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Couples Who Don't Live Together Before Marriage Are Asking For It! Do You Agree?

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Couples Who Don't Live Together Before Marriage Are Asking For It

There are many times I realize I live in a bubble, but almost none are more obvious than the times I realize not everyone moves in with their boyfriend or girlfriend prior to engagement. In my neck of the woods (the urban Northeast), there is not a single couple I know who did not test drive the relationship by living together first.

For every couple I know who lived together, I also know a couple who is still happily married 12, 15, and 20 years later. Sure, I also know a couple of divorced couples, but the irony is, the ones I know are some of whom never lived together (and also do not live in my state). So why are so many articles always coming out saying how bad it is to live together before marriage?

Personally, I lived with two men, one whom I married and one I did not. And I am deeply grateful for them both.

The first one ended horribly, with unpaid bills, screaming fights, and me back in my parent's house for a month. But I am glad it ended. In that case we had become engaged before we moved in together. Had we married rather than moved in, I would be divorced now. Maybe that does not seem like a big deal given how hard it was to move out. But at least I did not have any legal hassle.

As for the second one, here we are, 11 years and two kids later, still going strong. Living together did not hurt us. If anything, it made us know each other better and made us stronger. By the time we walked down the aisle, we had been living together for a year and a half. We knew everything about one another's habits and quirks. I knew how he threw his clothing on the floor and he knew I was not a stickler for cleanliness.

The few people I DO know who did not live together were under 23 when they married, more religious and did not live in cities. And all of them said that they had a steeper learning curve than my husband and I did. They had never even grocery shopped together when they got married.

We had our little life and sure, it made marriage a little anti-climactic, but a wedding is wonderful whenever it happens and my husband and I were deeply enmeshed in each other's lives once we married.

I honestly can't imagine our marriage would be as strong without living together. So for every article saying how "bad" it is, consider this: Every couple I know almost lived together prior to marriage and they are all happily married with children now.

Sure, it could go either way, but I never would have married a man without first living in the same house.

Did you live together before marriage?

 

by on May. 8, 2012 at 2:22 PM
Replies (41-50):
the3Rs
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:16 AM

Nope.  We met in July 1994 - married in August 1995.  We never lived together prior to marriage - and in fact only spent a handful of full nights together prior to marriage.  We will be celebrate 17 years of marriage this August.

Just because it worked for you and your friends, doesn't mean that's the gold standard everyone should aspire to.  I wouldn't push my way on you - kindly don't push your way on others.

mjimaging
by Melissa on May. 9, 2012 at 8:16 AM
I lived with two guys before DH and both ended horribly. When I met DH I refused to move in together until marriage and we are doing good. I had a child from the first guy and I wasn't going to put her through a long term live together and a breakup. It worked for us, we're happy.
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TinaG34
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:25 AM
I think it helps ease into the marriage better. You get to know the quirks and the person better. I using judge people who don't just my personal experience it worked better for me. My father was actually in favor of it- he told me "test drive the car before you buy it." the first years were rough but it made us stronger and realized that we are in it because we love each other and not because we didn't want to be a statistic of divorce
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jewelzs2
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:46 AM

 I would definitely recommend living together before marraige. Some may feel that it isn't right for religious purposes and that is cool for them. For me, I have to, it is a MUST!!!

I was engaged to my sons father and we lived together prior to the engagement, I finally saw him and how he lived. We coexisted good together but the company/friends he kept were just unbearable and we did end up splitting up.

That experience gave me a good insight on getting to know the man and his habits of living. I was grateful for it and if love finds me again and we go down that path I would definitely live wih the man first.

MamaLisaSmile
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:51 AM
We did not live together and I was a virgin bride. He was 19 when we got married, I was 21. We got married 7 months from our first date and have been married over 9 years! Plus we have the best sex life of anybody I know.
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ClassyMom619
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:51 AM

I was raised to get married before playing house. I'm from the older generation so this is what I believed. It worked for me. I met my husband, knew he was the right one and we got married less than 3 months after our first meeting. Here we are 13 years and 3 children later, still in love and happier than ever. I will not be pushing my children to live with someone before they get married. I just don't believe in it.

hkcason
by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:54 AM

i totally recommend it. i was totally in love w/ this guy would've married him in a heart beat. then we moved in together. i learned so much, like how he had hidden a drug problem from me, how he was lush & how when he drank he liked to hit me. Thank God I hadn't married him, its easier to walk out of a bad relationship than a bad marriage. My husband & I bought a house 1st(crazy yes) but we had been together for 4 years & knew it would work out. Still learned alot about him by living together but married him & wouldn't have changed it for the world. You don't buy a car w/o a test drive why would you commit your life w/o a test drive?

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jediGert
by on May. 9, 2012 at 10:22 AM

Yup, and 6 months of it was with my mom too because her health was failing.  You really get to know someone when you have to share a bathroom.  I don't see divorce in my life because we both knew what kind of lazy slob jerk we were hooking up with. lol. 

All kidding aside, I think living together for at least six months is a good way to know if you really are compatible on a day to day basis.  Sure, it takes the shine off the apple so to speak but so what?  The shine is just wax someone put there to make the apple prettier than it really is anyways.  If that shiny apple is frost bland on the inside, you aren't going to eat it are you?

WesternNYmom
by Alaina on May. 9, 2012 at 10:31 AM

DH and I lived together for almost 2 years before we got married. I was in my mid twentys, and got tired of paying my rent to my parents. I figured if I am going to pay rent, why not pay rent and have my own place.  A few monthes after we moved into our appartment, I found out I was pregnant with dd. We got engaged a few monthes later.  I don't regret anything. DH and had been talking about getting married and having a family before we found out about DD.  My family even told me that it was about time that I finally settled down, and started a family. They didn't care that I didn't do it in the traditional order (marriage first than kids).

iuangina
by on May. 9, 2012 at 10:35 AM

Did not live together, but we may as well have.  We had separate addresses, but we would stayed together all the time for 3 years.  It was kind of stupid in retrospect, but I think our parents would have had a major issue with us living together.

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