radio Flyer wagon and drag her around for a ten minute walk.  I even turn up a favorite song and dance like a maniac.  I know the last thing I want to do after chasing my daughter through the house (and wrangle the laundry, the cooking, etc.) is move more, but there's a huge difference between moving for work and moving for my body.  I move because I can, because it feels good, because it makes my body feel like I treasure it.  And when my body's happy, I'm happy.  I recently managed to scrape together enough cash to join a mommy-and-me tae kwon do class, and I can't begin to describe how much better I feel about my life now that I can split a one-inch board in half with just a kick.  :-)  (And talk about stress relief!!!!)

6) And when it comes to the husband...  My husband gets snappish and gives me crap for needing to get out, too.  It's because he feels just as locked-up as I do.  Even if our work loads are utterly unbalanced right now, I can't let the resentment eat me alive--it'll take my marriage with it.  So when I make myself a priority--when I find ways to make myself feel better--he starts feeling better, too.  (Encouraging him to get the heck out of the house helps him mightily, too.  Even video game playing with a friend of his one night a week made a tremendous difference in his attitude.)

So, long post short, you're not alone.  You're not crazy.  You'd have to be crazy NOT to feel the way you do!  Humans are social animals, and being isolated is a sure way to drive us insane.  And care-taking of any kind--whether for a dying parent or a thriving kid--is exhausting in ways that very few people ever understand.  Find a place that you can vent at volume, at length, to get The Beast back under control.  And then, probably more importantly, find even the tiniest ways to bring joy back into your life. You have to save yourself--in doing so, you'll save your family.


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Pukalani79
by Kris on May. 3, 2012 at 2:00 PM

I lived in Darmstadt for about a year.  Where are you?

I struggled terribly for the first 3 or 4 months until I finally started getting out and meeting people.   I didn't have a car either so I'd take the strass into town or walk.  Find ways to connect with the other wives.  I'm sure there's ways to do that even w/o a car.

Quoting Azzura:

Wow, I'm 31 too and I never leave the house either. I only have 3 kids though. But I live overseas, military spouse, can't use my degree in a foreign country so I am a SAHM and we only have one car anyway which dh takes to work. So I'm stuck in a small village in Germany with a three year old and a 10 month old and it rains all the time here so we rarely get outside. We can't converse with neighbors much bc we don't speak the language so I understand the isolation. I also have no friends and all our family is on the other side of the world. We also don't have tv just DVDs and videos. It's been almost a year I've lived like this. I am an RN and used to work full time in he states and take care of kids when I got home so I understand how hard you work. I always wanted to be a SAHM when my kids were little so I'm not complaining but my particular situation is very isolating. All my free time goes to cleaning or cooking pretty much, and all the days seem the same. If you ever need somebody to talk to I'm always awake in the middle of the night bc we are 6-8 hours ahead of the USA. I hope you feel some relief soon!

 

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