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He doesn't want a second child....

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My SO and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years and we have a 2 and 1/2 year old DD. We are getting married in 3 weeks. We have been talking about having another child for a year now. We have moved to another state so he could take a better job (we just moved about 3 months ago). Lastnight he told me that he has decided that he does not want anymore children. I am devestated! I have always wanted at least two children. We have talked about names and even started looking for a bigger home. And now he says no. I feel like he is being unfair. I moved for him, we have no family or friends here. I will even have to changes careers to able to find work  where we are now. I have given up so much already and I feel like I should not have to give up this.

I feel that if i marry him that I would be sealing that fate and I would end up hating him. I am very confused about everything now.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Replies (21-30):
sheri305
by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 10:43 PM


Quoting jillbailey26:

You've had a lot of changes recently and if you get married, that's more changes to come.  Let things settle down a little bit.  Talk to him more.  If this is a deal breaker for you, let him know that.  If you love him more than you love the idea of a second child, then stay with him, get married and enjoy your life together with the one child you do have.


Freela
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:23 AM

I think that, if this is a dealbreaker to you, you owe it to him to sit down and talk about it before the wedding. It sounds like you have a lot of changes going on right now, and perhaps he's resistant to more change because of that. However, he needs to hear your perspective, especially if, as you say, you could end up resenting him and hating him because you feel you gave up on the family you hoped to have.

Good luck! I hope things work out!

VintageWife
by Silver Member on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:26 AM

It's a deal breaker for me.

booklover74
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:28 AM
2 moms liked this

If you say nothing to him, he will assume you are in agreement with him on it.  You need  to talk to him and be very honest about all you are feeling and thinking.

You made major life changes and plans for him and with him based partly on the agreement that you would have another child. His changing his mind based on the desire to travel more or that he will feel stressed out caring for another child, that you will have most of the burden for, is unfair at best.

My guess is he's leaving something out about his change of heart or he was never really on board with a second child and hoped you would change your mind.

If I were in your position I would postpone the marriage until you both could work out your feelings on this and come to an agreement that neither of you feel cheated with. If you marry him with this unresolved and still very much wanting a baby it will create a tiny spot of resentment that will grow intoo a really big ball over time and hurt your marriage. When one partner really wants another child and the other really doesn't it hurts both parties and sometimes it really does make a deal breaker from either point of view.

hargonagain
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:37 AM
2 moms liked this

I know how you feel!  I was with the "love of my life" but he had two kids already.  I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world, but after we were engaged and close to getting married he announced that he was "done" and didn't want any more kids.  I was crushed.  He is much older than I am and was saying that his kids were grown already and he didn't want to start over.  I tried to supress my feelings because I loved him so much, but I just couldn't live with the fact of never being a mother.  We broke it off several months down the road, before we got married and it was the best decision I ever made.  If you can't live with not having another child, then you should postpone your wedding until you can decide what path to take.  Like others said, getting pregnant on purpose isn't the right thing to do.  Good luck to you.

 

Gooberzilla
by Member on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:40 AM
1 mom liked this

 My hubby said this to me also.  He is STILL on the fence about #2.  He doesn't really want another 'baby' but once the 'baby' grows into a child he likes it.  The thing is, as I told him, he has to go through 2 years of frustration whereas I would grieve for the rest of my life.  Plus, I felt he tricked me because I would never have married him if he said only 1 and he knew that-it was a deal breaker for me.  In fact, I felt like I had compromised because I really want 3 but I knew that was way too much for him, so I agreed to 2 and so did he.  I don't have a "happy every after" ending for you because I haven't been able to get pregnant with #2 yet, so DH may yet get what he wants.  Anyway, I think you should sit down with SO and tell him how you feel about this.  Try not to accuse or attack, but let him know how strongly you feel and try to hear his side of things.  You may be able to come to a compromise.

jessi2girls
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:42 AM

1- he's not being unfair.. he's being honest about how he feels about having another child..discussing the possibility of having more than one child, verses promising you will have.. are two completely different thing.

2-You made the choice to move with him.. bringing it up as leverage to try to get him to change his mind... now THAT is unfair.

3-He didn't MAKE you give up anything, you made that choice as a family because you both decided it was what was best financially.. having another child when one parent doesn't want another is NOT even compairable here!!! We are talking about another human life that you want to bring into the family... not something like a new car..and if a relationship, BOTH parents should have a say here.

4- If this is a deal breaker, then you need to tell him that it is.. and call off the wedding, and move on with your life.. and be sure he is aware that this isn't a form of.. my way or the highway.. that it's done done.. He wouldn't be any happier or less resentful of you if you tried to force him to have another child.. so there really is only one option here.. and that's to call it off .

Aleta775
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 12:59 AM

I'm sorry, and I know that you are disappointed. I had always thought I would have two children. My dh always thought that too. When planned to have our dd. I had a hard pregnancy, and our dd had some issues when she first came into the world. She will be 3 next week. It was my dh that decided to stop at one. I had been toying with the idea of only having one, but firmly he told me he was done. I was very hurt and disappointed at first, like you. Having two was what I had in mind. However, we sat down and talked about it and I realized that he had just totally changed his mind. There is very little you can do to change a person's mind once it is made up, and that's what happened with me and my dh. As time went by, I realized that having one child would have a lot of pluses. I began to understand my dh's point of view, and he had some very good reasons to stop with only one child. It was mostly for financial reasons, but there are some other factors too. What you should do is sit down and talk to your SO about it, and then decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I wasn't a deal breaker for me, but I understand how hard it can be to accept that you are not going to have things the way that you planned. Good luck to you.

TexasWife
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 1:17 AM

I agree that y'all need to sit down and talk. It sounded like a lot of your post was about his wants and needs. :/

abouttobeamom
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Tell him about how u feel, u might argue about it but the reason for bringing it up is to help fix the problm, let him know that...fix it before its toooo late
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