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He doesn't want a second child....

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My SO and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years and we have a 2 and 1/2 year old DD. We are getting married in 3 weeks. We have been talking about having another child for a year now. We have moved to another state so he could take a better job (we just moved about 3 months ago). Lastnight he told me that he has decided that he does not want anymore children. I am devestated! I have always wanted at least two children. We have talked about names and even started looking for a bigger home. And now he says no. I feel like he is being unfair. I moved for him, we have no family or friends here. I will even have to changes careers to able to find work  where we are now. I have given up so much already and I feel like I should not have to give up this.

I feel that if i marry him that I would be sealing that fate and I would end up hating him. I am very confused about everything now.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Replies (121-126):
everydaymomof1
by on Jul. 7, 2012 at 6:04 PM

I have one child and I am happy with one child, I had ppd after my first and I made a decision I didnt want to go through that again fortunantely my husband agreed with me. 

I would give both of you some time, it is hard moving, I know I am Australian and I live in the USA away from all my family. We just moved to Colorado away from his family and are starting fresh ourselves.

Work on your relationship for a while, let him know he is just as important as any child, actually if you are going to marry then he should come before any child because after children are grown and gone on their own ways it is the husband and wife left standing together.  It isnt about you making sacrifices for him so he should make some for you, that will not make a good marriage. 

Let dogs lie for a while, if he doesnt change his mind and you can't live with it, don't get married, it wont be healthy to be in a relationship where you resent him for either you or your child.

tinysmom160
by on Jul. 7, 2012 at 7:34 PM

If you are having trouble do not get married figure it out first.

smallo8485
by on Jul. 7, 2012 at 8:11 PM
1 mom liked this
I would definetly say don't marry him until you get this sorted out because resent has no place in a marriage. My husband and I are having issues because of a very similar situation. He got a vasectomy after our last child was born even though he knew I was aginst it (always has been) from the very begining I always said I wanted to leave my options open till at least age 35 and this was something he always said he understood. I did discuss my feelings with him before he got it done but he chose to do it anyway. His reasoning is because he didn't think he could handle another child (im a sahm who does 95% of the responsibilities with them)..his reasoning had nothing to do with not being able to afford another or anything like that just so that's clear..It has caused occasional issues between us but we have managed to work our way through them. I love him dearly but there are times where it still makes me very sad and angry knowing that he will never again be able to give me something that he's always know was very important to me. I guess if I ever wanted it bad enough there are many other ways to have a child and since I am perfectly capable of having a child still so I could still have another if I chose..but I wouldn't do it (I don't think) unless he agreed to it. having children is a big issue and an important issue this really needs to be sorted out before you get married
Collier3
by Member on Jul. 8, 2012 at 10:45 AM
2 moms liked this

Thank you everyone for the advice. He and I have been talking and while he feels that he has very good reasons for not wanting another child he has also agreed that it is not fair for him to ask of me so much and then shut down my dream of another child. So he said that he will remain open minded and that in 6 months we will talk again. I asked him if he thought if we had another child would he dislike that child or resent me for the child. He stated no that he would not. He says that while he believes that it is simpler with one, that all children are a blessing and he could never treat one as if he/she were not. This has made things much better in my home :)

Ronda2012
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 5:24 PM

Is he saying no to right now or no like forever? It may be worth it to sit down and talk it out with him. My husband and I are waiting until he gets tenure (job security) before trying for more kids. I want two or three more, he wants one or two more. To me, having my husband and a happy marriage is worth compromising a bit on. 

If, on the other hand, I weren't married to him, and we wanted totally different things, then it might be a dealbreaker. You've got to decide whether staying with a man who does not want more kids and who wants to travel when you don't is worth it. My hubby and I definitely want to travel - but that's something we will do with our kids and once our kids are grown. There's a whole future ahead. It's important to be sure that you will be on the same (or at least similar) paths. 

badged54
by on Jul. 15, 2012 at 5:18 PM
Omg honey I will be praying for you
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