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PIOG: I feel like my mother is being Selfish, we don't have time left! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:00 AM
  • 8 Replies

 

So a little back ground first. My mother has been battleing cancer for almost 3 years now. The same week we found out that we were pregnant with our oldest son (now 20 months old), my mother was diagnoised with stage 3 advanced colon cancer. It has since moved through her digestive tract. Her time is getting limited.

My mother, step father, (refered to as Mike in the messages below), grandparents, everyone, etc reguse to give me details about my mothers worsening condition. My Mother in Law knows more than I do. My mother confides in her but wont tell me. This all makes me SO upset. I just want to know how much time (Some what) that we have left with her, and she keeps telling me, and acting like everything is fine, and she's going to live a long lige.

Anyways, below is an out of the blue message I got from my Aunt, with my reply. Am I wrong for feeling the way I am? How do I deal with this? How do I tell people to tell me the truth and to quit treating me like a child, that I DESERVE to know the truth, so I can make plans to make memories for my 2 young sons? I know my mom wants to hide it from me to "protect me", but she isn't protecting me. She's making it worse! I know she's sick, I know she's chemo sick, I know she has limited time, and looks like hell most days. But she's STILL MY MOM, and STILL the GRANDMOTHER of MY CHILDREN! WE don't care what she looks like or what she's going through. We love her and just want to spend as much time with her as we can before she goes. How to we tell her respectfully to be up front and honest with me!? Basically how do I tell her to stop being so selfish? (Because that's what it feels like to me.)

This is the message I got from my Aunt: my mother's oldest sister:

  • Hi "A". How is Zech doing? Love the pics of the kids. They are so precious. I talked to Grandma today and she said she has a long conversation with Mike's mom. Dale is not doing well and I don't know if you're aware of her worsen condition. Keep her in your prayers.

  • The following is my reply to my Aunt:
    • Hello Aunt "T":

      Zech is doing pretty good. He is just growing so fast. He nurses well, and sleeps well. He's a good strong healthy ox just like his mama, dada, and big brother. =)

      Thanks! I love pictures. My great grandmother on my dads moms side had alzheimers (Sp) and she couldn't remember what happened five mins ago, but when you brought out a "picture book" (Aka scrapbook) she would light up and could remember so many details. It's why I started scrapbooking, and got into photography. I want pictures to remember my babies, always.

      Yeah, no one seems to want to tell me the entire truth of moms situation, including her. It really upsets me a lot. I know she isn't doing well, I can feel it. I'm sensitive to that sort of thing in other people. I don't understand why everyone feels the need to hide things from me. Mom says she's "protecting me". But I really don't understand what she's protecting me from? It hurts me when they insist on doing this.

      I know she's getting worse, and I know her time is very limited. I just wish they would tell me so I know just how much time is left.

      I'm really upset by it all, because my boys wont have good sound memories of their grandmother other than in photos, and my memories of her. I feel like she's robbing the boys of making memories before she goes.

      Sorry to just unload on you, just so upset with it all. Most days I just try not to think about it, and push it out of my mind, sort of pretend it doesn't exsist. I know that isn't healthy thing to do, but it's what I have to do right now, for the boys. All 3 of them.

  • by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:00 AM
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    Replies (1-8):
    cklamour
    by Bronze Member on May. 28, 2012 at 12:06 AM
    Find a way to talk to your mom via phone or face to face. And everything you wrote here, express that to her.

    I watched my mom die. I saw her take her last breath. Do I want to remember every intricate detail leading to her death, no, but here I am four years later, still haunted. It's hard Hun, she's trying to protect you from the images that can/will affect you for the rest of your days...like me.

    I wish peace and comfort for you.
    Posted on CafeMom Mobile
    Cpdsptchgrl
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:12 AM
    1 mom liked this
    I can only imagine how you feel. It would crush me if my mother handled things this way. That said...she's dying, and she has the right to die how she chooses.
    Posted on CafeMom Mobile
    e-doolittle
    by Kelly on May. 28, 2012 at 12:14 AM
    I agree. I would trade the time I had with my dad no matter how awful he felt at the end.

    Quoting cklamour:

    Find a way to talk to your mom via phone or face to face. And everything you wrote here, express that to her.

    I watched my mom die. I saw her take her last breath. Do I want to remember every intricate detail leading to her death, no, but here I am four years later, still haunted. It's hard Hun, she's trying to protect you from the images that can/will affect you for the rest of your days...like me.

    I wish peace and comfort for you.
    Posted on CafeMom Mobile
    IHeartDraven
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:21 AM
    I'm guessing you don't live close to her?
    I too took care of my mom and was with her when she passed. After 9 years those last moments still haunt me..... But there's no where else I would have wanted to be but there with her.
    No one knows how much time they have...she may not have a time frame...hell I wouldn't want someone to tell me my D day

    My advice to you is this.
    Take a breath and stop being upset with her. When she's gone you will be only be upset w yourself that you wasted that anger. I agree w the first poster...she may simply be trying to protect you. She's not...but that may be her intent.
    Noone knows how we would act if if were us leaving our families behind so be patient and be kind and let go I your anger over the situation

    Talk o her often. Treat every day like this could be the last time you speak. Even if the dr has given her for example 4 weeks. She could be gone in 2 or here for 4 months. Drs aren't God they dont know.

    Keep your head up momma. Sending lots of positive vibes your way to help you through this trying time. Hugs
    Posted on CafeMom Mobile
    ExquisiteMomof2
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:28 AM

     It really has more to do with the fact that she wont let us come visit her on her "bad days" which is more often than not. She is on a schedule of 3 weeks in the hospital 1 week out. She recently changed Oncologists. Her last oncologist basically told her it's more or less about comfort control from here on out. She wont accept that, and this new oncologist hasn't made a decision on what the "game plan" is. Whether or not to continue the chemo and current treatment or as the previous doc said, go to comfort control. When she's in the hospital we can't take my newborn with. My 20 month old is only allowed to be there for a max of 2 hours. (Hospital rules). When she's home and not in the hospital for that one week she is so chemo shocked and sick that she refuses to open the door for me. I have sat in front of her house with my boys in the car (Car running of course) for hours waiting for her to let me in.

    I wished she'd understand we don't care what she looks like. We just want to be there, for her, by her, and with her. We want to make the most of the time and make what little memories we will have left with her memorable. She just doesn't want to tell me the truth. Instead she feeds me the bs that she is okay, it will all be okay. That she just needs to finish chemo and she will live to be an old old lady. I know that isn't true. She looks like death when I do get to see her. I wish she would be honest with me! She has always been honest with me, and I don't understand why she isn't now! I don't understand how she can tell my mother in law and husband everything but not me!

    Quoting IHeartDraven:

    I'm guessing you don't live close to her?
    I too took care of my mom and was with her when she passed. After 9 years those last moments still haunt me..... But there's no where else I would have wanted to be but there with her.
    No one knows how much time they have...she may not have a time frame...hell I wouldn't want someone to tell me my D day

    My advice to you is this.
    Take a breath and stop being upset with her. When she's gone you will be only be upset w yourself that you wasted that anger. I agree w the first poster...she may simply be trying to protect you. She's not...but that may be her intent.
    Noone knows how we would act if if were us leaving our families behind so be patient and be kind and let go I your anger over the situation

    Talk o her often. Treat every day like this could be the last time you speak. Even if the dr has given her for example 4 weeks. She could be gone in 2 or here for 4 months. Drs aren't God they dont know.

    Keep your head up momma. Sending lots of positive vibes your way to help you through this trying time. Hugs

     

    IHeartDraven
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 12:40 AM
    Well first of all you need to find a way to tell her everything you just told me.

    My mother refused to allow me take a family photo before she passed because she didn't like her wig. The only family photo I hve is from when I was 10 months old. :/ she insisted we'd take one when her hair grew back. Smh. Sometimes i think that the denial is what got her by from day to day ya know.

    That being said she needs to know that you need her and need to see her.

    My mother was diagnosed w small cell lung cancer.. It was terminal at diagnosis. Her entire treatment was for comfort not for hope of remission. That being said she still acted most days like that wasn't the case. She's often talk about doin this or that once she felt better etc

    Just talk to her. Don't take no for an answer and keep talkig and keep talking. That's all you can love
    Posted on CafeMom Mobile
    ExquisiteMomof2
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:08 AM

     Your mother sounds like my mother. Day to day, living in denial. A part of me feels like she likes living in denial, because if she lives there long enough, it might change the outcome, so to tell me the truth would be harmful. I know I wish for that often.

    I know this sounds selfish, but I want to be there with her, and for her, so I can take photos, for my boys to remember her. To have something about her. So I can tell them what sort of traits of theirs they got from her. I know that sounds selfish. But They miss out on her, and she misses out on them, and that all really kills me.

    Quoting IHeartDraven:

    Well first of all you need to find a way to tell her everything you just told me.

    My mother refused to allow me take a family photo before she passed because she didn't like her wig. The only family photo I hve is from when I was 10 months old. :/ she insisted we'd take one when her hair grew back. Smh. Sometimes i think that the denial is what got her by from day to day ya know.

    That being said she needs to know that you need her and need to see her.

    My mother was diagnosed w small cell lung cancer.. It was terminal at diagnosis. Her entire treatment was for comfort not for hope of remission. That being said she still acted most days like that wasn't the case. She's often talk about doin this or that once she felt better etc

    Just talk to her. Don't take no for an answer and keep talkig and keep talking. That's all you can love

     

    ExquisiteMomof2
    by on May. 28, 2012 at 1:24 PM
    Well it took some convinving, but we are on the way to see my mom and spend some time with her. She was very reluctant at first. Until she heard my husband in the background ask our son if he wanted to go see grandma and he got excited and said yeah!

    I plan on having a heart to heart with her about my concerns, fears and upsets. Hopefully it goes well.

    Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It is so much appreciated! Thank you!
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