My poor husband is tryinghis best to be supportive and trying to day the right things to help my pain, but nothing helps.
What I wouldn't do to have just one more day with mom. I'd go get my nails done with her like she liked but always complained about or dragged my feet doing because I'm just not into that. Even of out was just to watch TV our to the park to let Jay play. Anything mom wanted to do, I would.
No one seems to understand how much I talked to mom every day. I could talk to her about anything withoutfeast, judgment, or her living me our anyone any less. I'm so lost because I don't have that with anyone else. I know I have plenty of family, friends, hell even my mother in law (who promised my mom to love me like I was her own daughter) that want to be there for me and be that constant mom was, but it's not the same. No one seems to know how to keep me level headed our say just the right things to calm me down our just love and listen to me like mom. I know my husband tries.
I find myself getting irritated and upset when I can't get the comfort I'm seeking that mom gave, which just makes out even harder.
Worse of all I feel as of I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to mom before she passed. I know she wanted it this way. She made sure that none of uskids could get to her fast enough. She even made sure that my step dad want there. She sent him home from the hospice room to go feed the dogs at home. =( But no matter how much I rationalize this out in my head that this was moms decision and way, it still doesn't help or hurry any less.
My heart hurts so much for my boys, how they are so young and won't know their wonderful grandma, who loved then so muchthat even chemo sickness didn't keep her from their baby showers, and births at the hospital. Or my oldest first birthday and all of the holidays. I'm sad because mom was helping me plan a circus themed second birthday for my oldest. We even started building a popcorn stand for the treats. I just have no energy to finish it our carry out out because mom isn't here to help and enjoy it. Just hurts more than I could every scribe.
Feeling so lost and alone right now.