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Am I having an early midlife crisis?

Posted by on May. 21, 2012 at 12:50 PM
  • 17 Replies

I'm new to the group and I know this is long.  So I'm sorry and I do hope that some of you will read this. 

 

I've been married to my husband for 7 years.  We have two beautiful children and we have a wonderful relationship.  I love him very much.  I want to grow old with him.  My only issue with him is that he is not emotional at all and I on the other hand am VERY emotional.  I love to talk into the wee hours of the morning and about feelings and life and all that girly stuff that most of us do.  He does not, as I'm sure a lot of guys don't.  But I feel like that is a very important part of him that I need from him and he is not giving to me.  I'm not asking that he brings me flowers every day and that he tells me I'm beautiful every day.  I just ask that he gets me, lol.  I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.  Basically he is hard as a rock and doesn't express himself.  Whereas I express myself and would like it if he did the same.  His usual response to me is to just let it go.  But I can't.  I need to talk it out.  But when we have an argument all he does is shut off.  There have been times where he has laughed at me when I was crying and really upset.  This makes me feel like he is not there for me when I really need him and in some ways this chips away at my trust for him.  Which is sad because in my views, it doesn't matter how insignificant your issues are, they need to be important to your spouse.  I take on all his worries and make him feel better about it.  I never judge him for feeling a certain way.  But I don't feel like he is giving that back to me.  Bottom line is, I don't know what to do or how to feel.  I feel like I'm at a point where I need to accept that he will never fulfill this need I have, which deeply saddens me because this is very important for me.  I need it!  I do.  I know for a fact he will not go see a marriage counselor.  So that is out of the question.  So do I just accept it and live with it?  What if I become so unhappy?  I already feel unhappy at times.  I don't want this to ruin our relationship.  I can't make him be someone he is not.  So the only option I have is to change me.  Which I have already done in so very many ways.  I've learned to let things go.  So my question is why can't he change just a little bit.  Like I said, I love him very much.  I don't plan on divorcing him.  So please don't suggest that.  We have a wonderful family and I'm not willing to sacrifice this.  He knows I feel like this, but my guess is he doesn't care or he doesn't know it's as scarring to me as it is.  He is a wonderful man in every other aspect, but this is missing out of our relationship and I don't know how to be happy without it and I don't know how to make him see that.  My feelings could have a lot to do with my age.  I just turned 30 this year.  I knew he was like this when I married him, but my need for this emotional connection is getting bigger as I'm getting older.  I know I'm not the only person that feels like this.  I could do with some good advice and other people's stories.  Thanks!       

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by on May. 21, 2012 at 12:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JoGibson
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:10 PM

I could have and did write this two years ago.

What fixed it was a few trips to a marriage counselor and a program called marriage builders (follow what they say exactly).

Now we are both epressive, he tells me he loves me at least once an hour LOL, and we are BOTH happy.

If you continue down the path you are on you will grow apart entirely. Something does need to change.

Karenjm
by Member on May. 21, 2012 at 1:21 PM

This is scary to hear.  He is not open to counselling at all.  I will not convince him.  And I don't want to give him the choice between counselling and me leaving.  I don't want to leave.  I can also see us growing apart if things don't change. 

I'm happy to hear you were able to change your husband :-)

Quoting JoGibson:

I could have and did write this two years ago.

What fixed it was a few trips to a marriage counselor and a program called marriage builders (follow what they say exactly).

Now we are both epressive, he tells me he loves me at least once an hour LOL, and we are BOTH happy.

If you continue down the path you are on you will grow apart entirely. Something does need to change.


<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/04/28/2011><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/FFFFFF/330000/My%20pregnancy/04/28/2011.png' alt='Pregnancy%20ticker'></a><br><a style=font-size:9pt;color:#444444 target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com>Make a pregnancy ticker</a></div>

La_Vie_en_R0se
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:27 PM

Will he read a book with you if not go to a counselor?  Or be receptive to you reading and talking to him about it?  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a great book.  Take a look at it.  Good luck Mamma!  Men are different creatures for the most part than us...they don't "get" what we need out of a relationship sometimes. 

unhappymom74
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:31 PM

i understand both points,for the longest time i wouldn't show my fiance' affection not cuz i didn't want to but because i didn't no how. i didn't grow up with alot of friends and family showing each other affection we just new how to count on one another.and now i'm pregnant with our 3rd child and cry everyday for something dumb and now that he is in a supervisor postion and i feel like he doesn't care.i have even got to the point that i say i want to leave and he just supports me in whatever i want and it makes me mad cuz i don't no how to communicate how i truly feel.i love him and now the shoes is on the other foot and i don't no what to do.talking to your husband won't make him understand you have to show him in action...for example give him the cold shoulder maybe in a time when he is talking to you.i no it is hard to do but believe me when we start getting treated a certain way it makes us think.

JoGibson
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:43 PM

I didn't change him, he chose to change for me. And that is what needs to happen here.

My DH is home today and I asked him what could have been done to get him to open up. He suggested taking an active interest in one of his hobbies to get him to open up talking about that. Once he feels comfortable with that to slowly introduce other things. Guys are not naturally open.

Also a tip from our counselor that my Dh really liked, don't make statement about things concerning his actions and thoughts, you have no idea what is behind them. Instead place the observations you make on you.

Example: dont say "you are never emotional with me."

say "you may be opening up to me, but I am having trouble seeing that. Could you try harder and I will try harder to notice." It give an active plan for BOTH sides, guys like that.

Quoting Karenjm:

This is scary to hear.  He is not open to counselling at all.  I will not convince him.  And I don't want to give him the choice between counselling and me leaving.  I don't want to leave.  I can also see us growing apart if things don't change. 

I'm happy to hear you were able to change your husband :-)

Quoting JoGibson:

I could have and did write this two years ago.

What fixed it was a few trips to a marriage counselor and a program called marriage builders (follow what they say exactly).

Now we are both epressive, he tells me he loves me at least once an hour LOL, and we are BOTH happy.

If you continue down the path you are on you will grow apart entirely. Something does need to change.



Karenjm
by Member on May. 21, 2012 at 1:45 PM

You're not kidding.  They are so different :-)  I doubt he'll read a book with me, but he might be open to me talking to him about it.  Big might :-)  I would definitely talk to him when we're good and in a non threatening way.  I'll look for this book.  I'm willing to try anything at this point.  Thanks :-)

Quoting La_Vie_en_R0se:

Will he read a book with you if not go to a counselor?  Or be receptive to you reading and talking to him about it?  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a great book.  Take a look at it.  Good luck Mamma!  Men are different creatures for the most part than us...they don't "get" what we need out of a relationship sometimes. 


<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/04/28/2011><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/FFFFFF/330000/My%20pregnancy/04/28/2011.png' alt='Pregnancy%20ticker'></a><br><a style=font-size:9pt;color:#444444 target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com>Make a pregnancy ticker</a></div>

JoGibson
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:47 PM

My husband also wants to include "don't always point out what he is doing wrong, At least once a day find something that he has done right and recognise it. Hearing negative all of the time just makes guys shut down even more."

JoGibson
by on May. 21, 2012 at 1:50 PM

Jason and I listened to the marriage builders radio broadcast at first and that helped.People called in with their issues and somehow it was easier to talk about those people's issues than our own. It gave honest insight on how the other views relationships for both side. Would he do that? It is impersonal, yet personal.

Quoting Karenjm:

You're not kidding.  They are so different :-)  I doubt he'll read a book with me, but he might be open to me talking to him about it.  Big might :-)  I would definitely talk to him when we're good and in a non threatening way.  I'll look for this book.  I'm willing to try anything at this point.  Thanks :-)

Quoting La_Vie_en_R0se:

Will he read a book with you if not go to a counselor?  Or be receptive to you reading and talking to him about it?  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a great book.  Take a look at it.  Good luck Mamma!  Men are different creatures for the most part than us...they don't "get" what we need out of a relationship sometimes. 



Karenjm
by Member on May. 21, 2012 at 1:54 PM

Reading your response makes me want to pull him by the hair and take him to counselling.  I never thougth I'd want marriage counselling.  And I think that's what he thinks too.  I wish I could get him to open up to it.  I know we could both be happier.  How can he be happy if I'm not, you know?  I know there are a lot of ways to approach him and you're giving me some. 

Just a side note, men say we are complicated.  But for the most part they can walk up to us and talk about anything.  Look at what we need to go through to get them to talk, lol.  Just saying. 

Quoting JoGibson:

I didn't change him, he chose to change for me. And that is what needs to happen here.

My DH is home today and I asked him what could have been done to get him to open up. He suggested taking an active interest in one of his hobbies to get him to open up talking about that. Once he feels comfortable with that to slowly introduce other things. Guys are not naturally open.

Also a tip from our counselor that my Dh really liked, don't make statement about things concerning his actions and thoughts, you have no idea what is behind them. Instead place the observations you make on you.

Example: dont say "you are never emotional with me."

say "you may be opening up to me, but I am having trouble seeing that. Could you try harder and I will try harder to notice." It give an active plan for BOTH sides, guys like that.

Quoting Karenjm:

This is scary to hear.  He is not open to counselling at all.  I will not convince him.  And I don't want to give him the choice between counselling and me leaving.  I don't want to leave.  I can also see us growing apart if things don't change. 

I'm happy to hear you were able to change your husband :-)

Quoting JoGibson:

I could have and did write this two years ago.

What fixed it was a few trips to a marriage counselor and a program called marriage builders (follow what they say exactly).

Now we are both epressive, he tells me he loves me at least once an hour LOL, and we are BOTH happy.

If you continue down the path you are on you will grow apart entirely. Something does need to change.

 



<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/04/28/2011><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/FFFFFF/330000/My%20pregnancy/04/28/2011.png' alt='Pregnancy%20ticker'></a><br><a style=font-size:9pt;color:#444444 target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com>Make a pregnancy ticker</a></div>

Karenjm
by Member on May. 21, 2012 at 1:58 PM

I completely agree with this.  This is something I realized over the weekend and am working very hard on not doing.  So starting today I'll point out things he does that I appreciate.  I also decided over the weekend to just generally treat him better.  I yell when I get mad and I want to stop that. 

Quoting JoGibson:

My husband also wants to include "don't always point out what he is doing wrong, At least once a day find something that he has done right and recognise it. Hearing negative all of the time just makes guys shut down even more."


<div><a target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com/pregnancy/04/28/2011><img border=0 width=450 height=185 src='http://www.pregnology.com/preggoticker2/FFFFFF/330000/My%20pregnancy/04/28/2011.png' alt='Pregnancy%20ticker'></a><br><a style=font-size:9pt;color:#444444 target=_blank href=http://www.pregnology.com>Make a pregnancy ticker</a></div>

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