This is in response to the ludicrous post that was featured today (that eventually was deleted) that once again demonizes working mothers as selfish people.
First, I will state that I have NOTHING bad to say about SAHMs, if that is the choice you have made for you and your family and you are happy with it, great! Its none of my business and I am happy for you and have zero judgment. All of us have our own experiences that color our decisions for what we choose, and if it works for our families, that's all that matters!
So, back to the topic. This is why I have chosen to be a working mother:
My mother was a SAHM and waitressed nights. She had no other skills other than waitressing. My father worked full-time and was the primary bread winner. My parents fought constantly and my father frequently would take off and disappear, leaving my mother and I high and dry. Her tip money was not enough to pay rent, bills and food. I have known the humiliation of being evicted and having to stay with friends, or family. I have known the humiliation of watching my mother beg for money, steal food and pawn anything we had of value. I have been hungry. I have been homeless. As soon as I was old enough to get a job, I was responsible for paying for anything I wanted and needed outside of food. So, I've been working since I was 14.
I have been on my own since I was 18. I worked multiple jobs and put myself through college. I knew that if I was going to secure my own future so that I would never have to struggle like I did as a child, I was going to have to make that happen for myself through a solid education and hard work. Not once did I think I would just find some rich guy to take care of me. I graduated college and I have been working steadily in my career since then.
When I got married, never once did it cross my mind "Hey, if we have a baby, I can stop working and he can take care of all of us!" My husband is nothing like my father, but I still would never put my fate, and the fate of my child, solely in the hands of my husband. I don't think that is fair to him to be forced to shoulder that kind of responsibility, I see my husband as my equal partner in everything, and that means we share the responsibility of our family's survival across the board.
I also didn't merely want to eek through life. Yes, it is possible for me to stay home and have my husband work to support us. But that would mean my DH would not have the time to spend with his son, and that is not fair to him, or our son at all. Nor is it good for our marriage that he be working and gone so much that we never have time to connect. Not to mention the stress and exhaustion he would feel.
If I didn't work, we could survive, but we couldn't thrive. There would be no traveling, no treats, and I would constantly have to tell my child "No" to every request for a new toy, or to play sports, or go to summer camp with his friends, because we couldn't afford it. I grew up that way. The answer was always NO. I knew that and I stopped asking for anything at a VERY young age. My parents didn't even know when picture day was at school because I wouldn't tell them as I knew we were broke. Every fun activity that my school had from Secret Santa to Secret Valentines, etc, if it required money I did not participate. 9/10 times, I was the ONLY child in my class not participating and it was obvious. I was stigmatized as being poor and ostracized because of it. I never told my parents about any of it because I knew we didn't have the money and it would upset them. NO child should have to shoulder such adult responsibility so young. I didn't participate in anything unless I paid for it myself. I do NOT want that life for my son. My mother being home did NOT make up for all of the things I didn't get to have or do growing up, and the agony she went through having to always tell me no was NOT a positive experience to witness.
Me working has allowed me to retain my financial independence and help support our family. It enables my husband to spend more time with our son as he is not forced to work 2 jobs to support us. We are able to go on vacations and provide for our son all the things we never had. My husband and I respect each other and support each other's career goals and dreams, because we recognize that just because we became parents, it doesn't mean that our personal lives have stopped and its all about our child. This attitude will more than benefit our child because he won't have to learn the hard way that the world doesn't revolve around him.
I am very proud that I work, and I enjoy my career. I'm happy that I can share that with my son as he grows, so he can learn that women are just as capable as men, and that the reponsibility of supporting a family is not solely a man's role.
And no, my son is not in a day care. I don't have anything against those who use day cares, but my husband and I didn't want that. My son is watched in his own home. I am able to stay home with him one day per week, my husband has another day of the week, his grandmother watches him one day per week and we have an awesome nanny for the other two. Plus my husband works from home so there is always a parent around. I am VERY blessed to have this, and my son thrives because of it.
So, there you go, a working mother who is not a single mother who can stay home but chooses not to.
How about you?
Personally, I'd never stay home, I enjoy my job. I love making my own money, and I'd never want to feel financially dependent upon my husband either. Neither of us would be happy living that way. We keep our money separate in our own individual accounts and split the bills and food costs equally.
Agreed! There are some careers that are stable that allow some people to stay home for a while if need be. Teaching is one of them. I'm in marketing. I have to be more than just knowledgeable about the latest marketing tools and initiatives out there, I have to have used them and have a track record to show for it. For me, taking a significant amount of time off would spell career disaster. I likely would not be hired at the level I was when I left to stay with my children, and I would have to start at the bottom, competing against fresh college grads who can afford to be paid less because they don't have a family to feed. Their youth is what will get them hired over me. This is what its like in the job market out there, and I've seen way too many posts from SAHM's who belittle working mom's and say that they can always work if they need to. They haven't been in the job market for years and truly don't know what they are talking about, in my opinion. In some cases, like yours... they do have job security because they are in a field that is more secure, like education, health care, etc. But its not true of others, and that is why, like you said, there can be no blanket judgment, no absolute right and absolute wrong - its what is correct for each, individual family.... thank you for your comment! :)
Quoting VarelaClan:
I am a SAHM because that's what we feel is right for our family. We also homeschool. I was a teacher before having kids, so I have something to fall back on, if need be. My husband makes really really good money, we don't need for me to work. We are able to go on many family trips every year and the kids have more than they need. For me to work, we feel would take away from the kids, just so we could have more. Every family situation is different. We have neighbors whom the child barely sees his mom because she works so much. She works 6 days a week. Dad feels like he's a single dad most days. He works 8-5 m-f and has the child evenings and weekends alone most of the time. It's sad, but they have to do it to pay the bills. Then we have friends like you who have days off during the week where they are with the kids. She works from home Mondays & Tuesdays, he has off wednesdays,they go to grandmas Thursdays, so only go to daycare on Fridays. It works well for them. We really need to quit fighting the SAHM vs working mom fight and look at each family individually.
Quoting VarelaClan:
I am a SAHM because that's what we feel is right for our family. We also homeschool. I was a teacher before having kids, so I have something to fall back on, if need be. My husband makes really really good money, we don't need for me to work. We are able to go on many family trips every year and the kids have more than they need. For me to work, we feel would take away from the kids, just so we could have more. Every family situation is different. We have neighbors whom the child barely sees his mom because she works so much. She works 6 days a week. Dad feels like he's a single dad most days. He works 8-5 m-f and has the child evenings and weekends alone most of the time. It's sad, but they have to do it to pay the bills. Then we have friends like you who have days off during the week where they are with the kids. She works from home Mondays & Tuesdays, he has off wednesdays,they go to grandmas Thursdays, so only go to daycare on Fridays. It works well for them. We really need to quit fighting the SAHM vs working mom fight and look at each family individually.
I'm so tired of the "mommy" wars..... SAHM, working mom, we're all mothers who care about our children. There are good and bad moms that stay at home, and there are good and bad moms that work. One doesn't give a child a better lot in life. Those that attack the others are just miserable in their daily lives and have to diminish others to feel better about themselves.
How ridiculous for someone to make such a unilateral, small minded comment about an incrediblely diverse and massive group of people. All working moms are ONE thing? SMH.
In your opening you said that your mother was a sahm, but waitressed at night. I thought waitressing was a job, so how can she be both? If your mother had to leave the house to earn a paycheck, then she was a working mother, just like you are. Perhaps she did not get paid as much you do and that was unfortunate. Some jobs do not pay as well as others, but it is still work. Let me back it up, sahm work, they just did not have a time sheet, a boss (the husband thinks he is, but please..), vacation time, and so forth. I wanted to put that out there so I would not be misunderstood; all mothers work, it is just that some leave the house and receive a paycheck and the distinctions make no one better than the other.
I do understand your rationale, though. My mother was a sahm and when my father used to get mad, he would threaten to leave her once I moved out. Well, all that talk was nothing but talk because they remained married until he died in 2008. However, I can see it from your viewpoint-suppose he was not talking and actually did it?
There were times when I wished that my mother did work so she could have more influence in the household (like she could've told my father, fool you can leave, I'll be fine).
Regardless of the decisions, there are pros and cons to everything and what works for some, will not work for others.
Quoting ambercates:
I agree with you totally!! I'm working mom, but off in summer bc I'm a teacher!! We could survive with me not working but same as you would have no extra things if I didn't work!! My mom also keeps my youngest and my oldest stating school this year!! I enjoy working bc it gives me balance in my life!! I would get bored off my ass if I stayed at home all the time even with 2 small kids!!
I am in the Credential and Master's program to become a high school teacher and I always wondered can you draw unemployment during the summers or do you just have to be self-disciplined during the rest of the year for the summer? When I ask people, I get different answers.
I always thought it would be great being a stay at home mom, then I had my son and was home for 8 months before I realized I need adult interaction and I missed being out in the world. I say to each their own! I dont HAVE to work, but do for a few reasons, 1 I like being able to have my own money and not feel bad if I suggest we eat out, and 2 I am a social person, 3 I am not a teacher and feel my son needs some social interaction with learning as well (he is in preschool 3 days a week). We all have our different needs and desires, if it works for your household and your child is happy, then well done Mamas!
Randi
Wife to Ryan ~ Mama to Jax (4)
is it ok ?
- GMom2011
on Jul. 20, 2012 at 2:48 PM