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A little over 20 years too late dad....

Posted by on Jul. 29, 2012 at 12:48 AM
  • 10 Replies

 I understand that all people grieve in their own ways, and that no matter the time, distance or space, every one'sgrief will significantly differ. No ones grief is greater or lesser, and should never be viewed as such.


With my families history, and everyone pointing the finger at someone else, or placing blame on someone else, or telling lies about another, and everyone else believing those lies, I have NEVER known who I could REALLY trust. THat's an entirely different posts for another time. HOWEVER, the ONE person, no matter what that I have been always able to trust and believe has and was my mom.


I'm a Christian, so I believe in God, and that mom went to be with our Lord and reap the benefits of her eternal life. I am also OPEN to her spirit being here and all around us in one way or another.


Dad is not really into being open to God and or spirits of any sort. He's lost. He's comfortable being lost, and for some that's where they need to be. So be it.


HOWEVER, he is grieving mom like he has been married to her with her, held her hand through this terrible journey through cancer, chemo, and her eventual passing earlier this month. My step dad was the one there for my mom, I was there, my sister was there. We all watched her slowly die before our very eyes. So I'm sorry, regardless of what he would like to think and or say, he didn't know mom anymore. The FEW conversations he had with mom at family functions for my husband, myself or one of our two boys, does not count. It's been OVER 20 years since they divorced. In the last 20 years, they may have had a conversation totalling up to MAYBE 45 mins.

But whatever, he may be grieving, like the lack of resolve he has with mom, but when he said that my sister, my brother, and I are not grieving mom as badly as he is, I wanted to smack the ever living S**T out of him!!!!!


No jack a** I am. Thank you for pointing out that I have to do it in the dark, alone, when everyone is fast asleep. Or when I'm driving in my car alone. I have sought out POSITIVE out sources to deal and cope with my pain, and my grief. I am seeing a counselor, seeking support from my church, friends who have experienced the same or similar lost. I have my husband and his family to go to, including some of my family. I write my mom in a journal every day, and tell her how my day went, I ask her questions, basically talk to her. But I have two very small and very young boys that need their mother, and not some shell walking around. I want to be a shell, oh LORD, trust me, I want to be a shell. But I can't, I am still a mom to my boys, and my mom would kick the ever living s**t out of me if I just gave up on my boys. She taught me better.


So sorry dad, your grief is over 20 years too late, and you have NO right to say that you are grieving more or worst or how ever you put it, than the rest of us. When you are not. You just have regrets and unresolved issues!


Thank you for letting me vent and get this off my chest.

by on Jul. 29, 2012 at 12:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Shauna on Jul. 29, 2012 at 10:56 AM
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Vent away!~ hugs~

by on Jul. 29, 2012 at 12:10 PM
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:-( Sorry hun. I don't have a relationship with my biological father, he walked out on my brother, mom and I when I was only 5 so he could be with his hookers. Haven't talked to him in 20 years and he has no idea that he has grandkids. I know exactly what it's like to have anger towards a parent. My stepdad is my Dad in my eyes. You have to grieve, it's how you move on and unfortunately as Mom's we most of the time have to grieve when everyone else is asleep or away b/c we don't want our babies to see us upset b/c for some strange reason we always feel like we have to be everyone else's rock. Vent all you need to, it helps.

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by Linnette on Jul. 29, 2012 at 12:16 PM
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We are here for you always so vent whenever you need to, hun. Hugs!
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by on Jul. 29, 2012 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting KylesMom409:

We are here for you always so vent whenever you need to, hun. Hugs!

by Bronze Member on Jul. 29, 2012 at 1:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting KylesMom409:

We are here for you always so vent whenever you need to, hun. Hugs!

by on Jul. 29, 2012 at 10:46 PM

 Thank you for allowing me to vent ladies. I truly appreciate it.

I seriously don't know what his deal is. Today he asks me if I'm gonna start throwin away the flowers that are all over in my house. I told him I will throw them away or do something with them, when I'm ready to. He then said, okay how about removing the cards from the top of the tv (Condolences cards), I told him, that when I'm ready to do that I will. He seriously acts as if MY HOUSE, is HIS house. It's NOT. It's my effing house. I'm not ready. Simple as that.

Mom of two almost said exactly how I feel. I'm everyone's rock, be it friend, family member, husband or children, I'm everyone's rock. I can not be weak. So I have my weak moments when no one is there to see them. I have good healthy cries. I have good healthy moments of weakness. I just have them alone. I can not be weak in front of my children. They NEED me. They depend on me keeping them safe, and feeding them, and nurturing them. If I were weak in front of them, I might not be in the right mind to care for them, and someone could get hurt. Or my oldest who is super sensitive to the feelings and emotions around him, might tap into that, MORE SO than he already is tapping into.

Just because I don't weap openingly, doesn't mean I don't weap. And just because I don't look sad openingly doesn't mean there isn't a huge gapping hole in my heart in which I'm dying from. Just means I am grieving privately. The only way I KNOW how to.


Just so irritating. Thank you for letting me vent. I do appreciate it. I just am so lost, and now that mom is gone I have no one to vent to. =(

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 9:41 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like your father may just have a lot of guilt over their marital breakup and maybe regret that your mother has passed away and he can't change or undo the past. A lot of men are more emotional than women when it comes to unresolved issues and feelings. I agree, he has no prior claim to your deceased mother or grieveing for her now that she has passed. My condolensces to you on the loss of your mother.

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 9:45 AM
I'm sorry :(
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by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM

I am sorry about your loss.

by on Jul. 30, 2012 at 11:51 AM

Your mom did a great job raising you. It's apparent in how you are putting your children first. I hope typing it out helped you a little. Sorry your dad is a butt=( We won't blame you if the next time he tries to say you aren't grieving you tell him 'actually I am handling this how mom taught me. i know she would be proud of me. I have been thinking you may need to seek a little help though.' GL

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