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He doesn't want a second child....

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My SO and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years and we have a 2 and 1/2 year old DD. We are getting married in 3 weeks. We have been talking about having another child for a year now. We have moved to another state so he could take a better job (we just moved about 3 months ago). Lastnight he told me that he has decided that he does not want anymore children. I am devestated! I have always wanted at least two children. We have talked about names and even started looking for a bigger home. And now he says no. I feel like he is being unfair. I moved for him, we have no family or friends here. I will even have to changes careers to able to find work  where we are now. I have given up so much already and I feel like I should not have to give up this.

I feel that if i marry him that I would be sealing that fate and I would end up hating him. I am very confused about everything now.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 1:25 PM

You really need to talk about it together. Maybe ask him to be open to it, maybe not right now, but in the future? You can't give up on the family you want to have, but your dd needs her daddy too. My DH is not sure he wants a 2nd child, but he has promised me that he will stay open minded to it in the future. Hope you guys can work it out. But you both need to keep in mind that you've been throuh a lot of big changes recently, and you're headed for another (marriage). Don't make emotional decisions. Let the dust settle a little, And I'm sure the two of you can talk things through.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 1:29 PM
Don't marry someone thinking that they will change. Put off the wedding until you find out what his reasoning is and if children are ever possible. If not, you Will always be resentful.
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by Linnette on Jul. 5, 2012 at 5:25 PM
I agree. Hugs and I hope everything works out for you in the end.

Quoting jillbailey26:

You've had a lot of changes recently and if you get married, that's more changes to come.  Let things settle down a little bit.  Talk to him more.  If this is a deal breaker for you, let him know that.  If you love him more than you love the idea of a second child, then stay with him, get married and enjoy your life together with the one child you do have.

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by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 5:39 PM

You should definately talk to him furthur about it. Let him know how much having a second child means to you. Also try to find out what else is going on right now that could be contributing to him not wanting more children. Some men can be funny like that, if there is something going on that makes them uneasy about their furture they manifest that concern and anxiety in sort of peripheral ways. He may not even realize that there is something else bothering him that led him to this decison at the moment. Either way it is worth talking about further, if he does have a concern try to approach it reasonably, see if it is something that is likely to be passing or something that can be sidestepped by pushing back having another kiddo a few more years.

by Ruby Member on Jul. 5, 2012 at 5:42 PM

Ohh, I don't envy you. That's the only thing I've always said a couple couldn't compromise on. You can't meet in the middle on children. 

I didn't want children at all. My husband did but he was ok with not having any. We ended up having bc fail twice and now we've got two kids. While I love them, it wasn't how I wanted my life to end up. 

I can definitely see this being an issue for you guys, but I hope you can come to some sort of resolution. Good luck!

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 8:02 PM

You will be sealing your fate. Make sure what you can and can't live with before you marry him. You don't want to wait until it is too late and realize you can't live without a second child and have to go through a divorce. Talk to him and let him know just how important this is to you and then decide what you want to do. Good Luck

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 9:20 PM
Great advice. I really should talk to him before you get hitched about it.

Quoting amy1763:

You definately owe it to him and yourself to sit down and talk this one over. Dont give up on YOUR dream.
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by Bronze Member on Jul. 5, 2012 at 9:53 PM

Wow. I'd be very upset as well. No way I'd marry him until you get this sorted out.He sounds a little selfish.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 9:56 PM

What is more unfair, you not getting a second child, a child being unwanted by it's father, or a child suffering through her parents breaking up (which is what will happen if you call off the wedding)?

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 10:41 PM

Quoting Lindalou907:

Wow. I'd be very upset as well. No way I'd marry him until you get this sorted out.He sounds a little selfish.

I dont think he is being selfish, just honest, but so should you.  For his reasons he has changed his mind, it happens. 
My hubby and I both said we were done after our difficult first, but as time has passed we both changed our minds (at different times) and now we both want one at the same time. 
You def need to sit down and talk with him if its a deal breaker for either of you, before the wedding.
While it may be an upsetting subject, try to view it as both of you have the right to your own feelings and desires.

Good luck!   

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