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He doesn't want a second child....

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My SO and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years and we have a 2 and 1/2 year old DD. We are getting married in 3 weeks. We have been talking about having another child for a year now. We have moved to another state so he could take a better job (we just moved about 3 months ago). Lastnight he told me that he has decided that he does not want anymore children. I am devestated! I have always wanted at least two children. We have talked about names and even started looking for a bigger home. And now he says no. I feel like he is being unfair. I moved for him, we have no family or friends here. I will even have to changes careers to able to find work  where we are now. I have given up so much already and I feel like I should not have to give up this.

I feel that if i marry him that I would be sealing that fate and I would end up hating him. I am very confused about everything now.

by on Jul. 5, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Replies (31-40):
ambernicolle
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 2:09 AM
1 mom liked this

My DH and I just had our first child and while talking with family about our plans for kids, he randoomly said he was done after one. Which really up set me too, because we have talked abut kids and marriage since we were dating like the whole "What do you expect from life" sorta deal. We always said we wanted 2 kids. And that we wanted them close in age- so when he said that and we got home I asked him about it and he acted like I was 'baby crazy' all because I questioned him about "not wanting another kid"..... I just figure he wil change his mind later. I get it that WE just had one and guys brains are pretty simple when it comes to being the nurturing type. If he is really stuburn when I am ready for another kid, I will wait a little while but I plan to have a plan B- I will find a way to trick him. Even if i have to fake taking a "BC pill" and just take a prenatal vitamin..lol. I know some people may not agree to that- but, i dont think i will have to turn to plan b.

the ultimate answer is to talk to him- i would say give it a few weeks or month but it sounds like you are wanting an answer before the wedding. And i don't think u r going to really get that answer brfore then- so, you ultimate decisions seem to be-

Accept your husbands decision, and accept it might stick as  an answer. Or dont accept, and decide do u still love him enough to deal with it. 

pampire
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 2:39 AM

You need to talk to him again and tell him those things.  Ask why it is he doesn't want another child.  Is he sure that's how he feels for all time or just for the near future?  Don't get married before having that talk.  Don't TTC behind his back.

aimhawk
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 2:55 AM

He could change his mind. Sit him down and let him know how your feeling. Communication it key!

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truealaskanmom
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 5:28 AM
3 moms liked this

Here is my thoughts you will never regret a baby you have but you wil always regret not having the baby you wanted

SookieRose
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 5:34 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting jillbailey26:

You've had a lot of changes recently and if you get married, that's more changes to come.  Let things settle down a little bit.  Talk to him more.  If this is a deal breaker for you, let him know that.  If you love him more than you love the idea of a second child, then stay with him, get married and enjoy your life together with the one child you do have.

 

jediGert
by Member on Jul. 6, 2012 at 6:49 AM

Avoiding it won't elp either.  If this is really important to her, this should be a deal breaker.  as someone else mentined, she needs to decide if another child is more or as important as her relationship.

If it is, she needs to find someone who shares her dreams and let him find someone else who shares his.

Sometimes no matter how much you love each other, your just not meant to be together because there's something one or the other does that is not at all compatible with the other person's needs.

That is what it comes down to, what does she want vs. what does she need?  Does she need him or just want him, does she need another child or just want another child.  I need another child and my husband gets it and so we are trying again next month even though he's been on the fence because of how bad our finances were last year.

Quoting viv212:

My words are brutal and honest. Maybe he's not sure he wants kids anymore. You know how guys are, too.... if you don't bug for it, they'll give it to you. Putting pressure on him might not help the situation.


Bellarose0212
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 7:01 AM

Well, know that you have time and he may have a change of heart.

You definitely need to have conversations about what caused this change in him.

I can definitely see it being stress. Big changes are happening in his life. A big move, a new job, an impending wedding (yes, you are already behaving as married and probably have been for a long time, but marriage is a big symbol and can trigger emotional responses anyway). He may feel overwhelmed.

Maybe in time, he will soften to the idea again, so don't despair just yet. Perhaps he will still feel this way in the future but if he has been planning for a second child and on board for one and had a sudden change of heart, I'm guessing it's about his current state of mind and not a permanent decision for your whole lives together (unless he was just hiding his true feelings before now). Maybe you will just have to have a slightly bigger gap between children than you had planned, in waiting until you are both ready.

I'm really sorry that he threw you this curve ball though. I'm sure it's very jarring to plan for something and then suddenly have that shut down. I had the same happen last year. We were planning for another child, had a recent move, and my DH got overwhelmed. There was an infidelity of sorts (nothing actually happened but he basically contacted an ex inappropriately) and extreme distrust and separation occurred thereafter. We went to therapy, read a few books, reconnected and now we are back thinking of and planning for another child. Things are still tumultuous in our lives with planning two careers (we are young, I am graduating college and he is in college and working full time) and another child, but essentially he was really overwhelmed before and didn't know how to talk about it. I'm not implying that anything as serious is going on in your relationship, but just thinking that he might be overwhelmed and this is his reaction, not that he necessarily doesn't want another child ever.

Bellarose0212
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 7:10 AM

I wrote my reply before reading this!

Yeah, starting over is stressful and men are jarred by the experience of child-rearing, especially in the baby stage (so are women, who like you said usually do the majority of the work, but with men it's almost like jealousy over losing a mother figure) and starting over is very daunting.

Also, men are very stressed by the job of being breadwinners, especially in times of trial like these. It makes the thought of another mouth to feed stressful.

I think his concerns and stressors are valid but I also think there is hope there. With time to settle down after a few of these big transitions are more in the rearview, he may reconsider. But, more often than not, men do not burn for another baby the way women do so likely he will be doing it, to some degree, for you but in a more open to it place than he is now.

Good luck. Be patient with him. He may feel differently as soon as a few months from now. Tell him how important another child is to you and the reasons why. Tell him that you respect that he is stressed by the idea now but ask him not to close his heart to the idea and to keep considering it.

GL!

Quoting Collier3:

Like alot of people who have struggled the last few years with the economy, we have also. two jobs and to relocations in two years. We are finally stable and in a longterm place. He says that another child is expensive and that he wants to start traveling again, like we use to. He says that another child will keep us from doing that. But I never said iIwanted to travel. He also says that another child would stress him to badly. Funny since I am the one that cares for her 95% of the time. 

He would never forgive me if I did that and I don't think i could do that to him. I want him to want the child.



calusari
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 7:32 AM
2 moms liked this

My ex husband did that to me; we had one child and I wanted more, but he didn't.

You see that we aren't married anymore; I moved on, got remarried, and now have a houseful of kids!

JoGibson
by on Jul. 6, 2012 at 7:35 AM
Just to play the oppossite side of this coin. Didnt we just tell another mom in this group that had her dh pressuring her to have a baby that it has to be a joint choice?

Two things could be happening here OP:
1- your SO has cold feet (normal and he will change his feelings with time)

2- he really does not want a baby and he will not be happy if you force him to. It really is his choice too.
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